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| Can men and women coexist? MEN FIGHT BACK For too long men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2002. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is... 1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. Again. 5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. Saturday = watching or playing football, rugby, golf or cricket. Let it be. Shopping is not a sport. 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really! 8. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work. 9. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 10. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with a particular dress? 11. Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers. 12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 13. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend. 14. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance. 15. Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument. 17. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat! 18. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them. 19. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. 20. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry... we meant the other one. 21. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are? 22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks. 23. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss our relationship. 24. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine... same applies to fish and chips! 25. Dieting doesn't work without exercise. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well. 26. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, potatoes and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category of garnish. 27. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid quizzes together. 28. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out . 29. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. 30. Do not question our sense of direction. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. 31. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 32. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 33. If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 34. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. THE DECK CAN BE STACKED AGAINST THE MAN For instance, look at these two classic examples: 1. Where would you like to go tonight? Women... If asked 'Where you would like to go?', don't say it doesn't matter then complain when you get there. Warning for men: DO NOT be fooled into thinking you have 'freedom of choice'... it's a trap. You are expected to know, instinctively, not only where they would like to go but where they would not. Getting this wrong is likely to cause tension and any 'promise' you were hoping for... well, kiss it goodbye! 2. The classic 'shopping for clothes' pitfalls: What every man MUST know... When women go into a shop looking for clothes they need to touch every item on the rail... this can take a considerable length of time... there is no such thing as a quick shop. When women try something on and ask for an opinion - you most exercise extreme caution... this is the classic catch 22 situation - here's why. If you say "Yes I like that, it looks good on you." they say 'you're just saying that'. On the other hand if you say "No I don't like that." she's likely to say 'you don't like anything I like.' So as you can see the man is in a no win situation. This is not fair on the man. MEN: Beware when a women says... "can you Just" or "it's ONLY" JUST and ONLY jobs can take hours, sometimes days! WOMEN: You will never understand the importance of a TV's remote control! If you can learn the above, then man and woman can coexist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball is in your court. Add to the list? e-mail us 17th January 2002 |
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