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| Exercise Your Laughing Tackle Another Definition: What does WIFE stand for? Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc. =================================================== Ashes To Ashes This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. ''You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.'' Then she whispers ''You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes...'' =================================================== Sandwich Bar: A guy walks into a sandwich bar and sees a sign hanging up which reads: Cheese Sandwich: £1.50 Chicken Sandwich: £1.75 Hand Job: £10.00 Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to Debbie, one of three attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes," Liz purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well wash your fuckin' hands, cos I want a cheese sandwich!" =================================================== Bonus Time : Whats the difference between a bonus and a penis? Your wife will always blow your bonus. =================================================== Both Ways : A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: ' 'Maxwell House.'' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell House coffee ad, and it said, ''Good to the last drop...'' So the mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: ''Rothmans.'' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, ''LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.'' And the mother was happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: ''BRITISH AIRWAYS.'' The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted. The ad read: ''TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'' =================================================== What do you get if you cross a computer with a prostitute? A Fucking-Know-It-All. =================================================== Dirty Old Ladies Are Great: How do you make 100 old ladies yell FUCK at the same time? Have another one of them shout BINGO! =================================================== Little Nuns: Two nuns in their car are stopped at a set of traffic light, when a man starts to wash their windscreen. "Go away!" says one of the nuns. "We haven't got any money!" But the man continues to wash their windows. "SHOW HIM YOU'RE CROSS," says the other nun. "Okay then... "Fuck off!" =================================================== Dogs and Cats: A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mum. "What's a bitch and a pussy?" "Well," Mum says, "a bitch is a female dog and a pussy is a cat." The boy thinks to himself, 'that doesn't sound right' since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes up to his Dad and says. "Dad what's a bitch and a pussy?" His Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centrefold. He draws a circle around the woman's pussy. "Now that's a pussy, son! And everything else is the bitch!" =================================================== Driving In The Fog: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you! =================================================== Happy Baby: Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. ''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'' ''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his arse.'' =================================================== Holiday in Ibiza: A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because he had heard it was the best place in the world to have unsafe sex. On his first night, he picks up a prostitute and after finishing his business pays her for a job well done. As he drives off, he shouts to her, ''El dollar, counterfeito!'' The lady smiles and points to him, shouting, ''El sifillis, originale!'' =================================================== Hurricane & Marriage: How is a hurricane like a marriage? At the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and when it's over your house is gone. =================================================== Ode to the Government: I've fucked in the sun, I've fucked in the rain. I've fucked before, And I'll fuck again. But I'll never be happy, I'll never be free, ' Til I've fucked the Government Like the Government's fucked me! =================================================== Sex Education: At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV. Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ” Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education does it?.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to fuck with John Wayne.” =================================================== 16th November 2001 |
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