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Nationalised Banks To Pay Government Fines With Taxpayers' Money

BANKS controlled by the public which do not lend the public money will have to pay a fine using public money.

Ministers believe the only way to get the credit system moving again is to give billions of pounds to the banking sector and then threaten to take it back from them, bit by bit, in multi-million pound fines.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "We will use the money raised from the fines to recapitalise those banks that have been forced to pay very heavy fines.

"The banks must then use that money for lending and if they don't they will be fined.

"We will then use the money raised from those fines to recapitalise the banks that have been fined and if they don't lend that money they will be fined. Again."

Mr Darling said those fines would then be used to recapitalise the banks that had been fined before he was interrupted by a senior Treasury official.

The chancellor was then wheeled into the corner of the room where a heavy woollen blanket was draped over his head.

Meanwhile, Tom Logan, an overdraft holder from Peterborough, said: "By all means please do stop me if I'm being a total and utter fuckwit, but if we control the banks and we know what the banks are supposed to do, why can't we just tell them to do it?"

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Free Sex Marginally Better Than Pizza Hut

HAVING free sex with your wife is now slightly better value than Pizza Hut, according to a new survey.

In a YouGov survey of 2,000 married men, 89% said the recession had made marital intercourse slightly better value than a £24.99 tasting platter, a large, stuffed crust pizza and a bowl of spaghetti carbonara.

However, 24% said the £5.99 'all you can eat' midweek buffet was still a good deal compared to five minutes of sweaty, grudging tedium.

Tom Logan, married to Jill for 13 years, said: "We've had to cut back to Freeview, which means we've lost Sky 1 and the Richard and Judy Channel.

"So at least two nights a week you're forced to choose between just sitting on a chair and staring at the wall or going upstairs and doing the deed."

He added: "And it's not really free either. Tesco value condoms are 38p a pop, but at least you can economise by rinsing them under the tap or turning them inside out.

"The sex is your basic, entry level humping. If I want anything special I have to save up my dole money and buy her some ice cream."

The UK's top five cheap entertainments: (Last year in brackets)

1. Sex with wife (-)

2. Pizza Hut (1)

3. Chasing gypsies round the town square (2)

4. Vodka-fuelled amateur surgery (-)

5. Dressing up the dog and acting out scenes from Return of the Jedi (4)

Past Mews :)

Anti-ageing Creams Are 98% Bullshit, Say Scientists

Value brand sausage rolls 'contain pork' says study

NHS To Number Old People

Arab sheikh to get 12.5% of all Michael Jackson's future weirdness

BNP Not Just Policemen, Reveals Secret List

Venture Capitalists Invest In Somali Pirates

Single People Who Don't Work Particularly Hard Demand Tax Cuts

Everything To Be Really Cheap, But You'll Have No Money, Say Experts

Somebody Sells A House

Alcohol To Be Restricted To Nice People With Degrees

Banks Not Happy Until All That's Left Is Banks

Keating joins Nintendo idiot celebrity rota

Barclays nationalised by Abu Dhabi

Brown unveils tax rates for your grandchildrens' grandchildren

Gap Narrows Between Poor People And Chickens

Government debt levels now fascinating

Resurgent Brown on course for slightly less humiliating defeat

Petrol returns to outrageous price of 12 months ago

Vatican to build huge telescope in hunt for Jesus

Banks to lend you your own money

Councils invested £1 billion in tiny volcano surrounded by fish

Prescott now too fat to punch people, say friends

Iceland pays price for being so fucking expensive

More choice for couples to pretend they believe in God

It was all Bradford's fault, claims Bingley

Credit crunch causes Leprechauns to run out of gold

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