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Robot technology for Blair replacement

The British government, terrified that lies which may have been told by the British prime minister to justify the war in Iraq will end up costing him his job, have awarded 500,000 pounds sterling (approx 750,000$US) to the universities of Essex and Bristol to fund development of a replacement thinking robot.

Professor Tom Troscianko from the university of Bristol will be using the funding to develop parts of the future robot's brain.

He told us: "Creation of a robot that truly thinks, a machine that is actually conscious of it's environment and it's relation to that environment is some way off... But phase one, a politician who doesn't give a damn about the environment and vaguely appears to think really shouldn't be that difficult."

Critics however say that the project is essentially based upon Downing Street's "incomplete" understanding of the field and particularly the belief of Tony Blair who is a huge “Terminator” fan, that Arnold Swarzenegger, who the Governor of California is indeed a robot.

Slymiengh Bloosterbloog of the Swedish coalition for peace commented: "It's like kids and father christmas... At some point someone needs to intervene, we have to explain to Tony about Arnie, tell him what's real and what isn't and get him away from watching all these violent films and back in the real world before he causes some harm."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Coalition Ground Forces Mop Up Sponsorship

The governments on both sides of the Atlantic have reached agreement over a new solution to offset the spiralling costs of the conflict in Iraq – sponsorship.

With military commitment looking inevitable for at least another five years, the US Administration and London’s Downing Street have been finding the financial implications hard to justify.

But now a deal looks like being struck which will pour millions into the war effort. However, a ban has been slapped on tobacco and alcohol advertising.

Both Washington and London believe any endorsements from cigarette companies would be irresponsible as brand names flashed across the planet in news reports.

Consideration had been given to carrying the usual health warnings on any branding appearing on guns, tanks, planes etc, but this was also deemed inappropriate.

The ban on alcohol promotion has been taken out of respect to the Iraqis’ faith.

However, some of the globe’s most powerful oil companies are paying big bucks to get their names on TV screens across the world.

Ground forces are proving particularly attractive, especially tanks, as they dominate the video frame for much longer than a swooping jet or a strafing helicopter.

“It’s a win-win situation,” said a spokesman for Britain’s far right New Labour government. “War, at the end of the day, is a business like any other. We need to maximise profit and keep overheads down.

“Sponsorship helps with financing the equipment our troops need and, in turn, leading brands get maximum exposure, which can only help their sales and profile.

“Being associated with a winner makes good business sense.”

Criticism has been levelled at the endorsements, with some commentators believing encouraging oil companies to back the Coalition reinforces the notion that the Iraqi conflict is a battle about barrels and not democracy.

“That’s absolute nonsense,” said a White House adviser. “We will consider all offers of sensitive sponsorship, except, of course, from tobacco companies and alcohol brands.

“This may be a military campaign but we still want to be pushing the ‘healthy living’ message and showing that we respect the Iraqis' beliefs.”

News that the British are moving its Black Watch regiment into the Baghdad area, supposedly in tighter support of the American forces, has also prompted cynics to suggest that Downing Street is keen to enter a more dramatic theatre and so boost sponsorship offers.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


CIA admit war caused by spellcheck error

The CIA made a startling and unprecedented apology yesterday for accidentally providing the White House with false intelligence information regarding the existence of weapons of mass destruction (WMD) in Iraq. The spy agency attributed the error to a simple spelling mistake and is now claiming that the WMD are actually in Iran, not Iraq.

Bob Scroggins, a junior filing clerk in the Q-directorate, has been blamed for using the spellcheck to change all mentions of Iran to Iraq in the first CIA report to be seen by President Bush and his advisers in January 2000 as he had never heard of a place called Iran. The Republican Neo-conservatives seized their chance when they spotted the error and took up the cause from there.

Once the mistake had been made, it was then duplicated throughout the Administration and war became inevitable. Mr Scroggins was fired soon after (from a helicopter over the Atlantic), but the agency said that it was too embarrassed to admit its error at the time.

Mullahs in Tehran reacted with fury by issuing 39 more fatwas and 11 separate calls for jihad against the 'corrupt donkeys of Western imperialist aggression in the lands of the Prophet'. They also handed out decks of playing cards bearing the faces of all the leading figures in the Bush Administration, but it was unclear exactly why.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Food acts lined up for Band Aid 111

Top pop acts are being lined up to appear on a new version of Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas? The charity song, which topped the chart in 1984, is being re-recorded 20 years on and Sir Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, who were behind the original hit, are approaching a host of today's music stars. However the song has already sparked controversy by a decision to only use bands who have food in their names.

Geldof and Ure are adamant that the novel twist - Meat Loaf, the Jam and the Sugababes have already agreed to appear - will highlight the plight of famine-stricken countries in Africa. However many charities have accused them of simply taking the piss.

Sir Bob defended the policy by saying that the likes of Bananarama, the Cranberries, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Las Ketchup and Vanilla Ice would remind people what the starving people of Africa are missing out on. "There’s no such thing as bad publicity, ya arsehole," said Saint Bob.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Blair, Bush and Radcliffe listed in new dictionary

While you might expect the names Bush, Blair and Radcliffe to appear together in a ‘who’s who’ of 20th century greats, the names have cropped up together somewhere else – Europe’s best-selling contemporary English dictionary.

The Delmer International Dictionary & Thesaurus 2004 is the definitive guide for everyone learning English as a second language and this year’s edition sees quite a few new slang entries, including prominent world figures and events.

The letter ‘B’ is particularly well served with sport and politics making a linguistic impact.

And the Holy Roman Church is even considering adopting the term ‘radcliffe’ to describe the rhythm/withdrawal method, the only acceptable form of contraception to Catholics.

Some of the new entries are:

Beckham (v): to suddenly cease to be dependable; to become erratic; to lose complete sight of the target.
As in: The team is heading towards certain victory then the captain beckhams his chance and the game is lost.

Blair (n): meaningless phrase, or phrases; sycophantic gobbledegook.
As in: Toni said she could never love anyone else but Gordon knew a blatant blair when he heard one.

Blunkett (v): to utter non-enforceable decrees; to pointlessly legislate.
As in: King Canute said he could turn back the tide at his command. His Court knew the twit was blunketting once again.

Bush, George (n): the denial of logic, the lack of compassion, the inability to recognise personal folly.
As in: The President of the United States of America is a certain george bush.

Iraq (n): a complete botch-up, an inexcusable mess, a personal folly.
As in: George tried to pass himself off as smart but made a complete iraq of it.

Kerry (v): to want something too badly; to desperately seek approval.
As in: Although he was the best candidate for promotion, his consistent kerrying meant the post could go to someone less able.

Radcliffe (n, v): n, a state of incompletion, unfinished business; v, to be incapable of finishing.
As in (n): The sheriff rode into town; there was a radcliffe between him and the James gang.
As in (v): Eric stared at his desk and decided to radcliffe all the paperwork and go home.

Tory (n): to suffer from long-term impotence.
As in: Michael knew that no matter how desperately he wanted a conquest, he was a tory and it just wasn’t going to happen.

The Delmer International Dictionary & Thesaurus 2004, published by Sefton Books, is available from all reputable outlets, priced £16.95.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Food acts lined up for Band Aid 111

Top pop acts are being lined up to appear on a new version of Band Aid's Do They Know It's Christmas? The charity song, which topped the chart in 1984, is being re-recorded 20 years on and Sir Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, who were behind the original hit, are approaching a host of today's music stars. However the song has already sparked controversy by a decision to only use bands who have food in their names.

Geldof and Ure are adamant that the novel twist - Meat Loaf, the Jam and the Sugababes have already agreed to appear - will highlight the plight of famine-stricken countries in Africa. However many charities have accused them of simply taking the piss.

Sir Bob defended the policy by saying that the likes of Bananarama, the Cranberries, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Las Ketchup and Vanilla Ice would remind people what the starving people of Africa are missing out on. "There's no such thing as bad publicity, ya arsehole," said Saint Bob.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Purley woman misses lotto jackpot

A woman who failed to scoop a double Lottery jackpot of £2.2 million has revealed that she has yet to win anything on the lotto and is considering quitting playing the weekly big money quiz.

The unfortunately named Mary Gamble from Purley in Surrey didn’t win £2,213,141 in Saturday’s Lotto jackpot draw after purchasing two tickets for the contest. The staunchly Catholic single mother of eight told reporters: “I'm well gutted, as are many of my friends and family. I've been playing the lottery for nine years and have never won a single penny; it's so unfair. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that it’s about time Camelot started to give something back to their long-term customers."

In a double blow, the 36-year-old triple divorcee was deserted by her partner of nine months — an unemployed vending-machine salesman — after he discovered that twenty-seven members of her family had also taken part in the same draw without success. Mrs Gamble has launched an official complaint to lotto operators, Camelot, calling on them to give all players a ‘fair chance of winning’ by reducing the number of numbers to two and restricting ticket sales to single mothers living in the Purley area.

According to a lottery expert we did not consult, but who is sleeping with our office girl, Kelly, only a handful of players actually win a sizeable amount of cash every week. Dave Gorton of Lotto Watch UK told the slim, 22-year-old recovering sexaholic, “Most people actually lose their money, I can say for certain that approximately 99.997% of players are wasting their time if they think they'll win, because they won’t."

Speaking publicly on BBC Radio 4 yesterday, Mary Gamble told the audience of 157 listeners that she would choose the numbers 3, 12, 14, 21, 41 and 5 for her next ticket, and added pointedly: “I hope Camelot have made a note of my choice."

National Lottery spokestypeperson, Caroline Hawley, dismissed the complaints of the unlucky jackpot loser who has never managed to match all six numbers on the Lotto draw, as 'preposterous', adding: 'she should bloody well see sense and learn the basic rules of the game.'

When asked to explain why so few people won, the slim, chain-smoking former press agent to Tessa Jowell, snapped back angrily:'Look, it's not rocket science! All the stupid cow has to do is match six numbers to the draw. I mean, how hard is that?'

Mary Gamble has now accepted that her hopes of having an inside toilet built, buying new shoes, new furniture, — or possibly having bottom reduction surgery to attract a fourth husband — seem unlikely to materialise. Wiping away a tear, the pessimistic waitress said: "I couldn't believe my bad luck at first, it took a while for it to settle in. I'm sure next week will be the one which changes everything."

News of Mary Gamble’s loss comes just a week after a group of twenty-eight bedders from Cambridge University failed to scoop a £2.3 million jackpot and hard on the heels of a noisy demonstration by the catering staff of Purley Comprehensive School who tied themselves to the railings of Buckingham Palace after losing out on a £6.2 million rollover.

MP Austin Mitchell has called for an urgent review of the way people are chosen to win the contest after his wife failed to match any numbers for the 52nd consecutive week. Speaking on Channel 5's 'Money Matters' programme, Mr. Mitchell said, "It's not fair if rich people, asylum seekers, criminals or footballers' wive's win. Nobody likes them anyway, so they shouldn't be allowed to win."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Web sights for the Blind?

IAdult Webmasters face fines, imprisonment and transportation as British do-gooders insist they make cum-slurping sluts accessible to disabled users.

There's been widespread speculation amongst Adult webmasters about the impact of the UK's latest amendments to the new Disability Discrimination Act on the Web. One veteran cybernaut called it 'surreal'. Another was more scathing: "What are these wacked-out wankers smoking? They're all barking mad!"

The new legislation being introduced makes it a criminal offence punishable by up to 56 years in Bellmarsh prison, a £500,000 fine, or transportation to the Falkland Islands for Adult websites to deny access to disabled users. Trying to find information about the Act on the Net is proving more difficult than locating a regular verb in the speeches of US President. We trawled the world-wide-wait for three days and came up empty handed. Two of the most gung-ho advocates for 'accessible' websites are the Byzantine DRB (Disabled Rights Board) and the shortsighted RNIVC (Royal National Institute for the Visually Challenged).

When we contacted the DRB, a spokesperson told us: "We have no specific information about the specifics of what websites specifically need to do in order to meet the legal requirements specified in the Act." "We're not 'denying' access to anybody," snapped one anonymous British internet service provider we spoke to. "If the blind want to watch our movie channel, there's nothing to stop them, but I'll be buggered if I'm going to spend millions building a Braille chatroom for blind teenagers to groom vulnerable pensioners for sex." "The Act as it stands is total bollocks so far as the Web is concerned," commented another, unnamed webmaster. "I thought the UK was supposed to be a democracy? Since when have the rights of a tiny minority been grounds to discriminate against the millions who are not — and have no intention of becoming — disabled?"

"Fucking brilliant!" ejaculated Greg Foulson, the forthright founder of a well known adult website dedicated to promoting the rights of webmasters world-wide. "These guys are so far up their own arses you couldn't prize them out with a fucking can opener!" Mr Foulson, 36, a native of Sunnydale, California, was clearly not very happy about the potential impact of the UK's draconian Disability Discrimination Act on the multi-million dollar cyber-porn empire he runs from Britain. He did not mince his words when we interviewed him at his plush office on the 26th floor of the Blair Tower in London's docklands. "What the fuck do they expect me to do?" he snarled in his abrasive American accent. "Re-code my sites in virtual Braille and invent 3D LCD screens so they rub their grubby fingers over the tits of my cum-slurping sluts? What planet are you Brits living on? I left the States to get away from all this shit and now you dumb fucks wanna lock me up? Man - you guys are basket cases!"

Other webmasters we spoke to were equally dismissive of the new legislation. "What next?" said one, "online Radio for the Deaf? Street signs in Braille?" Another lashed out at the wave of 'political correctness' sweeping the nation: "Pretty soon only deaf, one-eyed, legless, lesbian psycho bitches will be left in this bloody country. All the rest of us will be imprisoned on some tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic, guarded by Saddam Hussein. Is that what you want. eh?"

Have the do-gooders gone too far, this time? We put our concerns to Lady Camilla Parker-Gossard, the President of the RNIVC (Royal National Institute for the Visually Challenged). "The Institute acknowledges that service providers may face some special challenges in meeting the legal requirements of the Act," cooed the slim, sophisticated, twenty-seven-year old ex lady-in-waiting to Her Majesty Queen Liz II. "That's why we've extended the deadline for ISP's to the 15th May 2005." "Don't you think seven months is a little short to come up with a way of transmitting digital images in a format that is accessible to the blind?" we asked. "Not really," replied the ravishing reformer with a radiant smile. "Those television-thingies can be modified, can't they? Or one could have knobbly mouse-mats and special mice that read the knobbles couldn't one?" "Are you seriously suggesting that webmasters come up with ways to allow blind people to see naked women with their laughing gear wrapped around nine inches of British beef?" "Well - I don't know about naked," pouted Lady Camilla with a becoming blush. "If we can send men to Mars and invent liquid soap, I'm sure webmasters can overcome the trifling challenges that face them in meeting the requirements of the Act." "And if they don't?" "Since the 2nd December 1996 it has been unlawful for service providers to treat disabled people less favourably for a reason related to their disability," retorted the posh President primly.

"The Act makes it quite clear that service providers have a legal obligation to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ in relation to the physical features of their premises to overcome physical barriers to disabled access." "Even if it means making the blind to see?" we asked. "Didn't Jesus have some problems in managing that trick?" "I don't make the law, I only follow it." "What will happen to service providers that fail to meet the requirements of the law after 5th May 2005?" "A service provider must comply with the duty to make reasonable adjustments in order to avoid committing an act of unlawful discrimination," repeated the redoubtable reformer. "And if they don't?" we persisted. "Fines, prison and transportation!" snapped Lady Camilla.

All the webmasters we spoke to remain unconvinced that there is any technology that would allow them to make images of 'cum-slurping sluts' accessible to the blind. When we tried to speak to the UK's Minister for the Disabled, the aptly name Eileen Over, we were told that she was attending a conference in Wacko, Texas on Discrimination Against Short Fat Ugly Bitches with Red Hair.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


BBC launch Bargain Pussy show

In a surprise policy U-turn, BBC Director General, Thom Markson, surprised a select group of editors today when he announced the launch of a new reality television show, Bargain Pussy, for the beleaguered channel's winter schedule.

Those with an eye for a back street quickie will love the newest addition to BBC One’s Living lineup. The sexy new gameshow, Bargain Pussy, sets two teams of amateur perverts loose in a red light district with over £200 and just one hour to bag themselves three or more women. A local pimp is on hand to help them with advice on who to buy and how to haggle for that elusive bargain shag. The 'finds' are later shown at a local pub, and then the team to shag the most women within the £200 budget win!

Dishy Producer Lolita Legge said enthusiastically: "This is the show that challenges people to turn lust into profit. Two teams are given the chance to rut like rabbits courtesy of the taxpayer. If this doesn't get us back on top in the ratings war, I don't know what will." "Celebrity sexathalon?" we suggested. "No," giggled the gushing producer, "We're holding that back for the spring 2005 season, or until Ms Ciccone becomes available."

The first programme of the new series comes from Amsterdam, once the home of Stocking Greta. Camp host David Dickinson keeps score as two teams of footballer’s step up to the centre circle, while commentator Jonathan Pearce joins in the fun. Experts James Braxton and Nigel Smith guide the teams through a series of cheap shags and additional extras.

"Does the BBC have something lined up for the girls?" we asked Ms Legge. "That would be telling," cooed the twenty-seven-year-old lesbian sweetly. "But we are talking to Mary Cheney and Ellen DeGeneres about a possible US spin-off." "Strapadictomy?" we asked. "Well, we rather thought calling it 'Cheap Clitty' would be more up their alley."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Spam Jam

Internet users and tinned meat manufacturers alike are becoming increasingly concerned with the volume of spam found in e-mail inboxes.

Some observers estimate that spam is increasing at an exponential rate, and that pretty soon we’ll have more spam messages than Internet users, e-mail addresses and Microsoft software glitches combined.

Internet pundits MessageLob told us how they had done surveys showing that spam has increased twenty-fold in the last year: “We sent out 4.4 billion unsolicited e-mails,” explained e-mail expert Simon James, “asking people to fill in a questionnaire about spam. We couldn’t fund this kind of mass mailing on our own, so we got sponsorship from Gro-It-Big.com and offered a cut-price penis enlarging kit with each questionnaire returned!”

“The response was disappointing,” he continued, “worse than turnout for a local election!” Detailed statistical analysis of the returned questionnaires showed that there are five internet users, four male, one female, and that 55% of mail they receive is unsolicited spam.

“That’s a lot of spam,” explained Jules Stew of Meat-In-A-Tin PLC., “In fact, ironically, we now spend more time disposing of unwanted e-mails than we do producing the product which was its namesake!”

Stew is annoyed that the word ‘spam’ has been applied to unwanted e-mail. “It’s giving spam a bad name. All those jokes in the war, a Monty Python skit, and now using the word for junk e-mail. It’s not that it’s a watery, tasteless excuse for corned beef, it’s just getting bad publicity.”

Legislation is currently being developed by the All Party Internet Group (A PIG) to make spam illegal except if Internet users specifically request it, presumably upon realising they either have no common sense, no pointless possessions or no friends to get real mail from.

Such legislation would decimate spam and allow prosecution of spammers. However, in America the situation is predictably different. US specialists have devised a scheme whereby people must specifically opt out of spam, by a complex and idiotic method. Analysts predict that such legislation, effectively legalising spam, would result in the Worldwide e-mail system being brought to its knees, just like the Kyoto protocol and UN before it.

Another menace, yet to be addressed by either A PIG or the Americans, appears to be Internet pop-up adverts. The annoying things leap up during innocuous Internet use and advertise everything from porn to expensive methods of getting rid of pop-up adverts. These are rumoured to be on the Americans’ agenda, however; plans are afoot to make them legal unless Internet users specifically opt out of using browsers.

Sadly, spam shows no sign of abating. At present this poses only a small threat to human life and health, but top medical pundits have warned that even this may change. If levels of spam received per individual internet user continue to increase, there may well be an alarming rise in the number of people suffering from RSI as a result of clicking on the “delete” button every time they receive a new offer to win £5,000 from the same address they blocked last week.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Hunters Foxed

The UK government has passed a bill which will ban hunting foxes with dogs within two years. This is the third passing of the bill, meaning that the Commons can now force it through the Lords using the 1911 Parliament Act, which has made a couple of people a bit cross.

The vote was a landslide victory, resoundingly demonstrating the national hatred of field sports. This was confirmed in a recent adx poll, where 94% of those asked thought that "killing things is bad", 82% thought "foxes are cute and lovely" and 28% were "fairly sure" that "foxes eat grass".

Hard-line pro-hunter Charles Clackson-Hall, who is the friend of some prince or other, told a rally of supporters that "The government may have won the war, but they haven't won the battle! And that is why I have started our anti-ban pressure group Al-Hunti'da, who will stop at nothing to overthrow this fascist new law!"

Adding "For all you pansies in Parliament Square, I've got a stockpile of live grenades off a mate in the Gulf, so you can stop messing about with fireworks, bottles and other childrens' toys!"

Police officers are pessimistic about the logistics of enforcing the new bill. Chief Constable Chase Bagham of North Yorkshire Police said: "This is ridiculous. We have enough trouble dealing with football hooligans and robbers, and they aren't mounted on horseback with fifty baying hounds! If the hunters defy the bill when it becomes law, there's not really much we could do. How am I supposed to fit twenty riders and a pack of dogs into the back of a squad car?"

Anti-hunt protesters are proposing that Hunt Masters take up "drag hunting", where a man in ladies' clothes lugs a bag of pot pourri across farmland, leaving a scent for the dogs to follow. "It's perfectly logical and the hounds need no extra training," explained campaigner Janice Spoil-Sport, "Because nobody likes pot pourri."

The ban is unlikely to be followed by bans in other such cruel activities as fishing, battery farming and war-mongering because these would be unpopular with voters and the Prime Minister.

Political mediator Johnathan Touchline speculated about why hunting is such an emotive issue; "I don't really know why people get so worked up about it. But they do. There are a lot of people on both sides who would happily wage small-scale civil war to see their point of view upheld. Weird, huh?"

Tony Blair following his victories in the Hutton, top-up fees and Butler shenanigans, was delighted that the bill was passed saying: "The most important thing for both camps to take away from this vote is that we have managed to keep one of our manifesto policies. This is quite an achievement for any political party."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


UK Bank To Pay Higher Interest To Customers That Have Sex

In an effort to increase its customer base, a UK bank is advertising that they will pay higher interest rates to customers that have sex more then once a day. The customers will have to prove that they are having sex by video taping themselves during the act and submitting it to a loan officer of the bank.

"It's hard to compete with the big boys today." Stated a branch manager that wished to remain anonymous, "So we came up with the idea of sex for higher interest rates. It became an instant success. It's a win-win situation. We give them higher interest rates, we get more customers in and we get to see some really hot amateur porno. It all works out for the best!"

"I have no problem with what the bank is doing!" stated one customer, "I video tape my woman anyhow. So I thought, what the hell. We got an extra 2% interest on our investment in the bank. So now we earn 3% on our £200 bank balance. And all of that for just having them see my wife and me have sex. Shit!"

The more videotapes customers submit, the higher the interest rates. The bank states that they are getting such an overwhelming response, that they will start rating the actual tapes by production quality and content.

"We now have a committee in our bank that all they do is watch these tapes all day long, sometimes, two or three times each tape." Stated a member of the committee, "It's amazing. They are a very dedicated group of people. There is a waiting list in our company to be part of this committee.

You never see that in other types of committees." The bank is now looking into other types of activities to stimulate their customer base. They are currently toying with the idea of "higher interest rates for drug users". They will make an announcement as soon as their legal department clears them.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Gordon Brown wistfully reshuffles bathroom cabinet

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Brown spent much of last weekend wistfully reshuffling his bathroom cabinet according to sources inside 11 Downing Street.

The Chancellor moved a number of newer products on to the front shelves and decided to combine the roles of shampoo and conditioner into a new shampoo / conditioner position, creating space in the cabinet for a new emphasis on Grecian 2000 and mouthwash.

Healthcare continues to dominate the cabinet with a number of rolls and tubes moving on to the front shelves and prominence for dental health issues, but there was bad news for Kleenex which found itself at the back of an upper shelf as the Chancellor sought to get more effective use from a packet of cotton wool swabs which he felt had been under-utilised since joining the cabinet in April of last year.

The influence of the Chancellor's wife, Sarah was clear in the reshuffle, with good news for make-up with lip-gloss and moisturiser both given more prominent positions. On shutting the cabinet door Brown addressed the mirror pronouncing himself pleased with the reshuffle which, 'though not drastic, has ensured that this cabinet can achieve it's aims during the term with a blend of young dynamic products and experienced all rounders capable of working together with new items to further enhance the public image of the Cabinet.

The shadow cabinet had no comment on the reshuffle, but commentators have been quick to accuse the Chancellor of mere cosmetic changes which give prominence to gloss and bury the real tissues.

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Pension Pushers

A recent report into the future of British pensions has revealed that people will either have to work 'til 90, or fall under a bus at 33 in order to have adequate provision in their old age.

The findings show that without an increase in taxes, savings or retirement ages, there will be a £57 billion deficit every year if we attempt to keep pensioners' incomes at current levels.

The committee will only report back solutions next year, in order to give those employed in it another twelve months' contribution to their private pension funds. It will also give the major political parties a good excuse to dodge the issue before the widely-expected General Election next spring. "It's also good," statistician Marvin Wilcox told the press, "because no pensioner will be able to afford food in twelve months' time, so we'll get down to a workable number of OAPs fairly quickly."

We rang policy-makers from all the major political parties, and UKIP. "What we need are more targets," explained a Labour spokesman, while the Tories promised to "cut bureaucracy and civil servants and thus make vast cost savings". The Liberal Democrats agreed that "old people want pensions", whereas UKIP decided that "if we do have to have policies, we will probably stop funding old people since they take billions from the state each year and we get almost nothing back in subsidies from them".

Despite the widespread concern from all parties, however, pensioners are far from happy. One, Ms Clare Timkins, 87, came into our office and gave us her thoughts. "When I were a lass," she explained, "There was none of this 'pension shortfall' rubbish. You did a decent, honest, job and when you retired you got a full old age pension, a pint only cost you three and six and you could spend all day walking down the road without seeing a single German car. I feel sorry for the people who will have to call these the 'good old days'."

If no measures are taken, there are fears that the number of old ladies mugging youths will increase 11% annually. "A lot of this crime is knitting-related," explained Chief Constable Francis Bargle of East Mercia Police, "They need to steal to fund their habit and buy needles. And, what's worse, they can knit balaclavas and other disguises, making them impossible to catch."

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Millions cannot remember all 192 numbers

A study released today by Oftel, the UK telecommunications regulation board claims that 99,9% of UK phone subscribers are unable to remember the thirteen different numbers all beginning with 118 which replaced the previously monopolistic 192 enquiries number.

The study equally describes a general feeling of "panic" throughout the country as soon as the 192 changeover was mentioned.

In face-to-face interviews with a thousand adults between 20/09 and 27/09 only a single respondent was able to correctly identify the thirteen numbers, and even this one person was "unable to name the cost of the calls or say which number he would choose in the event of needing to."

The study finally shows the toll that technological change can have on consumers. Over two percent of respondents claimed to be "stressed" about the changeover while a full 98% agreed "fully" with the statement that they "couldn’t give a toss." more

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


The Internet flies for bankruptcy

Directors of global communications system "The Internet" admitted defeat on Friday and called in the receivers. The Internet is expected to be turned off in about a week's time.

At a packed press conference, The Internet Chairman of the Board Larry Landweber explained that The Internet had expanded too fast too quickly and given away far too much for free. "Although everyone involved has tried their hardest to make this work. it was quite simply unsustainable," he said, reading from a prepared statement, "10 years ago we were just delivering email and newsgroups to a few thousand people. Now we're trying to supply billions of web pages to millions of users - and we're not charging anyone a penny for it. As a business model, it is clearly unviable. I am sorry that so many investors and smaller companies wanted to be a part of this doomed enterprise and I deeply regret that so many people have been swept along with the enthusiasm for so long."

Share prices of The Internet's thousands of subsidiary companies have been plumetting for some months and the prospect of financial difficulties for The Internet was expected by many analysts. But everyone assumed that "things would just sort themselves out somehow" figuring that "with all these people using it, someone's got to be making money somewhere," but accounts released for the first time today show that The Internet has not made a single penny since the 1970s and has been steadily devaluing its assets since then, with even once expensive commodities such as domain names now being registered by teenagers for a few pounds at the end of drunken parties.

Financial analyst Dr Simon James told us "It was a crazy idea. Build the world's biggest communications system and then give it away for nothing? No wonder it's gone belly up. I guess people will have to go back to reading books and going to the shops. And obnoxious young turks in cheap off-the-peg suits will have to make their first million in the city like I did instead of bleeding investors dry for their latest dot com idea. Frankly, I'll be glad to see the back of it."

Existing dot com companies will be given 72 hours notice to inform their staff and customers that the party is over and The Internet will be turned off at a special ceremony in Washington DC at which Mariah Carey will sing a specially composed ballad entitled "It's the end of the Web as we know it". more

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Blair says that report justifies invasion

"The information was wrong so the decision was right".

Tony Blair yesterday insisted that the final report of the Iraqi Survey Group which revealed that Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction, nor the ability to build them justified the invasion by US and UK troops.

“The report is very clear” Blair said adding: “It says - The country’s ability to make banned weapons was essentially destroyed during the gulf war – The key word is essentially… it doesn’t say completely it says essentially and that means that they were able to start producing them again at any moment," Blair insisted.

“Anyone who doubted the need to invade Iraq should now be convinced, and I know at least a thousand families around the country who have no doubts that we were right to act.”

Mr Blair was asked whether the comment by Charles Duelfer, head of the Iraq Survey Group and America’s top arms inspector that the US and UK was, “almost all wrong” on Iraq made him doubt his decisions but Blair was adamant.

“Duelfer is saying that all of the information on which we acted was wrong, but he’s not saying that what we did was wrong… Those are too different things, and I still say, this government still says, that based on completely wrong information, what we did was completely right.” more

* Stories are written as satire and are fictious.
 


Hating fat people is "Okay by us" says government

The Government has announced that it is now officially okay to despise, insult and descriminate against fat people. The news, given last week by a relieved looking Home Secretary stated that the overweight are a significant drain on national resources and as such can - and should - be persecuted in as many ways as possible.

Declining an aide's offer of a cream puff, a slightly sweaty and tracksuited David Blunkett told a packed pressroom "There is a section of our community that is, often single-handedly, swamping our high streets, lifts and cinema seats. It is now official Government policy to dislike and resent these people."

It seems the Government is now intending to introduce enforced fitness regimes, taxation on sweeties and will be bowing to public pressure and launching a public enquiry into "who is it, exactly, who ate all the pies?"

Political analyst Simon James spoke to us from his newly-installed treadmill in his plush Mayfair office. "This policy is probably designed to portray the government as strong on tackling important issues whilst simultaneously upsetting no-one (apart from the fat, but then you can't please those red-faced bastards can you?)" panted the slimline 14st pinstriped lobbyist, dabbing his face with a moist towel. "Attacking the overweight could be Labour's big new idea in the run up to the next general election, acceptable. It's populist and a topic on which the Conservatives are seen as weak. Look at Soames. Christ, I think I'm having a heart attack. How do you make this bloody thing stop?"

The policy was arrived at after extensive research, involving phoning the Commission for Racial Equality, the TUC and "a number of other groups of whinging liberals" none of whom were prepared to fight the cause for the flabby, opening the way to singling out the hefty as a legitimate target for public and governmental ire, leading to guilt and prosecution free discrimination of anyone who wobbles excessively whilst in motion.

Noel Qualter, Very Junior Minister for the Acceptable Face of Eugenics told us exactly why fat people had been singled out. "Well sexism is apparently unacceptable nowadays, race relations will get you sacked for telling a lame joke and poor old David Blunkett has been given such a hard time for persecuting immigrants that we just had to find him a new target." Manfully swallowing an avocado Slim-fast he continued "frankly fatties are it – a group that politicians, intellectuals and the tabloid press can unite against without fear. Can you pass the low-calorie water please?"

Meanwhile new legislation is being rapidly drawn up. The new laws will see chocolate reclassified as a class C drug, giving the police the power to confiscate it. Also fat, sugar and any trace of flavour in foods will now be taxed and school head teachers will be given powers to issue random cholesterol tests to pupils. Any child exhibiting a higher than socially acceptable level will be offered counselling, stomach-stapling and mechanical reclamation of fatty tissue from the blood stream. However, there is believed to be no truth to rumours that the new policy also represents a leap forward in the fox-hunting debate." more
 


As spam era comes to an end surfers wind up feeling lonely

As the spam era comes to an end, with Multi-million lawsuits against the spammers and spam free email services such as tmicha.net filtering out the junk mail, surfers are feeling increasingly lonely, a survey published by Goggle reveals.

Tony Burton used to receive over a hundred and fifty spams a day. That was in January last year.

"I used to spend half my working day sorting through unwanted emails, reading headers, complaining to people's access suppliers and sometimes, tempted, reading the ads about penis enlargement"

That was before his company switched their email accounts to the spam-free tmicha service in September.

"Ever since the switch I only get one or two emails a day. Some mornings I get into work and pick up my mail and there are no messages... Then the day stretching before me feels empty and void... My office suddenly feels very lonely."

The idea of psychologically helping people like Tony is the idea behind the new junk mail service "heapsofcrap.com".

Gerry Spamalot who is setting up the service explained: "The problem is that anti spam services can't deal with the exceptions; the people with dull jobs and no friends who only ever receive spam.

These people are happy to receive spam because it's the only mail they get, and anti spam services can't let the junk mail through for certain customers and stop, it for others."

"The idea behind heapsofcrap.com is that the spam blockers will let the junk we send through. We'll only spam people who sign up for the service and they will be able to switch it on and off at any time." "On a Monday when someone say has a hangover from a party and doesn't want to work they can just switch it back on and spend the morning sorting through penis enlargement and Viagra ads." more
 


Iraq Survey Group says no WMD. No shit.

The US-led group hunting for banned weapons in Iraq is set to report that it has found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction. The Iraq Survey Group will declare that there were never any WMD under the regime of Saddam Hussein.

However the ISG is also set to go beyond its remit and announce that there are no fairies at the bottom of the garden, Santa Claus doesn't exist (sorry kids), what goes up must come down and that two and two makes four. Most contentiously of all perhaps, the ISG will claim that the sun will come up tomorrow.

The Bush administration is expected to challenge the group's findings and it is believed that the President will particularly refuse to accept that there is no Santa. Mr Bush has also cast doubt on the claim that two and two makes four, saying that he will have to check with his economic advisors before acknowledging such an assertion. Tony Blair was unavailable for comment. more
 


Conservatives offer Labour name-swap

Michael Howard the leader of the UK conservative party yesterday made an official offer to Tony Blair to swap party names.

The move comes in the wake of New Labour’s progressive adoption of Conservative policies and the Conservative party’s own attempts to present itself as socially aware and able to take care of the needs of disenfranchised Labour voters.

“General confusion amongst voters over just who stands for what is resulting in ever higher abstentions at each successive election…” Howard said. “Independent specialists have suggested that the easiest way to simplify the electoral process in the UK is for the Conservative party to be called the Labour Party and for the Labour Party to become the Conservative party. This way, and only this way will the cohesion between Iconic party tradition and governmental intention be recovered.”

Prime Minister Toby Blair was said yesterday to be “Seriously Considering” the proposition. more
 


69% of Voters say Blair is a Liar, 56% Say they will vote for him

A MORI poll published in the Guardian shows that over 69% of British voters consider that “Tony Blair is a liar.”

The poll surprisingly also shows that an only slightly smaller majority (56%) will still vote for him. In an attempt to explain the apparent contradiction between the two results a second Mori Poll to be published tomorrow asked 1000 voters in the greater Manchester area which qualities they consider most important in a politician.

The poll effectively resolves the contradiction by revealing that 72% of respondents agreed with the statement: “Being a Good Liar is an essential to being a Politician.” more
 


Mirror Manufacturers could be sued by fat people

Saying overeating is a problem for individuals, the Commons has approved a bill to stop people from suing restaurants on the grounds that food makes people fat.

Advocates of Labour's new measure, which has become known as the Burger Bill, said it was needed to curb obesity claims against fast-food franchises that provide millions of pounds toward Tony Blair's war on terror fund.

The House endorsed the bill on Friday, 1st October 2004, saying in a statement that "food manufacturers and sellers should not be held liable for injury because of a person's consumption of greasy fattening food and a person's resulting weight gain or obesity."

"This bill says, `Don't run off and file a lawsuit if you are fat,'" said Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. "It says, `Look in the mirror to see who is to blame.'"

A spokesman for the British Mirror Manufacturers Association (BMMA) however, made a statement this morning condemning Mr Prescott's comments.

“This bill closes lawsuits against fast food giants but opens the way for lawsuits against mirror makers.” He went on to say that the BMMA will be significantly upping it’s contributions to Mr Blair's war on terror fund as a defensive mesure. more
 


Tony Blair has heart op

Tony Blair was admitted to Hammersmith Hospital in west London where he had to undergo a procedure to correct an irregular heartbeat. The operation on Mr Blair was conducted under local anaesthetic for the non-surgical treatment, following which his team of doctors announced that the procedure had been a complete success. They say that they now expect that Mr Blair's heart will return to normal and stop beating to the tune of the US national anthem.

Downing Street sources say that it was the Prime Minister's wife Cherie who first alerted doctors to the problem. She had her head pressed lovingly to his chest for a photo opportunity when she became aware that his heart was beating out The Star Spangled Banner. Mr Blair at first dismissed it as wishful thinking on Cherie's part but when doctors hooked his heart up to monitors and speakers, the American anthem clearly boomed out and the entire British Cabinet stood to attention.

Heart surgeons say this is a rare condition but not unknown among political leaders who are under great pressure. It is believed that President Bush suffers from a similar condition, his heart beating alternatively to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies and the War of the Worlds. more
 


Police decide to catch criminals

In a new initiative, this week, police have announced, that from now on, their main purpose will be to catch criminals.

This startling new announcement has come as a result of much criticism by many law abiding people, who have been saying that the police have been doing virtually nothing to tackle crime. This unprecedented change of tactics by the police is said to be a "New dawn, in policing", according to the police spokesperson, Inspector Catchum.

"From now on", he said, "our main job will be to catch criminals. Our first new initiative is to appoint 'Beat Managers', to liaise with the public on matters of crime. For instance, if a person is being physically attacked, he or she will be able to phone a special number to contact a Beat Manager, who will then attend the scene of the crime, to inform them that their request for help is being processed. They will then be given a form to fill in, which will then be transferred to our main computer".

"An 'action decision' will then be made by the Beat Manager. The person who is being attacked, should hear from us within seven working days, after which, we will try to find the attacker. If the crime happens at night, then specially trained Beat Managers, who are not afraid of the dark, will attend the crime scene. This new system will be twice as quick as the old one".

"We hope this new initiative will allay many of the fears people have about crime. We aim to reduce the numbers of crimes reported by 50% in the next two hundred years", said Inspector Catchum. more
 


Housing market to be "Literally Inflated"

The Government has announced plans to help the low-paid get on the housing ladder with the introduction of "InflatoFlatz". The scheme, a public-private partnership with well-respected housing technology company MassivFraud plc is the brainchild of Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott.

Taking a team of journalists on tour of one of the proposed sites, an ebullient Mr Prescott began "With prices reaching £120,000 for a one bedroom flat in bloody awful Catford of all places, it was clear something had to be done." With that he pulled the string on a small red package, instantly inflating the very first inflatable living unit, to muted applause.

InflatoFlatz, about the size of breadbox when purchased, are sufficient to house two people when fully inflated. Each unit comprises a bedroom, a living room, and a rudimentary toilet area that can be hosed clean in the morning, and they come in a range of exciting plasticky colours. "This is a huge breakthrough," said Simon James of the Association of Estate Agents. "For years there have been millions of people who have no ability to line our pockets, but now everyone can afford to help me pay for my next luxury cruise. I've bought ten already."

InflatoFlatz will initially be on the market for around £10,000, and buyers will be able to inflate their new homes on any of the government-designated areas, paying a small monthly ground-rent. "If the InflatoFlatz are as popular as we anticipate," said Prescott, "We plan to introduce an InflatoHouze with two, three or four bedroom options. Provided inflatable technology continues to advance, there is no reason why we shouldn't have inflatable council estates within five years. Now, every Englishman's house can be his bouncy castle. Wahey!"

Opposition to these plans is lead by building companies Barratts and Laing, who point out that it is impossible to cook, have electricity or even wear shoes in an inflatable flat, and that they would be especially vulnerable to students, eager to replace the traditional traffic cone pranks, with something on a grander scale.

None of these arguments impressed Mr Prescott however. "These flats are so cheap, people will be able to eat out every night," he countered "and I think we British have been far too hung-up on our electricity and foot-wear anyway. Besides, if it all goes, as my officials often say 'completely fooking tits up', we'll just use them as asylum centers and float the bastards straight back to France. We just can't lose." more

MassDebate:

In regard to ANAL sex...
never tried it
tried it, don't like it
do it once in a while
love it, do it all the time
[ view results ]
 
   It's A Fact!
Peanuts were once given to people in lunatic asylums to stop them wetting the bed... hence the name.
 
Net Pidder's Ticklers
CONDOM WARNING
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of my was wearing one and got hit by a bus!

True or False?
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is crap at geography.

PROSTITUTES
When a guy pays a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave!

Who exploiting who?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's a £1 a minute!

A nymphomatic woman - a women who is obsessed with sex as much as the average man!


You do realise - that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultry, are now extinct!
 
FITS THE GRILL
Apparently cooks waste £73 a year by putting too much cheese on their toast - so Tesco is selling fitted slices that don't dribble into the grill pan - you can always count on TESCO!
 

Now Here's A Thought!

Is it just me, or does anybody else snigger when they hear the name of America's First Lady - Laura Bush?

Imagine Cilla Black saying it! Ya gotta :)