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Tube to be converted to underground cycle network

The London mayor's office has announced a radical new plan to deal with the ever-increasing traffic congestion facing the city. Between 2005 and 2007, all tube services will be phased out and the tunnels will be converted to underground cycle lanes.

This solution was reached after the problems of traffic congestion were referred to world-class think tank It Sounds Crazy But They Laughed At Edison Didn't They Eh? headed up by Professor S James. "We have spent three years researching this," James told us, trying to do wheelies and ringing his bell, "and this is the culmination of our efforts. We've considered everything else and in the end we kept coming back to cycling. It works wonderfully in cities like Amsterdam and Hong Kong, but it is just too dangerous and wet in London for people to consider cycling. Suddenly we realised that forcing people to change their transport method is a lot easier than persuading them. Then everything fell into place. We are ridding ourselves of the cost of the tube network and separating the cyclists from the traffic all in one fell swoop."

Critics claim that the plan will cause chaos, citing calculations that show that the tube is far more efficient than bicycle tunnels could ever be. James, still wheeling around on his BMX racer, dismissed these claims saying, "Oh come off it, when they aren't late, they're on bloody strike, and they're cramped and smelly and awful. Look - no hands!" The innovative plan encompasses several new ideas that, according to experts, will revolutionise modern transport. Cycle tunnels will have fans directing air in the direction of travel to reduce drag and padded sides to reduce the risk of injuries in the case of accidents. The existing ticketing areas will be converted to bicycle parking. Plans are in place to make the transition from overground cycling to underground cycling as easy as possible. The tunnels will be well lit with realistic above ground scenery painted on the walls. There will also be a system of permanently red traffic lights which cyclists will be expected to ignore.

Keen cyclist Tim Peddler who was thrust before us by a beaming Dr James told us, in a monotone "I believe that cycling is the greatest most under-rated form of human transport yet devised and I welcome Dr James' plan and any other cycling-related schemes he might come up with in the future. Do I get my twenty pounds now?"

However, the news has not been well received by unions who are behind the strikes that have been plaguing the tube. Union officials have been demanding to know what will happen to the jobs of the London Underground staff. Responding to this James said, "Frankly, I can't be arsed about their jobs. I've had it with the lot of them. Tossers!" After a brief whispered conversation with his aids he continued, "Obviously the welfare of the underground staff is of primary concern to us. We are in discussions with the various national rail networks to transfer all tube staff to the national railway networks."

On being told his response, Union bosses immediately announced "a series of strikes." more
 


Crop Circle Mystery Solved

In a stunning new development, the mysterious phenomenon of crop circles has finally been solved. The intricate patterns that appear unexpectedly in corn fields are not caused by goat-devouring aliens from Alpha Proxima, strange weather conditions or lots of inebriated, unruly ants, but are merely the Department of Transport's main tool for the designing of complex road junctions and tricky roundabouts.

The Transport Secretary was today forced to admit that his Department was responsible for making all the crop circles in the UK and that the methods were now being used by other countries as a way to design and test difficult road systems. He went on to acknowledge that it was a method that had "no bloody chance whatsoever" of producing effective designs, but the department simply blames failures on "too many cars".

The truth was revealed after a complicated sting operation by Norfolk police. The operation, code-named "Lunch Break", involved many officers staring at fields for long periods of lovely, lovely overtime and eventually succeeded in entrapping five senior strategists from the DOT. They were using "Strange Lights", "Metal Poles" and "A Field" to plan the new A10/A47 interchange. PC Bobby Peeler was busy interrogating the latest copy of "Big Truncheon Weekly" when he noticed the first circle appearing. "There where five figures, all dressed in futuristic bright green donkey jackets making these strange shapes in the wheat, I called for backup and when they failed to immolate us with death rays and we could be sure they were safe, we took them into custody. After beating them round the heads with big truncheons first, obviously".

The team have been revealed as the people behind the fabled "Magic roundabout" in Swindon (designed in 1972 in Oxfordshire barley fields), the bizarre Cycle path network in Cambridge (Oil Seed Rape fields, Sussex 1987) and the new A1/M1 interchange in Leeds (1995, nicked from that Led Zepplin greatest hits CD). The method was first used by the Romans for their roads, and even today most fields show signs of straight road planning, but it is only in recent years as roads have got more and more congested that the designs have become the more complicated crop circle style.

Para-psychologists, scientists and gullible twits the world over have all welcomed the news. Dr Simon James Professor of X-files Studies at Uri Geller University, told us "The great mystery is now totally solved, it's such a relief, I can sleep at night and finally know definitively to file my Erich von Däeniken books under science fiction. Of course, now I must devote my time to researching if planning departments are in fact alien entities and go back to worrying about asteroid strikes. Duck!"

Meanwhile, the news has caused M Night Shyamalan, director of the hit movie "Signs" to announce that he will be reworking the film. Interviewed in the latest issue of Time Magazine he says "This news renders the documentary style of my movie ridiculous, so I will be doing a director's cut of the film". The new version "Road Signs" should be available on DVD in time for Christmas and will use advanced digital special effects to re-cast Mel Gibson as an anti-road protestor, with a nice arse, who is harassed and molested by a group of road planners using 'Strange lights', 'Metal Poles' and 'His Field' to test designs on a new contraflow system for the Manhattan road network. more
 


Couple to sue after 'almost' winning lottery jackpot

A young couple, Fiona and Daniel Menzies were today involved in bitter recriminations after almost winning the £8.8m jackpot in last Saturday's National Lottery Draw.

The near-jackpot winners were distraught at the disappointment of losing the prospect of the jackpot and vowed to "have their day in court as well as a thirty foot yacht, a new porche and a bungalow."

Speaking to the DAILY SPOT, Menzies, 34, told us "My hopes were raised when we got the first two balls to come out," as he sobbed gently, "and I was thinking about how widescreen a TV I could get. In fact, I pushed speed-dial on my phone and began telling my boss exactly what I thought of him - but now I'm going to have to go crawling back to him and spend another twenty years in that godawful, dreary office."

The couple's hopes were dashed when the number 28 ball came out of the machine. Things then went from bad to worse as none of their other numbers came up, leaving them without even the token £10 prize. Mr Menzies continued, blubbing into a cup, that, "it's just not fair that they can do this to people - get you all excited and then dash your hopes. I don't think my life will ever be the same again."

His wife was equally angry at the unexpected turn of events. "I just can't believe it!" said Mrs Menzies, "only five numbers away from the big one. I don't know how we'll ever get over this - this is the type of thing that could spell the end of our marriage, as well as our Swiss bank account."

The couple have intimated that they will sue Camelot for "malicious disappointment". Zealous human rights lawyer Simon James QC told us "Amnesty International is going to come on board with this one. Camelot have given the impression that winning £8.8 million for no work is a basic human right. We have to send a message before they can punish other innocents in this way - 'it might not be you'."

Later that day, James resigned from the case when he realised that the Menzies had no way of paying his exorbitant fees.

However, there could be hope for the Menzies with the publicity they have received alerting other people intent on bringing down the Lottery for the tragedy of "not winning enormous quantities of free money."

A spokesperson from Camelot has issued a statement to the effect that they have investigated the Menzies' claim and would be prepared to pay out their "winnings" in full, but for the technicality of them not actually having won. The action has now been joined by the family of a dead woman from Skegness who claims that had she not died the week before, she could potentially have bought a ticket with all six winning numbers from the draw held on 17 April 2004. more
 


Blair tells 'truth' ... thousands die from shock

Chaos and panic gripped the UK, today, as Tony Blair made a live speech to the Institute of Tax Dodgers. In his speech he said, "Good Morning". Since it was morning, all hell broke loose in the meeting hall and outside, as people started running and panicking. As the news spread, emergency services were overwhelmed , as people started dieing from shock.

There were numerous accidents throughout the country as Blair’s speech was broadcast, on the radio. The worst incident was a 60 vehicle pileup on the M6 motorway. Hospitals were bursting with people who had breathing difficulties. Essential supplies of oxygen were rushed to town centres everywhere, as more people heard the speech.

A spokesperson for the UK health authorities said, "People have been dropping like flies, everywhere. Hospitals are at breaking point. There has been total panic".

The latest news, is that, a state of emergency has been declared and from 12 noon martial law will be in force. People are advised to stay in their homes, keep their windows closed and to switch off their TVs and radios, to enable the spread of the news to be contained.

Rumours that a herd of cows were slaughtered, because they had been exposed to the speech by having a radio in their shed that the farmer had placed there, to calm them, have not been confirmed. Other rumours that Goldman Sachs stockbrokers in the Canary Wharf district of London, started panicking and forgot to sell their shares in a collapsing US company, before an official bankruptcy announcement, were denied by a spokesperson. more
 


Tesco to ban sale of vegetables

In a surprise statement this morning, the unfortunately named Ms Letitia Leeke, the Customer Service Director for Britain's largest supermarket chain, announced that the company is to ban the sale of certain vegetables in support of the British Government's intention to slap heath warnings on cucumbers and courgettes. "Tesco are right behind the Government on this one," the bubbly, thirty-seven-year-old mother of two told us. "We are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."

Among the unsavoury vegetables on the Government’s hit list are courgettes, cucumbers, bananas, carrots and celery. If the legislation is passed these and other suspect 'green' sextoys will carry a Goverment Health warning that 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. Consumer watchdog, WhatVeg? were quick to pounce on the supermarket giant, claiming that "this is a cynical move to drive up the price of courgettes, carrots and bananas ahead of the proposed new legislation."

A short, fat bloke carrying a sack of spuds in Covent Garden was bitter about the ban: "Tesco have gone bananas. This will only drive these desperate women onto the Black Market. In some parts of London cucumbers are already changing hands at up to fifty quid each and you can't get your hands on a banana for love nor money."

Despite these objections, UK Minister for Sexual Health, Dr Frank Carrott, is determined to root out vegetable abuse. "Only last week," the bespectacled campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Waitrose casually put two bananas, a tub of marge and an aerosol of whipped cream on the conveyor. What sort of example does that set to my two teenage girls?"

In an endeavour to get to the bottom of this shocking perversion we commissioned a survey by the respected public relations company, Piers, Morgan & Maxwell. Almost three-quarters of the men (73%) who responded said they support a ban on vegetables as a way to reduce lesbianism and improve their marital relationships. Some 72% of respondents said bananas, cucumbers and okra — ominously known as 'Lady's Fingers' — should be banned from all Supermarkets. 65% of men said that courgettes should carry a government health warning and more than two thirds of those surveyed (64%) said fresh meat should be made freely available to all secondary school pupils to discourage them from vegetable abuse. The full results of our groundbreaking survey will be presented to the Department of Health, which announced details of its proposed new legislation earlier this month.

Larry Lamb, of the anti-vegetable charity MoreMeat, said: "Your poll clearly shows that the public is demanding action to end this abuse. The veggie-lovers have had it their own way for far too long. It is high time decent British women stood up for the right to enjoy meat at home and in the workplace. This is the single most effective thing the Government could do to slash Accident and Emergency hospital bills and protect our young women from the evils of self-abuse." "There should be restrictions on the marketing of vegetables to children through television and other media and there should be a withdrawal of the irresponsible practice of giving free bananas to schoolchildren," added a concerned mother of two teenage girls.

Peeling aside the seamy underbelly of Vegetable abuse "How would you like to be shoved up some dark, smelly alley, repeatedly beaten and then casually tossed aside?" asked one aggrieved greengrocer who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by his female customers.

"Vegetarianism is a disease just like alcoholism. These people are sick and need help," commented a Mr Ibrahim Bhindi of the Purley Halal Butchers Association.

Our researcher was appalled by what she dug up on the Internet. Not only are there thousands of porn sites depicting the most graphic acts of vegetable abuse, but respectable organisations are shamelessly promoting this unnatural vice. The official website of the UK Vegetarian Association gets straight down to business with the titillating headline: 'Forget the sex therapist — visit the greengrocer'. But there's worse to come. The site blatantly describes asparagus as 'an erotic shaped vegetable' and goes on to reveal that Avocado was known to the Aztecs as 'ahucatl' — which our researcher discovered means 'testicle'. The innocent carrot is described as 'a particularly effective aphrodisiac' and celery as 'arousing'. The only concession to outraged public decency is a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the web page which reads: 'The Vegetarian Association cannot be held responsible for the activities resulting from the use of these vegetables'

"This is a bit like British-American Tobacco saying that they won't be held responsible for the activity resulting from lighting up a fag," commented Dr Carrott. "I mean — it's not as if anyone's going to actually eat these vegetables after these sluts have finished with them, are they?"

The Vegetarian Association website goes on to reveal that 34% of vegetarians find ultimate satisfaction in the succulent delights of a big, juicy banana and 24% regularly enjoy an extra large courgette with a little sauce on the side. We were equally shocked to find that 20% of women had savoured the delights of 'knobbly' okra and more than 37% regularly took carrots to work with them. We were horrified to discover that leading celebrities are actively encouraging these disgusting practices. Clueless star Alicia Silverstone makes no secret of her love affair with the leek, while pop sensation, Britney Spears, is apparently 'mad for purple-tipped asparagus.'

When we contacted the Vegetarian Association for their comments, an angry spokestypeperson told us defensively: "Every woman does it. From teenagers to grandmothers. Our members include mothers with babies, as well as lawyers and accountants, and they're very popular with couples. Remember these are just playthings to women — like the toys you had as a child, only these are playthings for adults."

"Tell that to the junior doctor who has to go in there and clean up the mess these irresponsible women make," we retorted.

"Women have a complicated sexual response," snapped the spokestypeperson. "It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Playing with a knobbly vegetable is a lot more satisfying than a quick poke with a limp pork sausage."

With entrenched attitudes such as these, we can only applaud Tesco's initiative to root out this disgusting abuse and commends the Health Minister for his timely and responsible action. more
 


Sir Brian Clough: A Tribute

One of the saddest days of all has been the passing of Brian Clough, undoubtedly the greatest football manager of all time and a true legend in his own time.

In order to pay tribute to the Derby and Forest supremo, we thought we would do the interview Sir Brian would have done, the day after being knighted for winning the world cup for England.

The interview would have been conducted by Martin Tyler, Sir Brian having just arrived in time from his weekly haircut.

MT : Sir Brian firstly may I congratulate you on bringing the world cup home.

BC : Thank you.

MT : Were you in any way surprised to have achieved this a mere 18 months after being appointed England manager?

BC : No.

MT : ...but England weren't anyone's favourites to lift the cup, surely there must have been some doubts in your mind?

BC : Martin don't misunderstand me, I did have doubts. I was very concerned that I couldn't find a decent hairdresser, I was concerned about the French being lodged next door to us...what with all that garlic but England were going to win the tournament because they had far and away the best manager ever to grace the tournament.

MT : Sir Brian do you think that it was your innovative tactics which confused opponents?

BC : I've said this time and time again - players lose you games not tactics. I'd sooner stay at home gardening with the wife than fill these player's heads with garbage about formations, zonal marking and the like.

MT : Do the players have any say in it?

BC : Very much so. We have a discussion for about twenty minutes the day before, which is when I go and get my haircut. Then as soon as I get back I tell 'em all to belt up, this is how we're going to do it.

MT : Did the FA selectors who appointed you help in any way?

BC : At first they were quite difficult, what with phoning up and making suggestions...then after a few days when I refused to take their calls or even meet with them they slunk away to sulk...which is the moment I can point to as their valuable contribution.

MT : But surely Sir Brian their input could have been invaluable to you?

BC : I'm sure if you were to ask the England fans whether they would have liked me to be consulting, debating and throwing ideas about with the FA or training the England team, their firm mandate would have been to stick with the players and ignore the rest.

MT : When you were chosen England manager did you believe that you were the right man for the job?

BC : I believed I was the only man for the job. If you look at the top one managers, that's me...mind I wouldn't like to take all the credit me mam did have me.

MT : Obviously your achievements in taking Derby County and Nottingham Forest to the very top of club football must have played a role.

BC : Martin in the very names you have just mentioned and the fact that I took them, as opposed to Liverpool, Manchester or Arsenal, to the very top, is what makes me the greatest manager of all time. Yes a manager has taken a small club to the top but not two and never to the European Cup.

MT : What would you say is your biggest fault?

BC : I tend to be far too modest for my own good.

MT : Indeed....your greatest achievement?

BC : I would always have to opt for my family. I have a wonderful wife and incredible children.

MT : What does this knighthood mean to Sir Brian Clough?

BC : Well firstly let me say I know it's that bloke living next door who nominated me for it. He figures if I win I'll have to move. In all honesty it means recognition for what I have achieved in my chosen career and it means a lot.

MT : Sir Brian Clough thank you for speaking to us.

BC : Thank you.

A TRIBUTE TO ONE OF THE GREATEST CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. REST IN PEACE SIR BRIAN THE LOSS IS OURS.
 


Richard Whiteley launches new "Adult Version" of Countdown

Richard Whiteley, the top Channel 4 punmeister is said to be preparing a new, late night version of his hit show - Countdown: Late, Live and Unleashed.

Whiteley told us that for years he had been toying with the idea of a more adult version which would be truly, "on the edge, challenging and a little bit dangerous".

Speaking to us from his home in Yorkshire, the media icon told us that he was planning to have a new version of the words game which would allow "fully fledged swear words". He told us that he couldn't give examples at this stage but a word that was, for example, "six letters long, beginning with 'W' and ending with 'R' - an accurate description of Richard Stilgo - could now be used."

He said that the numbers game would be truly pushing the boundaries, with numbers like '666' and '69' now also being able to be used.

Whiteley is said to be planning to wear a new "strap-on" version of his famous pink checkerboard tie. The thirty second cymbal riff will be changed to an extract from Serge Gainsbourg's "Je t'aime" - sung by Carol.

He told us that he expected problems with the censors but "after they see what I've got planned with Gyles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner, they'll soon change their mind"! more
 



Fundamentaists launch "Christian Pornography Network"

Right wing religious foundation "The Church of the Christian Ejaculation" confirmed today that it was launching a television network of pornography "solely dedicated to praising the Lord spiritually, orally and, most especially, anally"

"The problem for most men looking for pornography is that they get ripped off by Satan loving fraudsters," explained the Reverend Chris Jones, lead pastor and chief spiritual advisor to the female congregation of the church. "A man is promised a show featuring a woman, a donkey and battery operated egg whisk and what does he get? Some grainy, communist East European video featuring an agricultural worker and a cookery lesson. It's a damn liberty, if you'll excuse my language."

Mr Jones explained that with "Praise the Lord Pornography" the public will know that the operation is run by "honest, God-fearing white folk" who are as good as their word and keep their promises. Mr Jones went on to assure the public that when his company promised "a gang-bang featuring 15 Nuns and 5 Altar Boys, that's exactly what they'll get. And our re-enactment of Christ's entry into Jerusalem on an ass features no-holds-barred animal action with Mary Magdalene."

In response to criticisms that pornography had no place in the Christian religion, Mr Jones demurred, asking "What could be more saintly or holy than the physical expression of love between two people. So it follows that the sexual act between 15 people and a few of the Lord's other creatures has got to be even holier." He also promised that actors won't just be restricted to the missionary position, but would be utilising the full range of positions from his organisation's "Christian karma sutra", including the beatitude blow-job, the gospel gang bang and the ascension anal adventure.

Mr Jones also promises to do away with "rough language and explicit sexual references, unless in an artistically valid context". Instead, Praise the Lord Pornography shall offer quotations from the bible and frequent use of the Lord's name to emphasise the Godliness of the actors and their activities. Examples include, "God that's good", "Jesus you're big" or, "as it says in the Song of Solomon, 'Spray your man paste in my open mouth, you horny love God'"

The DAILY SPOT spoke to one of the actresses from the videos, Sister Roxanne Hart of the formerly Virginal Sisters of Christ. "It certainly makes a change from cleaning and baking Eucharist bread," she confirmed. "I was a little nervous at first but then Father Jones reminded me that sex outside marriage is not recognised by the church and so this doesn't really count as sex and can't be a sin. And of course the bible make no reference at all to lesbianism, so I can do that in my spare time as well as on camera."

The videos themselves take their plotlines from the sensitive re-telling of beloved biblical scenes. "The resurrection is a special favourite of mine," smiled Mr Jones. "You wouldn't believe how quickly he can rise again after he's been nailing her." In other storylines, the parting of the Red Sea is revealed as an obvious metaphor for Moses deflowering a virgin Egyptian princess and the parable of the wise and foolish virgins shows how foolish they get with the twelve disciples after Jesus tries out his water into wine trick.

Praise the Lord Pornography will also be offering internet based services including the confessional cam, an on-line web camera where penitents can phone in and request Catholic high school girls to act out their sins and beg for forgiveness and punishment. In an unrelated move, the Vatican has reportedly just ordered 2000 internet consoles and the "worlds biggest broadband link, God save us All." more
 


Internet Porn reaches "Crirical Mass"

The level of pornography on the Internet has been steadily increasing since 1995, and computer scientists fear that yesterday saturation point may have been reached, with potentially devastating consequences for the whole Internet community.

The amount of pornography per node (measured in "Pornos") had been increasing at a fixed rate of 200 pornos a month for several years, but in early 2004, the rate increased sharply, so that by June, the average penetration was 18,000 pornos across the Internet as a whole, with parts of the UK reaching as high as 21,000. Yesterday, a server farm in Manchester, is thought to have reached the crucial 100,000 pornos mark - the first time in human history that so much smut has ever been gathered together in one place.

We simply don't know what the effects are likely to be," admitted nervous sweaty IT analyst Rob Willie. "Already some major web sites are seeing the effects of super-porn saturation. You see, these images have a natural attraction to each other, and so when this kind of volume is reached, other files get stuck to the porno-mass. This leads to a general slowdown, and possibly infection of other files. In extreme cases, the porn can obliterate all the other files completely, leading to the server actively generating fresh porn from the raw material already stored on it."

However, porn saturation is only one possible consequence of "critical porno-mass". Artificial Intelligence guru Dr Simon James is convinced that if enough porn accretes across the entire Internet, it could achieve sentience and become an intelligent entity in its own right "albeit," James admits, "a very anti-social one."

There is even some evidence that this may have already happened. "I can't understand how else my wife would have found the file jennifer_lopez_naked.jpg on my laptop. Can you?" demanded James, hastily stuffing some crumpled tissues into his pocket and straightening his clothing. more
 


OUTRAGE OVER "DIY ABORTIONS"

Pressure groups have condemned Government plans to roll out the use of the "abortion pill" claiming that it will lead to an unstoppable tidal wave of sex which will inevitably lead to a "massive growth in abortions."

Peter Dean, head of protest group 'Sex is for marriage, not for pleasure' told The DAILY SPOT, "I never had sex until I married my 22 year old wife at the age of 56. Even after that, I waited six months until I'd been formally introduced to her by her Father and had asked his permission. From that day, I have respected his wishes that sex should be practised a maximum of once a month and only carried out with the sole aim of procreation. I also always ensure that the experience remains as unpleasant for the pair of us as possible. This reasonable approach to sex and marriage has enabled my wife to produce a child regularly every nine months throughout the whole of the 1990's - and strangely even when I was stationed permanently abroad during '96 and '97. Needless to say, we are bringing up healthy well adjusted children who are taught from the earliest age to associate sex with degrading filth that must be purged from the body by vigorous, horrific flagellation."

The Sun agreed, describing the British teenage pregnancy rate as a "national disgrace" and attacking the Government for "subsidising underage sex". "The Government has polluted the minds of our children with their liberal sex education policies. Now it seeks to encourage them further by doling out abortion pills. Join Jordan, Tiffany and their barely legal pals in their petition to 'Stop the Smut' and take sex out of the schoolyard."

Mr Dean went on to outline his group's ideas for reducing the numbers of abortions. "We should be protecting or children by making abortions much harder to come by and only making them available after a protracted waiting period," he explained. "The fact that this pill will be available to women almost immediately on demand will remove vital waiting time allowing women to rue the day they ever had unprotected sex and worry themselves stupid about the dangers of abortion. By removing the delay, this evil pill will mean women can terminate a pregnancy and then immediately get on with their lives without inflicting the lasting mental damage that these brazen harlots so richly deserve."

He also outlined his group's methods for preventing teenage pregnancies by preventing teenage sex. "If youngsters nowadays can't control themselves, we have various preventative techniques to offer. For example, to overcome base animal urges, we recommend a dose of bromide, a bucket of cold water and the application of a large cork or small elastic band to the genital area. If this fails, we can offer our old-fashioned values re-education camps, where teenagers will be distracted by lessons in rough sports, needlework and fervent prayer. If all else fails we shall resort to chaining them in dungeons and whipping their taut naked young buttocks. I usually find that works for me." more
 


Brits to tax Sex

A controversial new review of Britain's archaic prostitution laws not only recommends the legalisation of the world's oldest profession, but also aims to make husbands pay their wives for sex.

The report was greeted with squeals of delight — or possibly long, drawn out moans, by many British women, who have been complaining for years about men who pay for sex on the streets, but won’t pay for it at home. Among the more radical proposals the British Government is considering is covert electronic surveillance — or 'bedroom nannies' as some critics have called them — which will ensure that the tiny percentage of husbands who still have sex with their wives will have to put their hands in their wallets before they whip out their empurpled members, as well as strict penalties for who those who try to evade their marital responsibilities by cracking one off behind their wives' backs. A leading cleric we spoke to is expected to condemn the proposals as 'a license to print money off the backs of working men' — or another, fleshier part of their anatomy.

The Daily Spot put these concerns to the author of the review, Professor Max Wanke, who told us: "This is not about sex. It's about the right of every woman to get a fair days pay for a fair days work — or in the case of most women — five minutes work."

"Five minutes?" we asked.
"I included the foreplay."

Professor Wanke's views were echoed by Pussy O'Toole, co-ordinator of the UK Association of Professional Sex Workers, who commented: "Criminalising prostitutes for charging men for sex when ordinary women are doing the same thing in return for a cheap night out, or a new tumble dryer, is not only unfair to us working girls, it is also depriving millions of women of a steady income from working at home."

Approximately 6,264,957 women in Britain have regular sex, but less than 0.005% of them are getting paid for it, according to official estimates. Only a fraction even get a steak supper or a box of milk tray for submitting to the monthy ritual of rumpy-pumpy, but they often fail to complain to the police because they fear their partners will simply go back to wanking over downloaded mpegs of US porn stars like Britney Spears.

"This is a national scandal," a British Treasury spokestypeperson told us indignantly. "We estimate that this country is losing up to £900 million a day in failing to tax sexual relations between consenting adults, not to mention the huge expenditure of police resources and public money in arresting Ukrainian prostitutes who don't even pay any bloody income tax! Taxing the provision of sexual services by women would more than treble our GDP, which means we could stick two fingers up to the Yanks and still have enough left over to kick their sorry bottoms out of Iraq." more
 


Civil Service set to "Paralyse" the UK

The UK stood on the brink of "total breakdown" on Friday as 100,000 civil servants threatened to withdraw their labour from Wednesday 22nd September imperilling vital services for the nation.

The strike would represent a co-ordinated industrial action by a number of key civil service departments is in response to "appalling pay and conditions" experienced by the "vast majority" of civil servants. Strike leader for the Department of Paperclip Administration, George "Fidel" Hepple promised widespread misery for the country unless his demands were met. "Let the nation know the despair of improperly bound reports and loosely attached memoranda" he yelled via a loud hailer to the massed ranks of "fastening and attachment operatives" outside their offices in Bermondsey.

Mr Hepple was supported in his exhortations by Micheal "Dark" Knight, senior administrative assistant for the Department of Adding Up in the Office of National Statistics. Mr Knight pointed out the many hours of arduous cumulating, collating and "occasionally inventing" statistics that his fellow officers had to carry out. "Many of us are expected to start before 10:00 and leave after 4PM, with only the occasional lunch hour, flexitime holiday, stress related sick leave visit to Alton Towers, working day at home or offsite training week to sustain us."

Police have confirmed that they are to switch to a state of high alert in anticipation of widespread panic as the public learn of delays to issuing industrial growth figures and anxious unemployed students are told of postponed jobseeker assessment interviews. A series of emergency measures have been put in place to provide coverage for the lost services. A contingent of ancillary police workers are ready to produce large numbers of meaningless reports filled with incomprehensible figures for release to the public. These, allegedly, will be based on the officers' own timesheets and senior officers' expenses claims.

The army also remains on standby with a selection of Sergeant Majors ready to take over at job centres as soon as the need arises. The NCO's will provide mentoring, counselling and "shouting very loudly" services to the unemployed. "We have undergone extensive training in yelling 'Get back to work you 'orrible, lazy scum' and 'What do you mean you're disabled? Let's see how disabled you are when I chase you round the parade ground with this bayonet sticking up your arse?' at the good-for-nothing slackers, I mean unfortunate jobless," shouted Sergeant Major Chris Jones, marching up and down a local job centre, beating the hands of job seekers with his parade stick.

Strike leaders have promised further industrial action with even larger numbers of civil servants throwing down their biros and refusing to action Government information leaflets, provide new reports on ethnicity in central Birmingham or distribute farming subsidies. The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, has promised to look into the pay claims, shortly after completing the next round of redundancies and "just as soon as I've finished laughing." more
 


Fox Hunters To Tackle Rural Crime Instead

In an astonishing concession to the pro-hunting lobby, it has been revealed that the Home Secretary, is to give the rural hunts full authority to tackle the growing problem of country crime.

The Government has been under increasing pressure to push its anti-fox hunting legislation through as a Home Office advisor told us yesterday: "You can incinerate all the mildly diseased pigs you like, but foxes have to be treated more humanely because they're quite cute."

However, in a new development, the adviser also told us that the Home Secretary had "no objection whatsoever" to the soon to be underemployed huntspeople tracking down and maiming suspected rural criminals at will. "No-one finds burglars or vandals cute. We've checked."

Government strategists are said to have persuaded by the Home Secretary that the banning of foxhunting may lose him a "haystack-load" of votes at the next general election and the problem of rural crime may lose him "a whole damn barnsworth more" in country areas. He therefore views this proposal as a major initiative to solve these serious electoral dangers.

From now on country toffs will be entitled - as of right - to range over the countryside looking for car thieves, shoplifters and graffiti artists, and putting them to the chase. Once caught, the criminals will be humanely torn apart by wild dogs before being blasted through the head with a shotgun.

A spokesman for the Countryside Alliance, Lord Helpus, said from his country estate that, "this is a marvellous initiative. At a stroke it will give many of our poshest and richest members the chance to exercise their Saturday morning hereditary bloodlust, while doing the rest of the community a favour at the same time! It's truly a third way policy."

The proposal is also being viewed by the Government as a major cost-cutting exercise. In the words of one Home Office Official, "it saves the whole tedious and rather expensive process of catching the criminals, putting them on trial, feeding them, and then putting them up in prisons for ages at the expense of the British taxpayer." Not bothering to hide his obvious enthusiasm for the new plan, he continued, saying "this new method is cheap, efficient and reasonably clean. As for the humanitarian angle - this scheme will actually do criminals a favour. After all, the truly fit ones will survive to re-offend another day".

Despite this it has been suggested that the plans may be in breach of the United Nations Torture Convention, which has apparently pleased the Home Secretary "immensely". more
 


Violence Flares as Witch Hunting is Banned

There were angry violent scenes today when witch burners from all over the country descended on London to protest against parliaments unanimous vote to abolish witch burning in England and Wales.

Kevin Horseshoe is a Witch Burner from Derbyshire who could seek out and burn witches almost before he could walk. At the age of seven, he joined the local Witch-hunt to begin to learn how to follow in his father's footsteps.

He said, "If Witch Burning is banned, I will lose my job and my home, for this house comes with the post. And if that happens, I'll be knocking at the door of 10 Downing St demanding my wages every Friday. "

He went on to say " for generations we have been burning witches and see this ban as a personal attack on our livelihoods from them no-it-all city folk. even though daddy bought this manner two years ago as a second home from the city "

"Who will now protect our harvests from spells being cast on our crops? Many people will loose their jobs because of this ban, like the confession extractors, the men who carry out the ducking, the priest, the horsemen used to track down the witches, the woodsmen who cut the kindling for the fire, the man who lights the flame and the gossipers and whisperers who bring the witch to our attention."

“On top of all this we have only been given around 8 years to prepare for this and now we have this verdict it is to sudden, the horses will have to go straight to the glue factory for a start, we have had an offer for them from a retired horse charity to look after them, but that would be less controversial and we can not use the horses welfare as an argument then.”

“If democracy is when a decision is made from a majority vote then I don't want to know.”

In further developments a wax jacketed donning terrorist managed to elude security at the houses of parliament and get to the main chamber. An MP commented “ this is outrageous, it was enough that we had just had the chambers carpet cleaned of a purple substance with out having it re-cleaned because of them bumpkins traipsin mud up and down it in their dirty muddy wellies, this will cost the tax-payer dearly. more
 


Fourfold Increase in Date Rape Cases

WARNING TO MALES

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form & is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no! strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage."

If you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. more
 


Scargill asked to lead Countryside Alliance

The Countryside Alliance has announced that Arthur Scargill is to be their next Chairman. The organisation hopes this latest move will mark an escalation in their campaign to "unseat the Government."

A spokesman for the Alliance, a Mr Derek Gadd of Lossiemouth said, "We have long-admired Arthur for his ability to take on powerful political leaders. He is not fazed by such niceties as 'political reality' or the need 'to win'. We are entering a crucial period for the Countryside Alliance and we felt we needed his experience and reputation to heighten our profile. Hopefully, Arthur can add a new dimension to our lobbying work and make everyone sit up and laugh!"

The move revives Mr Scargill's political career and will once again allow him to show his enthusiasm for taking on the Government of the day. Mr Scargill has welcomed the appointment. He told the Daily Spot about his firm desire to bring "Tony Blair to his knees, just like I did to Mrs Thatcher."

Mr Scargill promised to "Fight, fight and fight again, until we have to give in." He said that "Tony Blair has turned this country into some kind of capitalist tyranny. Just look at farming - simply because some top Treasury official has declared it to be the last hopelessly inefficient, uneconomic and over-subsidised industry left in Britain, the Prime Minister refuses to bail it out - it's outrageous!"

Warming to his theme, Mr Scargill dusted down his megaphone and riot shield and told Britain to prepare for a new wave of organised unrest. "Instead of the battle of Orgreave, it'll be the battle of Lower Massingham-in-the-Wold: I'm already preparing to tractor in a load of flying pig farmers from Oswestry!"

Top lost cause 'expert' at the Daily Spot told us that Mr Scargill and the Countryside Alliance are well matched. "Most of the agricultural industries are still hopelessly inefficient and are renowned for their fat, greedy, subsidised ways - they managed to escape bankruptcy for much of the 1980s by the simple expedient of "all being Tories" - but that won't help them any more. So far, it has been a long, slow painful death but now Scargill will change all that. The Countryside Alliance will be obsolete within six months." more
 


Landed aristocracy to abandon UK

Britain's landed aristocracy is to abandon its homeland (or, for some, adopted land) and seek greener pastures elsewhere, we have learned.

According to Sir Douglas Whistlethwaite-Twickenham-Ramsbottom, spokesman for the aristocracy and champion of the pro-hunting lobby, the passing of the Countryside and Rights of Way (CROW) Act and the government's setting of the date for a free Commons vote on the future of fox-hunting and hare-coursing, is the last straw in a long process that has seen the inalienable rights of the great landowners eroded to the point of being lost altogether.

On September 19th the first of 3,200 square miles of privately-owned mountain, moor and downland will be opened to ramblers as the CROW legislation takes effect. The access land will become available to the public in a rolling programme between then and November 2005.

Sir Douglas told us that opening up privately-owned land to the masses would inevitably lead to the final end of the feudal system that made Britain great - a system, he said, that has been under constant attack since the days of the Magna Carta, and particularly since Oliver Cromwell.

He noted that executing or seriously maiming poachers, as well as jus primae noctis, rights once enjoyed by the aristocracy, have been illegal, or at least frowned upon, for a long time, and suggested that the rot first set in when those rights were lost. He said that much of the moorland and downland to be opened up is prime recreational land and traditional countryside activities such as shooting pheasants and grouse, knowing the Chief Constable, and employing local rustics will soon disappear once hordes of townies converge on it with their crisp wrappers and lager bottles and demands for ice-cream vans and toilets.

He added that if, as expected, foxhunting is banned, there would be little point in the aristocracy remaining in the UK. Asked where they might be looking for their new home, Sir Douglas said that if George W Bush is re-elected as President of the USA in November, the United States would be a strong possibility, since it would continue to be a country that knew how to treat its rich people. Otherwise, he said, it looked like South America, Argentina or Patagonia, perhaps. He added that Africa was clearly out of the question, citing the disastrous experiment in giving Britain's former colonies independence.

Madonna, an alleged American entertainer and owner of a large estate in the UK, was unavailable for comment.

In related news, we have been unable to confirm a rumour that Prince Philip has threatened to shoot "any bloody little oick" that "trespasses" on royal land. However, it is thought to be unlikely that he would be able to carry out his threat in any case, as it is believed that Her Majesty has locked all his guns away for safekeeping after a series of embarrassing incidents. more
 


Government "Bans Mountaineerring"

Following on from a number of deaths and injuries on various mountains, including last year's helicopter crash on Everest, the Government has announced that it will be adopting a set of laws to ban mountaineering based on its "massively successful" drugs policy.

The ban will "protect individuals from themselves," claimed the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, speaking at the launch of the new policy. Mr Blunkett, explained that the activities involved "unacceptable risks" to the "reckless and wanton" individuals who indulge in recreational climbing. "They may feel that they are simply indulging in a personal pleasure that doesn't harm wider society, but who has to pick up the pieces when they fall off a mountain or slip on an icy glacier? The tax payer, that's who," intoned Mr Blunkett darkly. "It is obvious that the only way to protect these people and society at large from their callous irresponsible clambering is to declare it illegal and force these evil doers underground. Which reminds me, I must look into pot holing, too."

The new policy identifies different mountain ranges and classifies them according to a set of criteria including height, steepness and difficulty of ascent. Class A ranges, such as the Himalayas or Andes, will carry higher penalties than Class B ranges, such as the Pyrenees. These in turn will carry a custodial sentence higher than Class C escarpments, which include the South Downs, Ongar Hill and several large slag heaps in Yorkshire. However, a furious international row has already broken out regarding the classification of the French Alps which Mr Blunkett has classified as "smaller than Ben Nevis and not really worth bothering about" whilst the French have insisted that the Eiffel Tower is excluded as providing an essential medical function to the "national psyche"

The Government has acknowledged that the policy may hurt a number of poor regions, including South America, Afghanistan and Eastern Europe, who benefit from their status of "mountain growing communities." However, Mr Blunkett has pointed out the harm the communities do by encouraging the use of "hard rock" and has promised to provide financial assistance for mountain replacement policies. These include helping local communities to pull down "addictive and dangerous" rockfaces and replace them with facilities acceptable to the west, such as theme parks or take away restaurants.

Reports have already started of networks of criminal gangs moving in to offer abseiling, hiking and "full scale climbing" to addicts. Dealers offer a cocktail of "highs" to users and the Government is especially worried that soft activities, such as hill-walking, could be used to lead people into harder recreations. It has promised to put money into replacement therapies such as gymnasiums or home-fitness machines.

Reports continue to flood in of desperate mountaineers indulging in burglaries and muggings to obtain money to support thier habit and international gangs setting up money laundering services and prostitution rings with the cash generated from the supply of illegal climbs. However, the Government declared itself "unutterably satisfied" with the success of the new policy and has promised to bring forward legislation to prohibit other risky solo activities including shot putting and long jumping as well as taking "a good hard look at masturbation, yum." more
 


English Pubs Introduce Compulsory Ugliness

Health Secretary Dr John Reid is to introduce a bill in parliament making it compulsory for less attractive women to attend their local pub every evening. The bill is in response to pub landlords who believe that far more product is consumed when men are forced to drink these women presentable.

Women in turn will be placed into categories according to their undesirability. Scales will run from a fairly acceptable rum and coke to an unsightly quart of vodka.

New Labour see this as a compromise in the fox hunting stand-off. Gorgeous women are generally referred to as "foxes" and this bill will effectively ban fox hunting and I suppose encourage hunting the dogs instead. There's a turn up for the books eh?

The government has, as it did with the terrorism issue, produced a pamphlet on the subject. In it outlines the dangers of alcohol poisoning as a result of overeagerness among young male pub goers.

If for example a target should require a decalitre of cheap wine to make it presentable then you are asked to consider whether homosexuality is perhaps not the more logical solution. Perhaps entering a monastery.....

Of course some of these women have nice personalities. Don't let me catch anyone sniggering, it is a wonderful quality in a girl...that someone else has drunk acceptable, not for me I'm afraid, I'm a belter man myself.

Some of you, particularly those whose callouses are bad enough without this development, will blame the government. I mean it's bad enough with them interfering in the schools, tuition fees, traffic penalties and many other areas WHERE THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR UNWELCOME NOSES OUT OF.

This is just so much more of a nanny state : But that is where you're wrong, unless of course it's a particularly unsightly nanny who pops in for a quick one after work.

Of course the government has not considered that this may in fact constitute a health risk. Some of these women are so bad that you would have to be semi-comatose to approach one. What then are the chances you will be sober enough to remember a condom?

One bit of good news is that some of them are in fact award winners. One in Maidstone for example is the 2003 Cruffts Dog of the Year, Dogmore Hurdler 2002 and Cruffts Allcomers Winner 2004.

In addition if they should soil your carpet you can shove their noses in it. One chap said his improved after a visit to the turd.

Anyhow cheer up, you can always pop over to the continent for a decent bit of crumpet and a cup of tea. Either that or enter a monastery....... more
 


Blunkett to change burden of proof to "Definitely Maybe"

In a bid to clamp down on the tide of terrorist suspects escaping a hearty jail sentence, David Blunkett announced yesterday that he has adjusted the burden of proof in terrorism cases to "Definitely Maybe".

"There seem to be numerous non Christian beard-sporters getting away with crimes either because of a lack of evidence, trumped up charges, or maybe no one saw them do it. In today's world of increased international terrorism we need to stop these people before they go on to nearly commit a crime again."

"In this bill I have addressed the alarming lack of evidence in many terrorism cases. This situation arises not because, as many namby pamby human rights people think, that they didn't do it, but rather that they are wily little beggars who are too good at covering their own tracks."

"Many suspects have failed to provide a reasonable account of their actions when pressed (against an electric stove ring). This and the fact that they won't speak any English clearly indicates they are up to something."

The "Definitely Maybe" clause, although intended for terrorists, could be invoked "as and whenever needed to protect national security or bang up Johnny Foreigner". Judges for the case will be instructed to measure the case as follows; "If you truly believe that the man before you looks like he did it, or that if it wasn't him it was one of his mates, then you must return a verdict of 'Definitely Maybe'".

Mr Blunkett pointed out, that in accordance with reasonable democratic behavior, there was an open debate regarding the bill yesterday. "Many MP's have complained that they were not invited to the debate regarding the new legislature, which came into effect last midnight. I don't understand this because it was clearly labeled on my office door; 'Meeting in Progress, Do Not Disturb.'"

Statistics released by the home office to coincide with Mr Blunkett's announcement indicate that one in every five immigrants is probably a terrorist, "if only we had something to pin on them." more
 


Pope slams Windows - calls it "diabolical" - dubs Bill Gates "spawn of Satan"

Vatican sources today confirmed the rumor that Pope John Paul II last week experienced problems with his laptop computer, causing him to castigate the Windows XP operating system and the founder and Chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates.

According to these sources, the 86-year-old Pontiff was apparently attempting to enter the third level of Doom III when the operating system crashed, displaying the infamous "Blue Screen of Death", well-known to Windows users worldwide.

Subsequent attempts to reboot the computer seem to have failed, resulting every time in the message: "Your mouse has moved. Please restart your computer for this hardware change to take effect." The Pope, typically noted for his hard line on matters such as contraception and population control, but his tolerance of computer operating systems, is then reported to have thrown the computer to the ground and jumped on it repeatedly, supposedly following the seventh appearance of this message.

Sister Tachycardia of the Order of St. Clarence, personal aromatherapist to His Holiness, reported, "I was in the next room when I heard a crash and a series of bangs, followed by some words in Polish. I don't speak Polish, and I am very glad that I don't, because the Holy Father was probably saying something he shouldn't have been saying, even if he is the Holy Father."

Monsignor Alfredo de Pomodoro, who has acted as the Pope's personal IT consultant for a number of years, added, "I received an urgent message on my pager from Sister Tachycardia, and rushed to His Holiness. The computer itself was a wreck -- those papal slippers may not look like much, but they can trash a hard disk drive in only a few minutes. The Holy Father was speaking in Italian by the time I reached him. I couldn't make out much, though, except that he was commenting that Windows XP was "diabolical" and those responsible for its design, development and marketing were the "spawn of Satan".

Given that the Pope's pronouncements are often regarded by the Catholic Church as coming from an infallible source, this development poses problems for Church members, and for the Catholic Church itself.

Cardinal Ricardo Uomo, Chief Technology Officer of the Vatican Bank, complained that "we have just updated our commodity futures derivatives trading programs to work with Windows XP. Now he [His Holiness] tells us this is all the work of the Devil. What am I meant to do? Pour holy water in the drives, or install Linux or something? Sure, we've had a few problems with the licensing scheme, but I wouldn't go as far as the Boss has done. I wish he would leave well alone and not meddle with things he doesn't understand. If anyone's going to excommunicate the Microsoft QA team, I think it should be the Vatican technologists."

On Wall Street, major securities house Streep Merrill faced chaos, as Catholic workers on the bond trading floor refused to use their computers until they were replaced with new iMacs. "And they all want matching pink mini iPods," moaned one manager. "There's no way we can get all pink ones -- some of them will just have to make do with green."

Bill Gates was unavailable for comment "until the new moon", according to a Microsoft spokesman. more
 


Pentagon to excavate all Iraqi deserts in search for WMD

After failing to find any conclusive evidence of WMD at the 100 or so sites that the Pentagon and CIA assured the world contained them before the war, coalition forces are to begin excavating all of the deserts in Iraq to a depth of five metres.

The area to be covered is roughly the size of Romania, but Pentagon planners are detrmined to find a justification for their slaughter of innocents no matter what it takes.

Some of the funds designated for the reconstruction of Iraq are to be diverted to the project for the further destruction of Iraq which has been called: "Operation Total Excavation". The Pentagon said that it would not have time to stop and catalogue any mass graves that it may stumble across in the process as the troops can not stay in the country for any longer than 20 years or so.

Military planners are still discussing options for storage of the sand with one plan calling for the entire nation of Kuwait to be covered to a depth of 15 metres. The sand would be sold back to the Iraqis at a later date as one official explained: "It can only be a good thing in helping to open up trade relations in the region following years of sanctions."

However, some officials at the Department for Homeland Security in Washington DC have called for the sand to be shipped back to the US on top of the tankers carrying the free Iraqi oil. They said they would use it to fill sandbags to surround every major airport, power station and skyscraper in the US to protect them from attack by al-Queda.

But a secret source in the White House assured us that the sand was headed for the oilfields of Alaska where it would be used to make the Texas oilmen and friends of the Bush family feel more at home in "a simulated arctic desert environment".

The Pentagon stressed that they would have no time for archaeologists with their petty concerns and that soldiers have been issued with orders to shoot on sight anyone found wandering through the desert with chisels. more
 


BNFL authorised to kill a further 600

The UK environment agency has given the official go-ahead for the Sellafield plant, owned by British nuclear fuels, to put to death a further 600 residents of England’s Lake District on top of the 2700 people who may already have died or be dying as a direct result of the plant’s operation.

The decision, enabling the company to continue to release deadly Krypton 85 gas, was taken despite the fact that the company was officially ordered to cease the practice as long as 27 years ago, and despite the fact that the government’s own advisors have estimated that the gas causes up to 100 cancers a year. The move was described by the UK envronment minister Elliot Morley as, “a common sense decision for everyone concerned, which proves New Labour’s Environmental comittment.” more
 


Afghans & Iraqis neck and neck in Hide'n'seek World Champioship Final

The Iraqi and Afghan teams continued to display remarkable resilience in this the 17th week of the Hide'n'seek World Champioship Final by out-foxing each other, spectators and Pentagon officials in the last game of the tournament currently being played out at varoius undisclosed locations around the globe.

So far, only the few members of each team who chose to hide under beds or behind doors in the immediate vicinity of the game's starting point have been captured, but there is a strong suspicion that these may not be the masterminds behind the respective teams' plans.

Officials were said to be growing weary of the ceaseless monotony of the final round, which they feared was driving spectators away, and had even tried to stage a hoax awards ceremony last week in a desperate attempt to draw the contestants out into the open. The elaborate ceremony involved Craig David and Barbara Streisand performing an opening rap-duet followed by one-thousand ice-dancers and synchronised swimmers moving in sync to a light and music dispaly by Jean Michel Jarre, but it was obviously not enough to impress any of the competitors into revealing their hiding place.

Officials did admit that it may have been their fault for not agreeing any end-date to the game in advance, but said that they had not appreciated the full intricacies of the game when it began. The Iraqi and Afghan teams taught them how complex it could get.

They have now been forced to issue large cash rewards in conjunction with the Pentagon and the CIA for information as to the whereabouts of any of the competitors. They are also offering smaller prizes of herds of goats for vague clues or cryptic hints.

None of the players could be found for a comment on the likely outcome. Their managers and coaches were nowhere to be found either. more
 


No pasta please, we’re British

The ‘Back Britain’ campaign has bounced back.

Nearly four decades after UK shoppers were asked to wrap the Union Jack around their trolleys, the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) is determined to put the ‘Great’ back into Britain and on to the dinner table.

In addition to the much publicised manifesto pledge to seal off the Channel Tunnel, UKIP has now revealed its ‘Back to Basics’ plan that covers:

Pasta – Pasta will face a massive tax hike and is to be removed from all school menus and replaced with King Edward potatoes.

Pizza – Everything from the Hawaiian to the Chorizo will be replaced with the traditional ‘Ploughman’s Lunch’ but with extra chutney.

Wine – Special import licences will mean an average bottle could cost as much as £150. Home produced scrumpy, real ale and gin will be heavily subsidised.

Cheese – No more ‘runny French stuff’ can be imported with all shelf space going to British favourites like Red Leicester, Stilton and Wensleydale.

Sausages – There can only be one… the British banger, fried not grilled.

A UKIP spokesman dismissed rumours that the Party’s agenda included re-opening all the mills in the industrial heartlands and forcing children to work a 12-hour day climbing up chimneys.

“If we could re-open the mines, we’d consider it,” he admitted, “but the main thrust of our approach is that Johnny Foreigner needs to get back across the Channel and take his garlic with him.

“This country enjoyed its greatest period when we lived in Splendid Isolation; the only way we should go into Europe is how we did it 60 years ago – by landing craft.” more
 


Scots hit the self-destruct button

The Scottish nation is tottering on the brink of extinction.

That’s the finding of St Andrews University’s Professor David Wylie whose socio-medical research reveals this innovative race could be wiped out in a single generation.

And the root cause seems to be a sub-conscious ‘mortal embarrassment’ at the world’s inability to “get oot their heids” at every given chance.

The Scots have already taken massive strides in this self-inflicted genocide – a journey that began in the 18th century with the Highland Clearances as thousands of grudge-bearing clansmen scattered across the globe in search of drink.

Scotland already leads the world with:
* 56 out of 57 of the most common cancers
* Highest percentage of smokers under the age of 10
* Most daily alcoholic units consumed in the under-12 age bracket
* Most Burberry garments worn per capita
* Highest incidence of haemorrhoids
* Silliest national leader

New developments, such as the disturbing rise in the consumption of deep fried chocolate bars and the introduction of ‘beer breaks’ for nursery children, underline the Scots’ disregard for all things deemed ‘healthy’.

“The Scots are a fun, but dangerous, people to hang out with,” said Professor Wylie as he revealed his findings in ‘The Foxy Hoor’ bar in the university’s medical school.

“The Scottish psyche is ‘if you like it, dae it and dae it some until you fa' o'er or spew’. Those who don’t go along with that are seen as ‘big Jessies’.

“The rate of self destruction is accelerating and it appears irreversible.

“In 20 years time, the average life expectancy of a Scot will be six hours and 20 minutes and that, quite simply, means extinction.” more
 


Escalators to be Replaced by Firemen’s Poles

In an effort to increase the capacity of the city’s congested underground railway system, the mayor of Moscow yesterday announced plans to replace all escalators with firemen’s poles.

Several women fainted and most others screamed upon hearing the phrase concerning the opportunity to slide down firemen’s shafts. All were disappointed when the small misunderstanding was cleared-up just over two hours later.

Officials admit that the new scheme is likely to result in an increase in severe and even fatal injuries for some, but insist that it will speed access for most. more
 


County girlfriend commended after not bitching for entire day

In a soon to be televised ceremony sponsored by the Relationship Support Service Group of Kent, county girlfriend Jayne Bedford received a national commendation today for her successful August 30th efforts to avoid bitching at boyfriend Leonard Reynolds about one thing or another for a period of 24 uninterrupted hours.

"Bedford's acceptance of the All Day Angel Award marks the first national accreditation for a female's role in the strengthening of an inter-gender relationship," said award presenter Marianne Williamson, author of the popular relationship guide, Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships.

"The existence of this award says, 'Girls, even if your man doesn't notice you keeping your mouth shut when every little thing around you isn't perfect, there is an organisation willing to recognize and honour you.'"

Bedford's award-winning behavior, which Reynolds described during a prepared speech as being "a shock, a Godsend and a turning pointing in our relationship," is also drawing high praise from counselor/author John Gray who, although having never received a University doctorate, is seen by many as today's leader in relationship counseling.

"Women deserve rewards for taking it easy on emotionally fragile men who can't handle hearing negative comments 24-7," said Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

"Bedford's extended effort to avoid bitching at Reynolds about this or that perfectly embodies the spirit of the All Day Angel Award."

During a short, post-ceremony press conference, Bedford declined to answer any questions, explaining loudly to boyfriend Reynolds that she "[had] a headache and just wanted to go home. "Now," Bedford added almost immediately.

Reynolds, however, appeared willing to stay until all of the young newswomen's questions were answered.

"I didn't realise how close Jayne was [to achieving the 24-hour mark] until bedtime," Reynolds reported. "And when she fell asleep without launching into a long, boring discussion about our relationship, I knew that as long as I didn't wake her, she was home free.

"Had I accidentally woke her, I'm sure I'd have received an earful, and her streak would have been broken," Reynolds continued. "So yeah, I think my letting her sleep played a large role in her ability to go 24 hours without nagging or bitching at me about things I may or may not have had any control over."

Bedford's reaction to that comment - a slight but noticeable shift in brow position - has left many convinced that Bedford will not be again eligible to receive the All Day Angel Award for quite some time. more
 


UK Olympians make it home: Radcliffe makes it to France

The UK’s Olympic team bounced back into Britain from Athens to be greeted by crowds of adoring fans. Sadly, missing from the arrival of sporting heroes was long distance runner Paula Radcliffe whose plane only made it as far as France.

It was the culmination of a depressing day for England’s marathon and 10,000m hopeful, only reaching the bus terminal while her teammates arrived at the airport. Then she only made it to check-in while the rest of the squad left the departure lounge.

“I was up for the flight,” said a tearful Paula. “I had my passport ready and my boarding card but, when I reached the check-in, the airline staff announced they couldn’t go on and stopped work for an ouzo break.

“They really distracted me and spoilt my rhythm. I’m not making excuses; it was the same for everyone but I just couldn’t go on.”

Determined to catch up with the UK team, a sobbing Paula booked on to the next available flight that should have got her into London only minutes behind her fellow Olympic villagers.

Unfortunately, she was forced to stop halfway up the boarding steps.

“I felt good starting to climb the stairs,” she wept, “but this child squeezed past me to catch up with his parents and it really put me off. I had to stop where I was. People were very kind and helped me on to the plane.

“I’m not making excuses; it was the same for everyone but I just couldn’t go on.”

Flight 202, bound from Athens for London, made good time, crossing the Alps and heading for the Channel.

But suddenly, at 30,000 feet, all the plane’s engines stalled and pilot was forced to make an emergency landing at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Flt. Lt. Brian ‘Biggles’ Smartson. “Everything seemed to be going fine. We had a clear sky, the weather was perfect, but the plane just didn’t seem to be able to go any further and we had to come down in France.

“It was a bitter disappointment for all the passengers. I’m not making excuses; it was the same for everyone but the plane just couldn’t go on.”

Paula then decided to finish her journey back home by train and was booked on Eurostar back to London. Paula started well as she headed along the platform for the carriage but was forced to stop only yards from boarding.

“There were lots of people trying to get on the train,” she said through reddened eyes. “People were overtaking me all along the platform. “I’m not making excuses; it was the same for everyone but I just couldn’t go on.” more
 


Rooney "baffled by failure"

A tearful Wayne Rooney has revealed he has no idea what went wrong in his failed bid "to bed every hooker in the United Kingdom."

The England soccer star told fans that they deserved an explanation and said he was still "waiting for test results" from a local clinic. "I know I've let everyone down." he said. "But I felt there was nothing left in my legs!"

"My plan was to shag every prostitute in the country" he told us in a frank interview. "But emotionally and physically I felt it was time to pull out. I just feel numb and I am desperately trying to find a reason for my failure!"

"After the first three or four hundred visits to the First Choice brothel in Liverpool, I didn't feel too bad.

"But after I'd passed the twenty thousand mark, I felt drained. At the end I was struggling to stay on the bed."

"I've never before not been able to finish, and I'm desperately trying to find a reason for what happened!" more
   It's A Fact!
Peanuts were once given to people in lunatic asylums to stop them wetting the bed... hence the name.
 
Net Pidder's Ticklers
CONDOM WARNING
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of my was wearing one and got hit by a bus!

True or False?
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is crap at geography.

PROSTITUTES
When a guy pays a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave!

Who exploiting who?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's a £1 a minute!

A nymphomatic woman - a women who is obsessed with sex as much as the average man!


You do realise - that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultry, are now extinct!
 
FITS THE GRILL
Apparently cooks waste £73 a year by putting too much cheese on their toast - so Tesco is selling fitted slices that don't dribble into the grill pan - you can always count on TESCO!
 

Now Here's A Thought!

Is it just me, or does anybody else snigger when they hear the name of America's First Lady - Laura Bush?

Imagine Cilla Black saying it! Ya gotta :)