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| The World's Best T-Shirt Slogans... Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? Too many freaks. Not enough circuses. She Who MUST be obeyed Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here. I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay cheque. When money talks, no one criticises its accent. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. My reality check bounced. I love my cat. My cat does not care. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate. Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick up the arse. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it’s all about? Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment. Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt? I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. No one pays attention until you make a mistake. Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a twat. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the Government. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I'm not rude. You're just insignificant. If I save time, when do I get it back? A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer. Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Money Isn't Everything... But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch. Does fuzzy logic tickle? Born free. Taxed to death. All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine! Work Harder. People on Benefit Depend on You. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...? Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy. The trouble with life is there's no background music. Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich. Who do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what’s going on? Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going. If you scratch your bum, don’t bite your fingernails. Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money. If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in the basement. Fart in church, and you’ll sit in your own pew. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks. I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it. Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill. There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. The screw up fairy has visited us again. Know of any? Let's have 'em - e-mail us! |
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