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The DAILY SPOT ARCHIVE 80% of Greater Manchester's real estate now owned by footballers A survey by the Halifax has revealed that the majority of property in Manchester is now owned by current or ex-professional footballers, the findings of the survey will increase speculation that house prices are no longer an effective index of national wealth. The government has contended that house price rises in the North of England bely the perception that a pronounced North/South divide exists and that, in fact, the North is a wealthy economy in it's own right. However Donald Whitman of the University of Leeds School of Economics argues that the presence of super-wealthy footballers has created a new landed gentry with average families being priced out of the market for 3 bedroom semis by players like Manchester City's Robbie Fowler who owns much of Bury and Oldham. more Recent Accidents in London and Paris Linked To American Eating Habits Two recent accidents in London and Paris have been linked to Americans' eating habits but fortunately did not result in deaths or injuries. In the first incident, the Eiffel Tower began to lean very heavily to the left. Security personnel, afraid that a structural problem had suddenly developed, ordered all visitors to move toward the middle. At that point, the tower righted itself. It was later determined that a preponderance of American tourists standing near one wall of the tower on the first level had caused it to lean dangerously. "America is the land of all you can eat and the $2.99 buffet," commented one French official. "Quelle horror! Sacre bleu! Perhaps that morning too many Americans who had recently partaken of that kind of meal came to the Eiffel Tower at the same time!" Commented another, "They also like our bread so much that they buy many baguettes and carry them around all day to munch on. If you add two baguettes to each pocket of a 250-lb man and multiply that by 70 or 100, you are going to have some serious problems." In London, too many American tourists sat on the right side of a red double-decker bus, blocking traffic, causing the bus to lean dangerously to one side, and allowing only the minature Smart cars to fit underneath the temporary tunnel caused by the stalled bus. "It's our very own Chunnel!" chortled one driver as he carefully steered his tiny car past the bus. "Look, the bus provides protection from the rain as I drive by!" The tourists were dispersed among various parts of the bus, enabling the bus to right itself and continue on its merry way. "Americans are delightful people, but they do have a tendency to supersize it," said one NHS official. "That may be fine when you have 50 states to spread out in, although it certainly isn't healthy, but it does create transportation problems in England and elsewhere." Signs will soon be posted at major tourist attractions throughout Europe, reminding Americans to disperse themselves among the generally slimmer Europeans and not to clump together. more Fury over ‘Marijuana is Good for You’ Campaign Hungary’s quiet arrival into the European Union has given way to a blazing row after the Magyars declared ’marijuana is good for you’ in a bold bid to boost tax revenue. The country’s new approach to ‘soft drugs’, however, has met hard line opposition from other EU leaders in Brussels who have slammed the Hungarians as “irresponsible pot-pushing peddlers of death, disease and moral decay”. That particular outburst came from the moral high ground of the United Kingdom which has nurtured and preferred its own legion of ‘lager louts’ to the more soporific pursuits of the Netherlands… and now Hungary. Prime Minister Tony Blair warned that the EC could be plunged into a political crisis if the lax approach on marijuana and cannabis was not replaced with far more robust legislation. But with Peter Medgyessy, the Hungarian PM, already announcing his decision to step down from office, his attitude towards Mr Blair was relaxed, but far from conciliatory. In an approximate translation, Mr Medgyessy said: “Calm down man, chill out; what you need is a really good hit. Will I skin up?” The Member states were not totally united behind Mr Blair. The Dutch, all wearing MP3 players, seemed totally nonplussed over the situation while the Belgian contingent remained silent, raising suspicions that its stance was linked to the sudden increase in chocolate exports to the former communist state. Hungary’s legalisation of the Class C drug came with the cultivation of 1,200,000 hectares of the Great Plain, already home to thousands of orchards, vineyards and bountiful farms. This year’s mixture of blazing sunshine, high humidity and an abundance of rain saw the hemp crop surpass all expectations. The average plant, with the Hungarian growers opting for a Northern Light/Haze hybrid, soared well above 2.5m. This first crop is expected to finally surpass 125,000 tonnes. The Magyar government has levied a hefty tax rate on marijuana and resin sales with a kilo of high quality, top leaf ‘grass' selling for 4,126 HUF (approx 10 quid). While this is still an expensive luxury for many ordinary Hungarians, it is a bargain basement price for tourists. Villagers have been quick to capitalise by setting up ‘stoner stalls’ and the city of Kecskemét has even introduced a special ‘smoking park’ where tourists can relax with a giant pipe while listening to Hungarian cover versions of Grateful Dead recordings. more Teens sold their wet panties on the Internet Officials from OfNet — the UK's Internet watchdog — stepped in today to stop thousands of British schoolgirls augmenting their pocket money by selling their used undies on the Internet. With top-level co.uk domain names selling for as little as a tenner and the availability of 3G picture-in-picture mobile telephones, Britain's cash-strapped cheeky girls have been selling off their dirty knickers to panty-obsessed Americans desperate to get their hands — or possibly another part of their anatomy — on the filthy undies of sixteen-year-old English schoolgirls. Veteran Californian pornographers are said to be 'devastated' by this new assault on the beleaguered US adult entertainment industry, already reeling from President Bush's 'clean up America' campaign. Bruce Arschweiper of 'Anal Destruction Inc' was typical of the US pornographers we spoke to: "It was bad enough when the Dutch moved in on our action; I mean their dogs are bigger than ours and sex is legal over there at fourteen. But the government blocks most of their websites so we were able to get back in the game. Then these British kids came along with their fucking panty scam and just creamed our butts. They aren't breakin' no US laws so there's nothing we can do to stop them. If this goes on millions of Americans are gonna be out of a job and a lotta cheerleaders aint gonna make it through college." We put this to one sixteen-year-old girl who asked to remain anonymous when we interviewed her behind the bike shed at a Staines Comprehensive School. "Fuck 'em," replied the unrepentant nymphet with a provocative pout. "My mum gives me, like, ten quid a week pocket money and I get another ten from delivering videos for a porn shop, but that doesn't even pay for a pair of Nikes, know what I mean? Why should I have to go without life's little luxuries when I can make a hundred quid a week selling my knickers on the Net?" "That seems like an awful lot of money to pay for a used pair of knickers," we commented. "Don't be stupid," retorted the teenage entrepreneur tartly, "That's for ten pairs, not one!" "Good heavens!" we replied, "We had no idea teenagers masturbated so much." "Don't be stupid. I don't cum in all of them, I get the cat to pee in the rest." "Why a cat?" we asked. "Coz I don't wanna get done under the Trades Descriptions Act." "We don't follow you?" Well, "My ad says the knickers are hot, wet and musky from my pussy. Like hello? I couldn't claim that if I'd let my dog pee in them, could I?" We asked a spokestypeperson from OfNet what law these girls were breaking by selling freshly-worn, cat-soiled underwear on the Internet. "Look," complained the bespectacled civil-servant testily, "It's not just about panties. These schoolgirls are selling used gymslips, uniforms, capri pants, crop tops and even their mother's tights and Elle MacPherson thongs." "Yes, but what laws are they breaking?" we persisted. "British anti-terrorism laws." "Since when are dirty knickers a terrorist threat?" "Since the Home Secretary classified soiled underwear as a 'biological weapon of mass destruction." "When did he do that?" "Shortly after George Bush telephoned him to complain that twenty-seven high school students from Idaho had been asphyxiated by panties they brought from British schoolgirls on the Internet." "Astonishing!" we replied. "Will they recover?" "I doubt it. They all choked to death." "Choked?" "Apparently they read somewhere on the Internet that if you put an orange in your mouth and cover your face with a pair of dirty panties worn by an English virgin you will have the most explosive orgasm you've ever experienced." "And did they?" "How the hell should I know? The silly buggers are dead!" more Thatcher masterminded African coup fiasco Baroness Thatcher had to be resuscitated by MI6 emergency services this morning as she broke down at the news that her son Sir Mark Thatcher had been arrested at his Cape Town home and charged with financing a coup in Equitorial Guinea. The news follows a series of revelations that mercenaries involved in the plot have confessed to federal prosecutors in Zimbabwe that Sir Mark was merely carrying out his mother's orders following her imminent bankruptcy petition after losing all her lifetime savings - along with Chile's General Pinochet - at the Riggs Bank, a US laundering facility run by President Bush's uncle Jonathan Bush. Further, that Equitorial Guinea's President Obiang had lost $500 million in sequestered personal accounts held at Riggs that US Undersecretary for Defence Dov Zakheim had siphoned off to facilitate a smooth whitewash of courtroom claims in Kabul by other mercenaries, led by Jonathan Idema, that they had been hired by the Riggs CEO to find Osama and claim the $25 million bounty in order to pay off fines imposed on Riggs after the Pinochet moneylaundering fiasco became public. This morning, in a series of startling revelations it emerged that Sir Mark had been provided with funds of over £2 million by ex-Tory party chairman and perjury jailbird Jeffrey Archer who had boasted that his personal chairty fundraising efforts after the first Gulf War had raised £57 million to give to the beleagured Kurds in Northern Iraq. No trace has ever been found of this alleged charity money. However, Archer has been sued in the UK courts by Ahmad Chalabi who has alleged in public that Archer had "either stashed it under his matterass" or given it to Iyad Allawi to finance his Autumn 2004 world lecture tour that is to culminate in a personal address to the UK's Labour Party Conference in Brighton next month. Meanwhile, back in London, Conservative Party Central Office was besieged with phone calls asking if Sir Mark had any links to the Labour Government's Public/Private Finance Initiative that normally organises such ventures concerned with the takeover of foreign sovereign states that had more oil than common sense, like Iraq. The Initiative, which is the brainchild of Tony Blair's Middle East Envoy Lord Levy, has been reported as eyeing up Iran as its next potential target and recent reports have noted that the Prime Minister's wife Cherry Bush QC is to undertake her own personal world lecture tour later this year to rally support for this latest wheeze. Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment this morning but his wife Mary, the noted chemistry professor famed for her ricin recipies in The Taleban Cookbook, was said to be livid and filing for a judicial separation from her colorful spouse. Sir Mark Thatcher is 51. more Unions Announce Shock One Day 'Perfect Service' ASLEF and the RMT today jointly announced that their London Underground members will be running the first of several "perfect service days" from 8pm on Tuesday 31 August until 8pm Wednesday 1 July. The day of action is cynically timed to provide a perfect tube service spread over a two day period, whilst allowing the Unions to officially classify this as just a 24 hour 'period of perfection'. The action will result in all trains running exactly on time, with zero malfunctions or delays of any sort at all. London Underground staff will also ensure that all tube stations will be in pristine condition, all litter will be removed on a five minutely basis, and the complete escalator network will be in full working order, with staff carrying passengers up stairs on their backs at the first hint of a malfunction - even as slight as if the handrail seems to be going faster than the stairs. As a further part of this action, no passengers will be allowed to throw themselves on the line. An ASLEF spokesperson, Comrade John Smith, said today "It is time that London Underground and the Government realise that they cannot continually pressurise tube staff to deliver a service that is total, complete, and enjoyable to all its customers. There has been a misconception for years that Londoners actually want a reliable tube service. This is simply not the case. This 24 hour dose will remind everyone how unbearable perfection really is." London Underground hit back with its own statement. "The LU is sickened at the reality of yet another day of action directed by the Unions." The company is considering seeking an injunction to stop the action, claiming it would be illegal to run the tube efficiently. London Mayor Ken Livingstone broke away from a seven-course working lunch at the Dorchester to add to the condemnation of both sides. "This action is totally unacceptable in any circumstances but unavoidable because it is all the Government's fault." London roads are expected to be jammed for longer than usual during the evening rush hour, as many commuters quickly pop into their cars and aimlessly drive around for a bit having got home slightly earlier than usual. At time of going to press, it is rumoured that several rail franchises in the South East are considering similar action although Railtrack have responded by saying, "We'd like to see them try - you can rely on us to make sure that the service will be at its normal incompetent level, whatever the workers try to do." more Countryside to be Abolished In a shock move the Prime Minister has announced that the English countryside, is "to be abolished". Speaking to a press conference in Downing Street he announced the move as part of a package of measures aimed at "getting rid of a load of expensive bloody farmers for good." Mr Blair explained that given the problems of BSE, fox-hunting and Foot and Mouth disease he was "thoroughly fed up with the whole thing" and the best way of dealing with these problems was to abolish the countryside, "lock, stock and broken-down tractor." He announced that from midnight tonight the army would be moving in to seal off the countryside. Downing Street advisors have suggested that the countryside could then be broken up and towed away, possibly to somewhere really unpleasant "like Afghanistan". From henceforth the Government has agreed that all towns and cities in the UK will now be brought together by a process of "really tightening up the Green belt". Manchester will now begin at the outskirts of Birmingham, and London will immediately be merged into Oxford, Milton Keynes and Canterbury. Officials have, however, suggested that some parts of the countryside may be saved by being parcelled off and sold on to the highest bidder. Various rich Americans are particularly keen on adding the Pennines to their rolling Texas prairies "to give them a bit of variety". Large parts of Devon may be sold off to the Walt Disney Corporation as part of its new rustic theme park in Florida. Some hilly parts of Yorkshire have also been set aside for plugging-in flooded areas of the Netherlands. Warming to his theme the Prime Minister then suggested we could "throw away Northern Ireland as well, and for that matter, Wales," before being chloroformed by his Press Secretary. A government spokesperson said: "The countryside has had this coming for a long time. You can only go for so long being a drain on resources, generally being a bit infected and looking unkempt and muddy - frankly, it had to go." said In response the National Farmers' Union saya that if the countryside is abolished then they won't have anything to complain about, and that this "will be all the Government's fault." more Britons angry at on-the-spot fines for expired televison licences A scheme to impose automatic on-the-spot fines on owners of television sets without an up-to-date licence has been criticised by viewers across the UK. The scheme, to be introduced in January 2005, is part of a number of measures to clamp down on people who evade renewing a wide range of licences. Under the rules, which were unveiled last December but only come into effect on January 1st, offenders will be given an on-the-spot fine of £100, as well has having their sets electronically modified for a month to be able to receive only UK Gold. If after that period a licence has still not been obtained there will be a further fine of £500 and reception of UK Gold will be replaced with a special new channel, which will show an episode of Mastermind, followed by a 1968 interview with Malcolm Muggeridge, in an endless loop. Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for the BBC, said that the Corporation had pressed the government to make this change and was glad to see it finally in effect. "We really need those licence fees," he said, "and although we would have preferred not to have had to go with such draconian measures, we feel that it is only fair that those who do pay for our fine programmes should not subsidise those who do not. We think that a steady diet of Mastermind and Muggeridge will soon get licence hold-outs back into the fee-paying fold." A Downing Street official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that there is no truth in the rumour that couples must now renew their marriage licence annually and that failure to do so would mean that the licence, and therefore the marriage itself, was invalid. "I know that this will disappoint some people," he said, "but that, I'm afraid, is how it is. Anybody wanting a quick way out of a marriage might be better just not renewing the TV licence and hoping that Mastermind and Muggeridge drive the unwanted spouse out." She quickly added that that suggestion should not be construed as official government policy. more Blair offers Cardiff as 'Nuclear Test Target' The nature of the Anglo-American "Special Relationship" has been called into question once more as it was announced that the British Prime Minister had offered the US President the city of Cardiff as a target for the first live test of his "Son of Star Wars" defence grid programme. According to the plans drawn up by Secret Washington Missile Defence Laboratory "Ka-Boom!", a live nuclear missile will be launched from a US submarine in the Mediterranean at the Welsh thoroughfare, and the so-far untested orbital lasers will have a matter of minutes to shoot it out of the sky before it devastates "an area the size of Cardiff" which will in this case actually be Cardiff. Scientists claim that the Welsh people have little to worry about as there is "at least a 54% chance of success - even more if we can be bothered to concentrate a bit." Although, they have warned that nearby towns and cities should expect "collateral damage" as the aptly named "Death Star" satellite's lasers are aligned. Speaking in the Commons, yesterday, Tony Blair defended the decision. "We've all got to play our part in the war on bad people. I'd trust George with my life, and there's no better way for the people of south Wales to show their willingness in the global war on nastiness than to do the same. You're either with us, or against us. Either way, our legal team assures me that we have the right to incinerate you whenever we deem proper. It's your choice." In a special broadcast on S4C, Bush told the Welsh people "Look, you liberals are moanin' now. But when we switch this thing on for real in a couple of years, and all the old cold war treaties go up in smoke, you better pray that this thing works. Yeah, sure it's risky - and there will be many casualties. But as my Saudi friends point out, if you want an omelette, you've got to break a few legs." Asked why the test was being performed with live missiles and human targets, instead of - say - in the middle of the desert or at the bottom of the ocean, Bush responded "You wouldn't believe the BS I'd get from the environmentalists if I suggested that. In any case, I think this is really going to sharpen the minds of those boys in white coats. Y'know, if they know it's just a simulation, they don't really give it everything they've got." The President was also criticised over the US Army's new range of weapons, which some "unpatriotic commies" claim are unnecessarily inflammatory. "The TurbanHunter3000 missiles are not indiscriminate," he claimed. "They specifically only target people dressed like the terrorists in movies I've seen on TV." Meanwhile, the people of Cardiff have been given government leaflets to read entitled "What To Do In The Event Of You and Your City Being Destroyed In a Sixty Megaton Nuclear Blast" and "Fifty Thousand Times More Powerful Than The Bomb That Destroyed Hiroshima - How Big Is That Really?" As Emyrs Williams, a local resident told us "It couldn't be worse than Rhys Ifans, or God Save Us Hywel bloody Bennett, now could it?" more Blunkett’s dog argues case for neutering While Home Secretary David Blunkett remains barricaded behind his wall of silence as his tangled love life is trawled through the British media, his faithful guide dog has snarled: “I should have had him neutered.” Sadie, a stunning two-year-old black Labrador-retriever cross, has held her paw up and admitted she’s guilty of irresponsible ownership. “I know a hypocrite is for life, and not just for Christmas,” she said. Sadie’s surprising confession, to be published in full in today's Sunday’s tabloids, comes after it was revealed that the Labour Cabinet Minister could be one of the first to be prosecuted under his own new Anti-Social Behaviour Act. This provides a template of how the British Government feels society should behave. Police are now investigating whether a high profile politician having a sexual relationship with a married woman who has a young child and an oblivious husband, then undergoing DNA tests to establish responsibly for a pregnancy, falls foul of the regulations governing “acceptable behaviour”. “I’ll be mortified if I end up in court over this,” Sadie confessed. “If only I’d kept him on a tighter leash, if only I’d had him neutered. “I take a lot of the blame, I thought he was passed all that, I didn’t realise he still went into heat. “Politicians aren’t every guide dog’s idea of the perfect owner but I’ve done my best by not letting him fall under buses or trip up in the House of Commons… and now he goes and does something like this to me. “I’ve seen him rub up people the wrong way but I didn’t think he would run off and behave like that. The only saving grace was that he wasn’t caught at it in the street and had to be hosed down by the police. Imagine if that picture appeared in the newspapers?” Sadie revealed she was hoping some measures could be introduced in the UK to curb such an incident ever happening again – such as tagging, ID cards, satellite surveillance of cars, curfews and the official scrutiny of all personal records. And, of course, a strong leash to curb any naughty sniffing. “Only by introducing these measures can we hope to really control anti-social behaviour,” she said. “It must be horrible to step out of your door in the morning and discover the Home Secretary has fouled on your doorstep. “I’m ashamed of him; he’s been a bad, bad boy." Footnote: The UK’s Anti Social Behaviour Act introduces new laws to curb: • Youths on the streets after 5pm • Playing music that Prime Minister Tony Blair feels doesn’t ‘rock enough’ • Graffiti, such as scrawling an X next to any other name other than Labour on a ballot paper • Gathering in public places to protest about unjust wars • The throwing of missiles, except at people the Government doesn’t like • Any foul language expressed at the Prime Minister’s luxury holidays arrangements. more Asylum seekers use panto horse to enter UK Asylum seekers have been dressing as pantomime horses to smuggle themselves into the UK. The flood has led to calls for stricter controls on fancy dress hire, amid fears that terrorists could strike during the festive season. The Prime Minister urged people to be extra vigilant over the holiday period and warned of tough decisions ahead. Scots Tory leader David McLetchie estimates that up to 5,000 people may have illegally entered Scotland by simply dressing as a pantomime horse and getting the train from London. "Last week in my constituency, an Afghan family applied for a council house while dressed as Widow Twanky". Intelligence agencies have warned of a plot to flood Scottish cities with Chechen orphans disguised as the seven dwarves. The claim has alarmed Dwarf Rights Groups, who fear it will lead to reprisals against those below average height. The Home Secretary conceded as much in his Commons statement. "Yes. It will lead to all sorts of bother for many people. But that is the price we pay for living in a democracy". The trade in human misery has spread to the Carribean where Rastafarian Jamaican yardy boy "snakehead" drug gangs have been employing horses as mules. The mules are sent in horse containers by air or by sea, often accompanied by women who have swallowed an asylum seeker. more A-level results show UK on track to becoming nation of geniuses As expected, this year's A-level results for England, Wales and Northern Ireland have once again improved, with the pass rate rising slightly to 96%, the twenty-second successive increase. 22.4% of entrants received an A-grade, up from 21.6% last year. And according to at least one analyst, that puts us on track to becoming a nation of geniuses by 2015. School Standards Minister David Miliband denied that the year-by-year improvement in results is because standards have dropped and exams are getting easier. "That's simply not true," he told our reporter. "If anything, the exams are getting harder. For example, in order to stand a chance of getting above a C grade, a student not only has to show up for the exam at the right time and place, but also must get his or her name completely correct on the answer sheet. It used to be that they only had to get it mostly right." "I welcome these results," he added, "because it puts us on track to meeting the target of a diploma for all that we proposed earlier this year. And the clear, undeniable fact is that as a nation we are becoming cleverer and cleverer." We asked Peter Snow, media statistical analyst and illustrator, what the trend in A-level results implies. He showed, by means of a series of handbells of gradually increasing pitch, arranged on a ten metre long multicoloured board with lots of flashing lights, and, for a reason we did not enquire about, a bunch of grapes, that, if the trend continues, by 2015 80% of the UK population, excluding Scotland, will officially be classed as geniuses and the remaining 30% "very clever", with everyone having at least twelve grade A, A-levels. "Or is that genii," he asked. "And we can't say anything about Scotland from these statistics," he reiterated, "although you may wonder about a nation that considers offal boiled in a sheep's stomach a delicacy." When our reporter, who received a grade A in A-level maths five years ago, pointed out the error - that 80% and 30% add to 110%, which is more than 100% and therefore statistically highly improbable - Mr Snow said that it was mainly because of the inherent uncertainty in statistical analyses, and also because some of the bells probably needed tuning. more SCOTLAND "FULL OF ARSEHOLES" What many have suspected for years has now been confirmed - Scotland is full of arseholes. The claim is made in a report by the National Census Analysis Group, which examined in detail the demographic breakdowns provided by the most recent UK wide census. John Sargent of NCAG said, "Scotland showed consistently high results across a wide range of negative indicators. Ignorance, ill health, a misplaced superiority complex and a raft of other self-destructive behaviours show Scotland to be one of the worst countries in the Western world for just about anything you care to name". The report, which runs to 115 pages, cites numerous instances of disappointing national characteristics and warns that without corrective action, Scotland is doomed to become "the men's toilets in the third division football ground of Europe." Ten reasons why Scotland is full of arseholes Highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe ( 9,000 a year) Riven by sectarianism Huge incidences of heart disease and cancers Home to vicious racism (up to and including the murder of refugees) Confused view of history (often leading to anti-English attitudes) Political ignorance (even when ripped off financially by politicians) High degrees of piety Increasing rates of crimes by working class people against other working class people Above average levels of obesity Massive use of high interest store cards Said Sargent, "It is sad and ironic that the country which gave the world the Enlightenment has descended into a morass of suspicious alcoholic dimwits incapable of getting out of the bath without the assistance of a hoist and a vodka and the promise of a fight once they're dry." The NCAG report brought a surprisingly measured response from MSPs. A spokesman for the SNP claimed that the findings only strengthened the case for a fully independent Scotland. "Until the Scots people take charge of their own affairs we will never be able to tackle these issues head on and move forward to the future." Archie Sim of the SSP said: "There is nothing in this report which cannot be resolved by education." Cammy Shields of the Scottish Tourist Board was more forthright. "It is disgraceful to single Scotland out like this. I'm sure that if you were to look at these figures proportionately, you'd find that the bastard English have got just as many problems." more Shocking New Study Reveals Millions of Nation’s Sheep Afflicted With Shit-Covered Ass Disease A new study commissioned by Newcastle University has revealed that almost all of the nation’s sheep are currently suffering, to one degree or another, from Shit-Covered Ass Disease. “A lot of us in the scientific community were shocked by the data,” admitted Gary Powell, an Associate Professor of Farm Animal Biology at Newcastle University. “I mean we knew the condition was prevalent, but to see it in basically a hundred percent of the sheep population, well, it just staggers the mind.” Farmers, however, were not surprised by the news. “Sheep don’t wipe their asses,” said David Jones, a local sheep farmer. “Never have, never will.” Jones went on to explain his theory that the reason so many sheep are afflicted by SCAD, as scientists have dubbed it, is that sheep do a lot of shitting, and that shit tends to stick to wool. “That’s just my opinion though,” added Jones, who went on to explain that, “I ain’t no scientist boy o’.” The full report will be published in next month’s edition of Wonders of Science. more Blunkett unveils plan for legalised brothels The government is set to finally acknowledge human societies attitude to prostitution: You either pay for it or you don't. The broken home secretary David Blanket threw aside the covers to reveal a ramrod straight set of stiff measures that he intends to push through the chamber. "I do not intend to ram this down parliament's throat by force. I would prefer this to be a thing freely accepted and given but if they were to proposition me on the matter I would point out that we are already paying a terrible price by the existence of prostitution on our streets. His new plan is to bring prostitution off of the streets and into the account books together with pension, savings and investment portfellatio's. Call girls under the age of 18 are to be given a 'special dispensation'. He said the purpose of this legislation is to "Break the stranglehold of pimps stuffing their slags with skag" and bring control of this social ill into the arena of the courtrooms where it belongs. Judges and prostitutes are both known to take bribes, wear wigs and fraternise with local police officers so bringing these two ago old institutions together under the same umbrella makes perfect sense. more If God Wanted Gays, He Wouldn’t Have Invented Tight Pussies And Huge Tits, Claims Pope The Pope openly denounced homosexuality yesterday in a meeting with papal authorities and reporters, pointing out that if God had wanted men to be gay, he would not have created tight pussies and huge tits. Addressing the growing concern amidst papal authorities that homosexuality is in the process of being “mainstreamed” after the United States passed a bill allowing same-sex marriage, the Pope stood firm on what he has continually said is the only reality of the situation, that homosexuality is forbidden by the Bible. Yet this time the Pope added to his statement and said God’s abhorrence to male union can be seen working in our natural world. After alluding to William Paley’s 18th century work Natural Theology, in which Paley argues for the existence of God by analysing a watch, the Pope outlined a similar argument using close-fitting vaginas and large breasts. “The intricate and delicate organisation of the constricted vaginal opening combined with a pair of huge, heaving bosoms, is overwhelming evidence that God would rather men lay with women than with one of their own,” the Pope said. The Pope said that this should once and for all convince mankind that homosexual unions are immoral. “The Bible no longer need be depended on to convince the masses that homosexuality is immoral, because the ordinary workings of female anatomy prove it,” he said. “What sort of God would our Lord be if he created men to put their cocks into the hairy, stinky poopy pipes of other men?” the Pope asked. “Obviously that is not meant to be.” Papal authorities disavow that the Pope has first-hand experience with the matters of female anatomy, and says the Pope’s most recent realisation about the inappropriateness of homosexuality came after the Vatican viewed several Hustler and Max Hardcore pornographic videos for “research purposes.” “We were looking to see deeper into the minds of those inflicted with sexual addiction by studying adult entertainment videos,” Cardinal San Domino said. “It was during a seminar where we observed the intensity of pleasure the female body was giving to a gentlemen referred to as Max Hardcore, that the Pope, momentarily awaking from a nap, claimed he saw something deeper than sexual addiction, that he saw the complete argument against homosexuality.” San Domino said that seconds later the Pope again fell into a restful pose, but that when awaking some weeks later, the experience of pleasure Max Hardcore had encountered while being mounted by the large-breasted female was still fresh in his mind. “This was several weeks ago. And since the United States has suddenly thrown in the towel concerning this virus of sexuality, many had been wondering if the Catholic Church, too, would soon be doing the same. But I think that after hearing the Pope today, the world can rest assured that although homosexuality appears to be succeeding on some fronts, in the heart of God it is doomed.” more Faria shagged me senseless says sacked FA Chief Buttock-clenching revelations by former FA secretary Faria Alam about her affair with England’s national football coach have brought a sharp response from her other cuckolded lover. Mark Palios, the FA chief executive who had to resign when the scandal broke, claims that everything the sloe-eyed beauty did to Sven Goran Eriksson, she also did to him — but for far longer. Now petulant Palios, determined to blow away the ignominy of being a sexual afterthought, is negotiating his own ‘kiss and tell’ deal with the Racing Times — or possibly Sporting Sluts. Ms Alam's sultry lips have so far sucked up a knicker-loosening £500,000 from two national UK newspapers for the explicit details of her relationship with the Swedish love-machine and former England football coach. Fun-sized Faria (33-25-35) graphically described how she licked the Swede's impressive credentials while he slept and explained how she perfected her technique by practising on two nodding security guards, or 'sleeping dicks' as she gleefully described them. Palios angrily dismissed Alam's claims that he failed to measure up to Eriksson in the trouser snake department. "Our eyes met over a candlelit dinner at her flat," confided the ageing Lothario. "The next thing I knew she'd ripped my clothes off, grabbed my todger with both hands, and slipped it into the net with the triumphant observation that it made Sven's manhood look like a shrivelled chipolata." The sultry strumpet has told a very different story: "Our eyes met over a limp McMuffin at Starbucks. Afterwards he drove me back to his seedy bedsit in a bloody Vauxhall Vectra. No sooner had I unzipped his trousers than he shot his load into a Kleenex and fell asleep. I had to finger myself to a multiple orgasm in the taxi on the way home. I felt used — the tight bastard wouldn't even pay my cab fare." Rival newspapers are now investigating hundreds of claims from disgruntled men who believe they were ‘pleasured’ while they slept and say it is possible Ms Alam broke into their bedrooms and performed unnatural acts upon them. But Palios now claims that the former model was even more adventurous and shamelessly drove him to shattering climax as he cycled past her at a bus stop. “She’s very good,” he said. “I didn’t even see her standing there; I was pedalling past when I felt this tingling around my manhood and my knees just gave way. The next I knew I'd soiled my bloody trousers. It was all over in less than a second. She literally blew me away.” Further newspaper revelations are expected to reveal how ‘Ferrari’ Faria: Practised her infamous oral techniques on a giant cheque book. Indulged in an eighteen-hour bout of self-abuse with wads of ten pound notes during which she orgasmed 27 times. Screamed out the names of foreign currencies during steamy sex sessions with the England squad. Ms Alam has now proclaimed her love for Eriksson on national television, and expressed her regret at causing the crisis within England’s Football Association. “I thought I was just relieving the tensions in the team,” she sobbed, wiping away a tear. “I really didn't expect this to blow up in my face in such a big way." In a bizarre twist, the Middle East news agency Al Jizz, hit out at the hypocrisy of the West in a special broadcast which condemned the British press for paying £500,000 to Ms Alam for going down on 11 men, while the US Justice department is sending disgraced American squaddie Lynndie England down for 11 years for doing the same thing to 500,000 Iraqi prisoners. We put this sticky point to Ms Alam. "Fuck 'em," snapped the sultry todger-teaser, making a grab for our reporter's crotch. "You wanna see what I did to Mark?" Our reporter politely declined her offer to experience her 'remote arousal techniques' and left the cunning minx to gloat over our cheque. more Spyware Reaches New and Frightening Level of Sophistication Spyware technology takes a major step forward this week humiliating Windows XP users everywhere. A new class known as Deviant-X-CamSpawner, or Dev-X is believed to infect more than 125,000 machines worldwide and is spreading at a rate of 12,000 / day. It propagates itself by exploiting a vulnerability in Microsoft Internet Explorer then sits dormant scanning users surfing habits. Dev-X kicks into action when someone visits sites with pornographic content, then tries to detect a webcam attached to the users PC. If found it is activated and spawns a Real Media compatible webcam server on Port 80. It then uses an embedded SMTP server to distribute an email to everyone in the users Microsoft Outlook address book. The email includes subject, “Hey [Name] I have a surprise for you”. The email content will vary to avoid being trapped by spam filters, but one variant is; “I know we don’t talk much about personal stuff, but I wanted to let you know that when I’m alone at my computer, I’m usually thinking about you. This is too personal for me to discuss face to face, and I’d rather you didn’t bring it up next time we see each other, but I REALLY want you to see what I get up to when you are on my mind! I think you’ll be pleased. I’ve set up a webcam for you to watch.” http://IP_ADDRESS/dev-x-server.rm When the unsuspecting recipient of the email clicks the link they are treated to either a live show if it’s still in progress, or served an archive of the event that Dev-X has spawned to disk. Picture quality varies depending on bandwidth and webcam quality, but users with a good connection also receive an audio stream of the Divinyls one hit wonder “When I think of You I Touch Myself”, whose haunting chorus: I don't want anybody else When I think about you I touch myself Oh I don't want anybody else oh no oh no oh no brings a crescendo of horror as the viewers world comes crashing down around them. A spokesman for “Real Media” told reporters, “This is a disgrace. Someone out there has without license distributed a Real compatible media server that not only works flawlessly, it also manages to operate over Port 80, navigate through firewalls, stream to disk and auto-feed archive footage. We are absolutely appalled because we have not managed to achieve this ourselves yet. We hope that this villain is brought to justice, so their identity is revealed and we get the chance to start them at £150,000 / year + benefits.” more Blair emits “silent scream” Tony Blair emits a “cry for help” so high pitched that normal people cannot hear it. While studying the Prime Minister, researchers noticed that when these "terrified screams" were processed by a bat detector, an abundance of ultrasound was detected. The researchers believe that these sounds might be "secret" screams for help” - that Blair’s political opponents are unable to hear. Scientists know that some rodents make ultrasonic noises, but they have never been able to work out exactly what they are for. Now, at last, researchers have detected an ultrasonic noise in the House of Commons which they think has a clear meaning. James Smith-Boffin, of the University of Archway, made the discovery while studying grey squirrels and Young Conservatives at a Golf Club in Cheshunt. He suspected that the squirrels were communicating using “honest and truthful statements” that were simply “outside of the normal human hearing range”. Detecting ultrasound in a rodent is not groundbreaking, but it has never before been detected in a political leader. more Tony Blair Discusses Stem Cell Research with Self Both Tony Blairs 1 & 2 showed support today for the Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority (HFEA) decision to allow the cloning of human embryos. The move follows South Koreas announcement in February allowing their scientists to embark on the same procedures, but flies in the faces* of President George Bush in the U.S. who banned Federal funding for stem cell and cloning research on Aug 9th 2001 (back before he had any proper work to do). In this decisive, clear and unambiguous piece of policy, Bush said “Yes and No” to stem cell research. The President declared that in the U.S. only human embryos extracted previously could be used for medical research. New embryos, even if discovered in discarded feminine hygiene products, should not be used for science. He also closed the door to Federal funding for any research of this type. Sen. John Kerry, Bush's Democratic rival in the November presidential election, has said that if elected he'd overturn those funding restrictions (along with all other policy instated over the last four years.) Similar announcements are expected soon by Sweden and Japan. The Japanese hope that they can mass-produce an army of efficient workers capable of automating themselves out of the workforce. The Swedes remain tight lipped about their intentions, but the international scientific community has their fingers crossed for an increase in the number of tall blondes who enjoy public nudity. Many scientists believe stem cells hold vast promise for treating a variety of illnesses and a breakthrough in this arena may offer wonderful late-in-life opportunities for retired, non-working, non-tax paying individuals to live beyond their useful life expectancy. The recent death of former President Ronald Reagan has forced the issue to the spotlight in the US. Former first lady Nancy Reagan and 58 senators asked President Bush to relax his stance, but he refused claiming, “I understand the issues completely. I’ve read so many reports about stem cell research that I’ve near worn the skin off my index finger. There’s no way I’m gonna let you bring that old guy back, No sirree!” more 11th August 2004 Scientists develop new swearword A group of linguists from Bristol have stunned the world by producing the first new English swearword in decades. The discovery is a tremendous victory for British science, which still manages to lead the world despite massive underfunding from the government. “We started by analysing existing swearwords,” said Professor Susannah Folio from the Cartington Institute for Linguistic Novelty. “We noticed that most of the best swearwords – the classic ‘four letter words’ such as crap – had one vowel with a consonant or consonant cluster on either side. It was clear we had to follow the same pattern. But we didn’t lose sight of such classics as arse and wanker either.” And the new word itself? Chud. You can describe someone as a chud or chudlifter, or talk about how chudding annoying something is. “We’ve still got a few issues to iron out,” said Professor Folio, “like just how bad the swearword is. Personally, I’d like to see it placed right at the top of the scale, above cunt. We’ve seen a real deflation in swearword intensity over recent years and so we need to introduce some new taboos. “But we’ve already decided what it refers to. A chud is any apparently useless flap of skin attached to a set of genitals. It’s the first gender-neutral swearword,” she added proudly. “That was a big part of our remit.” more Dated attitudes deter Prostitutes Hookers who take a break from careers in the sex industry to have children, often do not return because they are prevented from working part-time by old-fashioned attitudes, a survey showed today. The Institute of Professional Fellationists poll showed that seven out of ten prostitutes who took a career break did so to have children; with the vast majority of them being women. But while 34% left jobs in the sex industry to start families, only 14% returned to the same positions — or possibly new positions — and 75% of those who did go back to the same employer, were told they could not work part time. The institute lashed out at UK Trade and Industry Minister Patricia Blewitt who caused outrage with her remark earlier this week that 'no self-respecting small-time pimp with a brain in the right place would ever employ a prostitute of child-bearing age'. Lola Sapphos, deputy-director of the institute said: "It's time the Minister woke up to the fact that women working in the personal services industry have as much right to have babies as any other women. The refusal of employers to adopt modern working practices are forcing thousands of highly skilled young women into low-paid dead-end jobs in telesales and hairdressing. Unless the Government do something to stem the exodus there won't be enough hookers left to service the Judiciary and the Church, never mind some fat American tourist who wants them to pee on him for fifty quid." Her concerns were echoed by one ex-prostitute when we interviewed her in a seedy Estate Agent's office in Cricklewood. "It's a fucking disgrace," the attractive 24-year-old mother-of-six told us bitterly. "I used to have a gorgeous flat in Chelsea and earn two hundred quid just for letting High Court Judges suck my tits, now I'm reduced to giving blow jobs to the fucking manager of this dump just to make ends meet. And all because my previous employer wouldn't provide child-care facilities and let me work part-time." The survey of 294 professional prostitutes, who are all members of the institute, showed that barely 4% worked part-time when they returned, compared with more than 89% in other professions like Banking and the Law. "Clearly, if highly-skilled women, such as fellationists and disciplinarians, are leaving their jobs to have babies or form girlie pop groups, the industry is losing out on its most valuable workers," said Ms Sapphos. "Prostitutes are expensive to train, so it is not a good investment to let them leave their profession just because of old-fashioned attitudes to working practices." more Prozac in Great Britain's Drinking Water Results in Happier Britains Large traces of the anti-depressant Prozac have been found in Britain's drinking water supply, settling a long debate over why Britians appear so happy and upbeat environmentalists said Saturday evening. Geoff Emerson-Heath spoke at length over the new found discovery. “We knew tea at two, meat pies and local soccer teams meant a lot to us, but now we have discovered our pride has been chemically enhanced”. “This is exceptionally good news, indeed”. The Observer and The Sun newspapers reported Sunday that a report by the environment watchdog, ‘People Helping People’ found Prozac was building up in river systems and groundwater used for drinking supplies. “Further investigation has proved the Government was behind the plan”, said Edmund Lack-Luster, official spokesperson for ‘PHP’. “Apparently, the adding of Prozac to our drinking water has been in effect since the 1980’s”. “I know for a fact that I have been much jollier since the 90’s, but I always attributed that to Oasis’ lovely tunes”. The exact quantity of Prozac in the drinking water is the recommended daily dose required to treat depression, and the Environment Agency's report concluded Prozac would be tolerated well by all age groups in the water table. Experts say that Prozac finds its way into rivers and water systems from specially treated government laboratories that distribute drinking water, and some believe the drugs could affect reproductive ability. “Since we are happier, we have had a marked increase in birth rates”, stated Lack-Luster. “Or as we like to say, we’re making children’s feet for little shoes”. A spokesman for Britain's Drinking Water Inspectorate said Prozac was likely to be found considerably acceptably by all. “It is extremely unlikely that anyone would complain”. “And since the drug is excreted by the kidneys, eventually it will make its way back to the water table, thus recycling itself”, the spokesman said. “Advanced treatment processes installed for Prozac are effective in ensuring drug residues are maintained at quality levels." Unfortunately, some environmentalists are calling for an urgent investigation into the invasion of privacy. Norman Baker, environment spokesman for the Labor Party, said “It looks like a case of hidden mass medication upon the unsuspecting public”. “We’d expect this kind of thing to happen in the US, they have that type of government you know, but not here”. “It is alarming that the levels of Prozac have driven some to actually consider renaming the famous ‘Bridge of Sighs’ at Cambridge. “Good Lord in Heaven, what’s next”, Baker yelled at no one in particular. The Environment Agency held a series of meetings with the pharmaceutical industry to discuss the cost of maintaining the current concentrations for human health and their ecosystem, the Observer said. In a sidebar column, it was noted that the overall prescriptions of anti-depressants has fallen in Britain. In the decade up to 2001, overall prescriptions of antidepressants fell from 24 million to .5 million a year, the paper said. more WHEELCHAIR ACCESS FOR SUICIDE BOMBERS Following the assassination of Hamas spiritual leader Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, the militant disabled rights group "Wheels of Freedom" has taken the resultant media furore as an opportunity to highlight the plight of disabled terrorists across the world, who they believe are being unfairly discriminated against. The groups's prolific spokesperson, Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush spoke from his wheelchair outside the group's headquarters in North West London. "Great strides – or should that be great trundles – have been made in the advancing of equal rights for the disabled over the years," explained the good Doctor, doing a cheeky wheelie, "but the upsurge in terrorist activity has highlighted the great inequalities that remain in the field of international blood-letting." "Almost all suicide bombers have so far been able-bodied men between the ages of 16 and 35, with perhaps the odd able-bodied woman or child used on occasion," he continued. "This is clearly unacceptable. We know for a fact that there are many disaffected cripples who wish to die for their beliefs, taking as many leg-using people with them as they can. We believe that the leaders of the active terrorist organisations are overlooking their differently-abled brethren due to outdated stereotyping, but also because of the woeful lack of disabled access to Government buildings, buses and mountain caves in some territories." Clearly warming to his theme, Dr Hackenbush stood to continue his address to the assembled press corps. "We would like to take this opportunity to highlight the fact that Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, despite being frail and wheelchair-bound, was the catalyst for many a murder in the Middle East. People didn't concentrate on what he couldn't do, but judged him instead on results alone. The fact that Israel thought it necessary to use high explosives to remove this feeble old man from the face of the earth is a testament to his successes in life, regardless of whether his legs worked or not. We feel that more wheelchair-bound citizens could make a difference if only more investment was put into the construction of access ramps in popular public buildings and places." Dr Hackenbush's clarion call has been taken up by other pressure groups, with nods of approval coming from various societies representing the blind, the infirm and the terminally ill. Said one Derek Gadd, a spokesman for the St Bartholomew's Hospice in Oswestry, "A lot of our residents are deeply bitter about the hand God has dealt them and have a lot of hatred in their hearts. If only council planners would consider the needs of frail people with a drip in one arm, many would happily contribute to the cause of an extremist group through the donation of their bodies as slowly moving bombs. And let's face it, it's not as if they've got much to lose, bless them." more Topless Women Terrorise Beaches in Romania Unattractive, topless women are terrorising a beach resort in the Black Sea, police have said. The topless women, mostly aged over 65 years, walk up and down the sea front, browse for gifts in gift shops and sometimes lay chest upwards on the sand. These women have had a 'markedly detrimental' effect on tourism in the resort of Concertina County, Romania, complain police. On one beach, popular for volleyball, ice cream sales have fallen by over 25% so far this year. The local police, determined to stop the situation getting any worse, are recruiting more officers to ensure that only women attractive enough to go topless are allowed to do so. Those women deemed 'unfit' and seen walking, or bathing, topless on the beach will be arrested under new emergency anti-terrorism laws. Police Chief Victor Poppeldopolis said that he is co-ordinating the setting up of a crack squad of beach monitoring agents: "It sounds like a good job, looking at topless women all day, but the hours are long and the money is not so good - and after about eight months you get bored of looking at sagging tits all day long." Police are to set up security check points where women can go for advice on whether they are deemed attractive enough to go topless - these will be staffed by officers with absolutely no qualifications whatsoever. Elsewhere, the resort is to introduce minimum walking speeds in areas where particularly high levels of unattractive topless women have been reported. There will also be a SWAT squad which can be called into action in grievous breaches of the new anti-topless laws. They will be armed with large towels and big baggy t-shirts. more Barney to Replace Pele as Spokesman for Viagra In a shock announcement today the global pharmaceutical corporation Pfizer confirmed the end of their relationship with the worlds most famous footballer Pele. They confirmed today that Pele’s contract for the endorsement of their best selling impotence drug Viagra will not be renewed. In a simultaneous announcement they announced the new spokesperson for the wonder drug to be Barney The Purple Dinosaur. Barney has in the past endorsed such companies as Microsoft, and Hasbro but Pfizer claimed to be very happy with their new spokesman. We would like to think that our customers see us in much the same way as children see barney” said Ned Seagoon, Head of Marketing for the drugs company. “he has a big purple head and he pops up when you least expect him, so in may ways we think Barney is the perfect ambassador for our revolutionary product.” “We are sad to say goodbye to Pele but we felt that someone famous for kicking balls was no longer the kind of association we were looking for with our range of uplifting pharmaceuticals” continued Seagoon. The Purple Dinosaur then made an appearance at the press conference, handing out little blue diamond shaped pills to the assembled roomful of journalists. “Hello every body, I’m Barney the Dinosaur” announced the ever cheerful tyrannosaurus derivative, “you know sometimes its hard being hard so why not do what I do and stand up proud and shout Boom Boom, Agalaga Boom Boom, Open the door, get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur” He then continued to prance around whilst annoyingly lipsynching to a rather good Was not Was song. Pele, who was not present made a statement later in the day stating that he was disappointed but not overly so by the news and that he would be looking forward to the extra leisure time the development created for him. "People who are questioning my endorsing such a product should bear in mind that whenever I was in the box I scored and I have always been known as a keen dribbler" added the one time striker. Mrs Pele, was understood to be less happy as his extra time at home will not be bolstered by a free supply of the product he once endorsed. Barney on the other hand was busy singing and generally prancing around the room to a gathering of Journalists who strangely did not seem to want to stand up to leave. His entertainment went on long into the night, which also upset Mrs Pele. more Guinness Sparks Communion The Church of the Immediate Misdirection has adopted a new and highly successful change in their communion ritual, that has, in the words of Father Riley, “brought even heathens to the flock.” He went on to say that he was praying for divine guidance as to how he might bring the townsfolk back to the “vessel of the Church,” when a former church leader appeared to him in his room, with a wondrous idea. “As sure as there is a morning, it was our dearly departed Father Martin, speaking to me from the grave, “Give them a bit of Stout,” he said, “no Irishman in the country will be able to resist it, and you’ll have souls in the seats, more than the doors can hold.” “He told me to replace the wine used in communion with Guinness Stout, and that I did. It was like a miracle, the parish was filled to the rafters, the crowd went into the isles and out to the stoop. The congregation has more than doubled and the collection plate as well. I had to add a second service just to accommodate them all. Some members were so filled with the gospel, that they attended both sessions. It is truly a miracle, just a miracle!” “I have seen brethren, that have not attended services since their baptism, and here they are, the lot of them, partaking in the Lord's word.” Father Riley then said that he has added a second communion per service, and a bit larger cup. "The brother of Father Martin, a soul, long lost to the church, has regained his faith, and has become a member fully committed to the work of the Lord. He has volunteered to lead the women’s auxiliary in Wednesday Bible study, at which I will also offer communion.” (I was amazed at the uncanny resemblance of the dearly departed, Father Martin, and recently activated and very much alive brother. A shadow of suspicion was cast in my mind, regarding Father Riley’s miraculous vision and revelation.) One member of the parish wondered why it took them so long to change. “To serve wine in an Irish church, is almost uncivilized. Guinness is the manna of the people, God bless the Father for having thought of it.” Another member said, “I like it too, but it gave me the shits somethin’ terrible.” more National Pork Board Joins War on Terror Citing the dangerous geopolitical climate, the National Pork Board has taken the unorthodox step of seeking an active role in the war on terror. According to Ramon Garciaparra, a spokesperson for the National Pork Board, the idea is not as far-fetched as it might sound. The National Pork Board is basing its decision on original research on the structure of power relationships between nations, an assessment of the major zones of conflict around the world and the role of pork as a dietary staple. “According to our study,” said Garciaparra, “the region with the highest level of conflict and the lowest level of pork consumption is the Middle East. “Our plan is to bring awareness of the health benefits of pork to the region and to promote the consumption of port and pork products through a series of educational and culinary events in major cities across the Middle East,” continued Garciaparra. “Once people know that pork is an easy and tasty substitute to other meats, we expect to see the rapid adoption of the meat as a staple in the region with a concurrent lowering of tensions and hostilities.” Garciaparra and the Pork Board believe that if this were to occur, the Middle East would become a more stable and peaceful place. “We looked all over the world and this was the one place where the issue was just too obvious to ignore – no pork equals no peace, it’s just that simple.” Murray A. Albertson, Professor of Middle Eastern Studies and John Lord O'Brian, Professor of Divinity at the Harvard Divinity School in Cambridge, Massachusetts, feels that Garciaparra’s thesis ignores one very important point: two of the major religions in the region, Judaism and Islam, prohibit adherents from eating pork. “In the Koran, in Al Ma’idah: 3,” explained Murray, “this prohibition is made very clear, ‘Forbidden to you (for food) are: dead meat, blood, the flesh of swine, and that on which hath been invoked a name other than that of Allah’. Leviticus chapter 11 verse 7 and 8, which states, ‘…and the swine, as he divideth the hoof, and be cloven footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch, they are unclean to you,’ form the basis for the Jewish ban on eating pork. I don’t think a PR campaign is going to change people’s belief systems.” Diplomats shared Murray’s pessimism. UN Special Coordinator Terje Roed-Larsen, the UN’s Middle East envoy feels that the move is presumptions and ill-informed. “One of the biggest mistakes that the West - and the US in particular - makes in this region is to assume that what works at home will work here. This has been illustrated again and again – often with few results to show for the effort.” Garciaparra and the Pork Board are undeterred by what he refers to as the “negativity that always opposes creativity.” “We are Americans. We are pork men. We know that pork, if eaten in sufficient quantities, can lower the threat our country faces from regional instability and potential terrorist attacks,” continued Garciaparra, “The USA didn’t get to be number one by listening to people saying ‘it won’t work.’ Just look at the job being done bringing democracy to the region – that’s a hell of a lot harder to do than selling a few tons of pork chops.” more Passive smoking is good for you! "Passive smoking will increase your stamina, enhance your sex drive and make your penis 4 inches longer (men), or your boobies 3 inches bigger or smaller (women), depending on where you put your tongue when you inhale", says the latest report written for the tobacco industry. These findings have been welcomed by 'extreme smokers' in society, especially those who like to walk up to people on the street to puff smoke into their faces. Before this report was published, it was common knowledge that passive smoking made people's lungs go all 'gooey', causing them to die in a heap on the floor. But, following this report, passive smoking can now to be welcomed with 'open arms'. Passive smoking is defined in the report as that perfect moment of every day when someone in the same space as you, lights up a cigarette, creating 'that quintessential cloud of deliciousness' which is made generously available, by others, for your lungs to enjoy. This latest report seeks to redress what it refers to as 'the woossy, liberal, anti passive smoking lobby' which has 'got the upper hand' over the last few years. Smoking is now banned in more offices than ever before. The report itemises two of the benefits of a smoky working environment: · Smelly co-workers are less noticeable, helping psychological trauma in those people and a much reduced rate of suicide. · A smoky atmosphere was widely used in the 1970's to disguise numbers in pie charts during presentations - it is even suggested that the Enron scandal may never have come to light had the company employed a smoke everywhere policy, allowing thousands of workers to retire on stock gains denied them by the 'evil anti-passive smoking Nazis'. Passive smoking in bars was also a healthy endeavor, says the report, with bar staff confirming that passive smokers were over 2% more docile than customers in the non-smoking area. The report criticises in particular the 'anti-passive smoking working environment': "Office plants, popular in non-smoking offices, cause a large number of accidents every year. Plants generally die quickly in smoking environments and thus this danger is 'significantly reduced", said the report. The report concludes that not only is passive smoking good for you, primary smoking also offers many health benefits. This from the report: "Smoking stops people putting more dangerous things in their mouths, such as lead piping, asbestos and vials of SARS bacteria. This alone saves millions of lives every year. The report was commissioned by The League for World Tobacco Growers and Cigaretteers. more Jowell Lambasts 'Scum' Fountain Wreckers Extreme stupidity and foolishness by the British public was to blame for the dramatic closure of the Diana memorial fountain according to Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell. Ms Jowell, who is responsible for the fountain in London’s fashionable Hyde Park, lambasted those who urinated in the water and let dogs ‘conduct their natural business’ in it, calling them, “toothless simpletons” Ms Jowell said: "We accept that there are problems with common scumbags visiting the Royal Parks with their pushchairs, crisps and smelly dogs. I have written to the Prime Minister and informed him of the problem”. "Once these people are sorted out for good, we may be able to attract a much higher clientele to the attraction” Two working class adults and a child were taken to a NHS hospital after falling in the same place on the east side of the source pool. An investigation has been launched and the designers are considering ways to keep riffraff away, one idea is to have a ‘fountain charge’, which will exclude working classes and peasants from approaching the memorial. Jowell said that many of the visitors to the fountain since its opening had been ‘offensive’, "Of the thousands of people who have enjoyed this, a small number of commoners appear to have behaved irresponsibly. Many even bring sandwiches, crisps and chocolate some even converse on cheap mobile telephones”. "This is a place for reflection, light snacks, contemplation and stuff as well as a place for the right people to enjoy bringing their children." Tessa Jowell has been the MP for Dulwich and West Norwood since 1992. According to her biography she was educated. Before her election to Parliament in 1992, Tessa had a career in a charity shop on the Edgware Road. more Most Surfers already too big for their partners - Study. A study released today shows that most net surfers penises are already too big for their partners. The problem, a result of the ever increasing number of "Penis Enlargement, Click here" adverts is particularly serious in countries where Internet penetration is the most widespread and where the English tongue used by the spammers is widely spoken. According to sociologist Hoonz Blardehardar from the Stockholm institute for sex studies, Finland, Denmark and white-collar workers in the UK have been heavily hit. "The problem is that people don't realise that the active agent in the enlargement process is a biochemical intercellular reaction caused by a psychosomatic feedback mechanism in the brain.” In other words, the enlargement happens during the act of clicking. “Many users are thinking they will see a web site selling a product once they are clicking.” Blardehardar explained. “Some are then clicking and clicking and clicking over and over again... The result may only become visible during erection many hours later and for some it's a terrible surprise.” Bardehardar has been working with Millimail technologies, one of the principle spammers to come up with a solution for the marital anguish that may result. "We lost quite a few months at Millimail trying to develop a Penis Shrinkage, click here" ad but it has so far proved to be technically impossible." Millimail development manager Steven Span told BIGfib. "We have, however managed to come up with "Vaginal enlargement, click here" and an "Anal enlargement click here" ads which in beta phase tests have been working well. Oral enlargement, lick here seems possible too.” “People can expect to see these popping up in their mailboxes over the next month or so... But we’ve learnt our lesson… we’ll be adding warnings to these new generation messages only to click once..." more |
It's A Fact! Peanuts were once given to people in lunatic asylums to stop them wetting the bed... hence the name. CONDOM WARNING Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of my was wearing one and got hit by a bus! True or False? Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is crap at geography. PROSTITUTES When a guy pays a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave! Who exploiting who? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's a £1 a minute! A nymphomatic woman - a women who is obsessed with sex as much as the average man! You do realise - that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultry, are now extinct! Apparently cooks waste £73 a year by putting too much cheese on their toast - so Tesco is selling fitted slices that don't dribble into the grill pan - you can always count on TESCO! Now Here's A Thought!Is it just me, or does anybody else snigger when they hear the name of America's First Lady - Laura Bush?Imagine Cilla Black saying it! Ya gotta :) |