Hand picked selection of the best jokes on the net! updated regularly.
we promise their is something for everyone, check it out!
If this is your first visit please click here before continuing
| Funny Stories In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "John, what are you doing?" John replies, "Driving to Glasgow!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters John’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well John, how are you doing?" John says, "I just got into Glasgow." "Great," replies the nurse. The nurse leaves John's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing John's wife while he's in Glasgow!" ********************************************************** A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes. Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?" Her father says, "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon." She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you." A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out. "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law." ********************************************************** A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane." He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?" He answers, "Yes pepper." ********************************************************** James comes home from school one day and is met at the door by his grandmother, who asks what he learned in school today. He replied, "We learned about sex." His grandmother just stands there, almost in shock. Then later that day she tells his mother about their conversation, and the kid's mum says, "Mother, sex IS a regularly studied subject in school these days." Later that evening, grandmother walks past James’ room, sees him vigorously masturbating, and says to him, "After you finish your homework, come down for dinner." ********************************************************** At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a pink penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink penis?" "Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch." ********************************************************** Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old male, in a pumpkin patch. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the court hearing. In court Davidson stated that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his "need." In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. Said officer Taylor, "I just went up and asked, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realise you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?" ********************************************************** A priest was arriving at his new parish in a small rural community. One of the members met him at the train with his horse and carriage to drive him to his new church. As they were going along the way, they passed a man in a pasture having intercourse with a cow. The priest was horrified; however, the man sitting next to him seemed completely un-phased and continued driving. Pretty soon they passed another pasture, where the priest witnessed a man having intercourse with a sheep. Again there was no reaction from the driver. A little further down the road, they came upon a man standing out in his pasture masturbating. The priest just couldn't take any more. "Stop right here, right now" the priest told the driver. The priest jumped out and went over to the man who was masturbating. "I don't get it," the priest said. "First we pass a man having sex with a cow, then we pass a man having sex with a sheep, and now we come upon you and you're masturbating. Can you tell me what is going on here?" "Well, Father," the man drawled, "Many of us out here are poor folk, so not everybody can afford an animal." ********************************************************** Three sex experts were in a meeting explaining the reports they had just finished. The first expert said it cost him a million pounds to find out why a man's penis head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the woman more. The second expert said it cost two million pounds to find out why the head is wider than the shaft: because it pleases the man more. The third expert said it cost him only £20 to find out why: because it kept him from accidentally hitting himself in the forehead when he masturbated. ********************************************************** A man had passed his 30th birthday and was still not married, so his father found him a nice girl, whom he married. Less than a month later, his father caught him masturbating in the garden shed. "What's this?" he said. "I thought you'd stop doing that once you got married." "But Dad," answered the son, "the poor girl's not used to it. Her little arms get tired." ********************************************************** Two women always rode their bicycles together. One day, they decided to take a different route. One of the women remarked, "I never came this way before." To which her friend replied, "Must be the cobblestones!" ********************************************************** A 40-year-old man goes into a chemists, walks up to the girl at checkout 3, and asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure — what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout 3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure — what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves. Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3." ********************************************************** November 2001 |
Copyright 2001 adultsx All Rights Reserved
ACIP worldwide copyright protection If you believe we have infringed on a copyright that you own
please contact us and the offending item will be removed immediately
Grateful appreciation to all contributors. Emma