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| LADIES reply... fellas 1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear. 2. The next time you and your mates joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. 3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the players' sexy arses. 4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day. 7. Please don't drive when you're not driving. 8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. 9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take. 10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed. 11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts. 12. If only women gossip, how do you and your mates keep track of "who's easy?" 13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE! 14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming. 15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level. Also known as the "they don't talk back" concept. 18. Don't lie. 19. Never tape any of her body parts together. 20. Don't expect her to clean up after YOUR mates have been round. 21. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 22. If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear ... NOT what YOU'D like to see her in. 23. And for god's sake, get her size right. It's not THAT hard. 24. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 25. If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child. 26. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 27. Don't buy the £1.99/dozen roses on the way home. They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you're cheap. 28. Her cooking is excellent. 29. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 30. You are a capable adult. Don't feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you". 31. Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a vaccuum. 32. Washing up liquid is your friend. 33. Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it. 34. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 35. Five O'Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper. 36. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 37. You too, can learn to iron your shirts. 38. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 39. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 40. Two words: clean socks. 41. Two MORE words: clean underwear. 42. Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you're drunk. 43. Burping is not sexy. 44. Farting ceases to be funny after the age of 10. 45. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 46. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 47. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 48. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 49. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 50. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 51. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. 52. Don't expect HER to remember your mother's birthday or buy the gift. 53. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 54. Learn to dress yourself. Men's clothing comes in more colours than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans. 55. Her haircut is never bad. 56. Don't ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends. 57. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labour while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything. Add to the list? e-mail us 17th January 2002 |
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