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31st July 2004 UK Home Secretary Sides Against Evil In Animal Rights Debate The UK home secretary yesterday put his government clearly on the side of Good by promising to legislate to protect companies and individuals in the UK performing vivisection. “The evil animal rights activists dreadful actions must be punished” he told a BBC audience, “Harassing poor innocent individuals by the sending of emails or rude phone calls just because they happen to have jobs that involve clamping Monkeys into electric chairs and cutting the top off their scalps without anesthetic cannot be tolerated in a free and just society.” “Human rights are at stake here, the right to punch beagles, give electric shocks to cats and dogs, and the right to drip acid into rabbits eyes so that new face creams can be put on the market.” “If, in order to protect fragile minorities such as GlaxoSmithKlein, we have to curtail the basic human rights of certain evil individuals, even if this means removing their freedom to demonstrate or their freedom to complain, then so be it.” more Jacko blames God Michael Jackson has apparently announced a new line in his defence of allegations of child molestation. In a move that is sure to outrage religious zealots the world over, Jacko now claims that God had been giving him instructions from an early age. These orders included altering his facial features and colour, so all people would be able to relate to him. Indeed he claims that his so called moonwalk was his interpretation of God telling him to walk a different path amongst the people. His skin colour change was supposed to enhance his racial harmony theme; of course he insists all these claims are backed by his pop songs such as black and white. In his wildest claim to date he claims that the bible tells him to love children, and he may, he stressed, may have misheard or misconstrued this instruction from the Almighty. His defence lawyer John Cockrane added that it would be wrong to punish one of Gods’ true prophets for a communication breakdown between heaven and the 'shop floor'. It has been rumoured that Cockrane may try and imply that the Devil had a hand in Jacko’s 'hand in the pants incident'. Prosecution attorney Brianna Givings who recently admitted that as she usually dealt with tax fraud, she was finding Jacko a whole new type of fiddling law breaker. Givings is later reported as saying that if he (Jacko) takes the line that God is to blame, we will have no option but to call God as a witness, he (God) will of course be offered immunity from prosecution if he co-operates. This immunity does not cover countries outside the USA and we are aware that Egypt would like to talk to God about a number of its citizens being killed when the red sea parted but that is not the issue here. Charlton Heston has refused to comment. more 29th July 2004 Diana Fountain Fiasco: now "wrong water" blamed Hydrologists advising the Royal Parks Agency, which is responsible for the overall running of the recently opened and closed Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain, have issued a statement blaming the water for a series of embarassing debacles which led to a General Belgrano-style one mile exclusion zone being clamped on the ill-fated water feature in London's Hyde Park. Speaking to the AM News Agency, a Thames Water consultant said: "It was supposed to be crystal clear, sparkling and wet. That's what the taxpayer stumped up three and a half million pounds for, which is roughly the annual turnover for Evian consumption at the late Princess's favourite restaurant the nearby San Lorenzo. "However, it now appears a rival company's water has been used, one which is specifically marketed for its algae-growing capabilities that produce the characteristic slime so beloved by vegans and fans of colonic irrigation. "As a result, the Fountain became the water-feature equivalent of a Petrie-dish, producing a slippery substance that automatically peels off the swimwear from unsuspecting members of the public before growing a culture of their DNA from bodily emissions deposited via the action of ultra violet-light on the water. "Our technicians were managing to keep up with the subsequent filtration adjustments needed to keep the Fountain in good working order when an unexpected pilgrimage from the Franklin Mint Diana Souvenir Fan Club descended on the water-feature after an article in the Christian Science Monitor reported miraculous healing properties attributed to it. "Several of these pilgrims then claimed to have received visions of the late Princess after ritual worship and ablutions, telling them that it was 'Camilla who did it'. A number of them also claimed to have fallen pregnant after imbibing a few mouthfulls, contrary to all medical expectations, triggering some tricky lawsuits. "Our lawyers have thus advised us to close the facility with immediate effect and cut off the supply pool from the neighbouring Buckingham Palace domestic water re-cycling unit." The Royal Parks Agency is advising visitors that they are still welcome to jump into the neighbouring Serpentine to cool off in this heated climate. more Tories ponder bringing back Winston Churchill as leader It has been leaked that senior members of the alleged Conservative Party are considering an innovative solution to reviving the party's ailing fortunes: bringing back Winston Churchill as leader. There is growing dissatisfaction with the performance of the current interim leader of the party, Michael Howard, particularly after what was considered his lacklustre response to the Butler Report, which once again thoroughly vindicated Tony "Teflon" Blair. The idea of reinstating Mr Churchill, who has been dead for almost 40 years, was raised when it was learned that legendary actor Sir Laurence Olivier is to star in a Hollywood fantasy film 15 years after his death. Footage of Olivier from various films has been combined and re-processed to create a character that will be seen in the new film in hologram form. New dialogue was recorded by another actor for Olivier's voice. Olivier was used because according to the studio concerned few other actors possess his authority. Douglas Ramsbottom, a senior Tory strategist, told our reporter that it was the concept of authority that led to their idea. "Let's face it," he said, "Michael does sometimes come across as being about as exciting as a wet rag on a foggy day, whereas Winston was one of the best - if not the best - and most dynamic leaders we've ever had." He said that George Lucas had been approached for his assessment of the feasibility of the idea, given his experience in digitally manipulating and re-mastering old film stock. It appeared that there is enough existing footage featuring Mr Churchill that a convincing virtual leader could indeed be created. It could even be made more appropriate for modern times by, for example, digitally removing Mr Churchill's omnipresent cigar, given that smoking is now generally frowned upon. Indeed, said Mr Ramsbottom, according to Mr Lucas the possibilities are endless, including giving Mr Churchill super powers and making him an expert in the use of light sabres. "However," he added, "we would want to keep things fairly simple for now, and perhaps consider that kind of character development a bit closer to the next election." Iain "Duncan" Smith, the most recent former interim leader of the Conservative Party, said he welcomed the idea and hoped it would come to fruition. "Winston was a great leader," he said, "miles better than Howard, so yah, boo and sucks to him." A spokesman for the government later issued a strong denial that Home Secretary David Blunkett is a hologram. more A Letter to the Bank This is a copy of an actual letter sent by a disgruntled customer Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between him presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by £25 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £10 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be charged at £2.50 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you. The new phone service runs at £1 per minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, day. Yours faithfully more White House Painted Pink by Gay Marriage Activists WASHINGTON, D.C. - Daybreak at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Monday morning revealed a sight that was both applauded and condemned. The most recognised symbol of American government, the seat of the Presidency -- the White House -- has been painted bright pink. A group calling itself Marriage Is For All, or MIFA, has claimed responsibility for the vandalism. "There are 25 known gay senators, 75 known members of the house, and untold numbers of gay and lesbian staffers," the group said in a statement faxed to The Washington Post, "The American government is already very 'pink', so we felt a change of decor was appropriate." Washington officials don't agree. "It's called 'The White House', the color is not up for public comment," said one, shaking his head, examining the rough paint job, "Did they consider what it was going to cost to put this all back in shape? It'll be a government project, we'll probably end up paying $150 a can for the paint, we'll design and manufacture our own paint brushes, and Halliburton will probably end up handling the whole thing. There goes the entire AIDS budget for the next 5 years." "I don't have anything against gays, lesbians, or any other deviants," said President Bush to his traveling press corp, after being briefed on the protest aboard Air Force One, "I want it nailed down exactly what marriage is and what it's not, but that's a legal definition issue, not a sexual orientation one. It's not about prejudice; it's about protection of the marital arrangement. Why can't these whacko's understand that?" Security staff members are being heavily questioned by the FBI, who believes someone on the inside had to assist in order to make such a large project happen overnight. "We know somebody let them in, with their equipment and materials. We estimate the job required fifty people and at least three truckloads of materials. They didn't 'sneak past' anybody, they were let in," said one agent. "I let them in," admitted a guard under condition of anonymity, "And I'd do it again. The Constitution isn't a work in progress, and it shouldn't be used as a tool to restrict freedoms." Attacks on the White House and other Washington area governmental buildings are a felony, punishable by 25 years in prison. "That applies to anyone assisting in the attacks," said FBI Special Agent Joyce Walker, "And regardless of its political nature, this qualifies as an attack. I hope they think it was worth it, because we are going to catch them." "I think it's pretty," said a twelve-year old girl, touring Washington with her family, "White is just so... blah." Story by: David Oatley Internet "Porn Slick" Threatens Thousands One of the world's largest internet porn servers has crashed dramatically, spilling millions of megabytes of hardcore pornography into the world wide web. The resulting "URL slick" has already polluted an area of cyberspace the size of Wrexham, forcing many to flee their homepages and posing a serious threat to surfers, experts say. All attempts so far to stem the flow of crude material from the crippled machine have failed, and many surrounding areas of web space have had to be evacuated as a precaution. Volunteers at Google have already begun searching for survivors, and the Red Cross have started emailing much-needed aid packets to those still trapped online. One survivor told us how she became trapped in a chatroom for over six hours, after it became flooded with anal fisting MPEGS: "I was trapped beneath several hundred hot teen nympho sluts for what seemed like a lifetime" she told us, breathlessly. "Eventually my dial-up connection timed-out and I was able to break free. God only knows what would would have happened had I been on cable - I'd probably still be in there." The environmental cost of the disaster has still to be fully determined, though according to cyber-ecologists several thousand important sites have already been affected and many more are under threat. Hundreds of worms and spiders have also been washed up on the eastern coast of the internet, coated in hot black filth. And, while dozens of volunteer workers have signed on to help clean up the stricken artifical life, the sticky nature of the content means that they are facing an up-hill struggle. Dora Snockers, who runs an offline gopher sanctuary from a second hand Unix box in Ipswich says that even when the victims of the slick have been scrubbed clean of dirty data and nursed back to health, it could be years before it's safe for them to be returned to the wild web - the risk of more unrefined muck "popping up" later on remains a constant threat. She also explained that she was entirely dependant on charitable contributions and would need a lot more cache to look after any more of the slick's victims. An independent investigation has been launched to determine why the disaster happened and, though it's early days, there are already indications that the webmaster had been drinking, and was asleep when content began to leak from an insecure port. more British Mums demand Designer Babies According to fertility expert Dr Ibrahim Hosani there is no longer any justification for withholding the benefits of the latest advances in in vitro fertilisation (IVF) from millions of British women; women who are desperate for the chance of bearing children that will have the stunning good looks, personality and intelligence of top celebrities like Posh Spice and David Beckham. IVF is the process used to conceive a child outside the body. A woman's eggs and a man's sperm are placed together in a plastic dish for fertilisation. Once fertilised, the resulting embryos are placed back in the woman's uterus in the hope that a successful pregnancy will follow. Until now, The UK Human Embryology Association (UKHEA) has restricted the availability of IVF to screening embryos for serious genetic defects such as red hair, short fat legs and greasy skin. But popular TV shows like 'Big Brother' and 'I'm a rich and famous good-looking clever bitch; get me out of here', have fueled the demand for children that have a better than even chance of becoming an A-List celebrity — or possibly getting a walk-on part in East Enders. The clamour from clinically obese, intellectually challenged women on supplementary benefit, who are fed up with having babies who will grow up to work as call-centre operators and marry a plumber from Dagenham called 'Dave' is putting increasing pressure on the UKHEA to make IVF freely available from 1st January 2005. Dr Ibrahim Hosani was enthusiastic about the benefits of a relaxation of the rules when he was interviewed at his clinic in London's fashionable Islington. "Parents are rightfully demanding IVF and genetic screening to create babies who will grow up to be rich, good-looking and famous. We now have the technology to completely eliminate undesirable genetic traits such as small breasts, underarm hair and male baldness. Do we really want to consign our children to lives of obscurity, low pay and expensive cosmetic surgery when they could grow up to be Posh and Becks — or even Tony Blair? The UKHEA is expected to bow to public pressure and the representations of leading specialists like Dr Hosani to bring UK policy in line with the United States, where parents have long been able to choose from a wide selection of 'baby styles' at Wallmart stores. As Dr Hosani was quick to point out, the free availability of IVF in America has all but eradicated the genetic weaknesses which plague the UK and produced such outstanding individuals as The Olsen Twins, Eminem and George W Bush. "If it's OK for America it's got to be good for us." more Military chiefs hide weapons from Blair Britain’s military top brass were behind the massive defence cuts announced by the Government. And in an astonishing outburst Major General Howard Crosswell, Chief of Staff, said: “The Prime Minister has used the armed forces as though they were his personal toys. We’ve taken them away from him and he deserves a smack.” Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon’s supposed cuts covered the Army, Navy and Air Force and immediately drew criticism for destroying the UK’s military tradition, as well displaying a callous attitude to those serving in war-ravaged Iraq. But now it emerges that the targeted soldiers, ships and squadrons are simply being hidden from the Labour Government in secret locations across the globe with Prime Minister Tony Blair being forced to say he no longer needed a full-strength capability. Two destroyers and three frigates have reportedly been repainted and are now anchored off a whaling station near the Shetland Islands where they are operating as hotels, casinos and restaurants for locals and the crews of factory ships. And three squadrons of Tornados were last seen in rapid descent over an airstrip on one of the most westerly islands in the Maldives. Military sources say the Butler Report into the case for war with Iraq was the last straw for brassed-off top brass. The report showed intelligence to be unreliable and, at times, tailored, to strengthen Blair’s arguments for a pre-emptive strike against Saddam Hussein. Major Crosswell said: “The British armed forces are amongst the best in the world and not to be used on a whim or for political expediency, so we’ve hidden all we can from the Prime Minister. “These elements of our forces, whether they are Army, Navy or Air Force, will resume duties when the Government promises to start behaving itself. “We will only bring them out of hiding at the behest of Her Majesty The Queen, and if it is in the national interest. “Under this Government we have been forced to man fire engines during a time of industrial action, cremate cattle during the foot and mouth epidemic, and fight a war that didn’t need fighting. “We are not toy soldiers but, since we are being treated as such, we have gone back into our toy box and will not come out until Mr Blair says sorry.” more A. Darling Gives Traffic Chaos The Thumbs Up Recently de-bearded Transport Secretary, Alister Darling, 29, today put forward his proposals to gridlock Britain and create traffic chaos within five years. The plan (Darling's first since leaving school) has been hailed as nothing short of miraculous by Labour's front bench. The Secretary for transport has long held a grudge against criminal and wanton internal combustion engine misuse, and is widely seen as keen to punish the minority group of people who insist on using vehicles for everyday non-medical emergency use. "My plan is bold, simple, and courageous. I will take on the little guy and win" Darling (nee Treasure) told the enthralled commons audience. "Step One will involve the removal of tarmac from all non-essential roads. This will include some motorways, for not only are these wide roads boring, they encourage law breaking speeders to do just that. The M25 will be kept intact; but reduced to one lane of tarmac, one lane of cobbles, and one lane of non-biological dirt, for non-emergency use. Step Two will see the re-introduction of The Red Flag Act, that was wisely invented by my great Great Great Great grandfather, Hillary Gorgeous Darling-Love. Primarily for use in low built-up areas, it will also be operated at my discretion throughout the kingdom when i feel the people have gone far enough. Another positive by-product of this bold initiative will be the creation of work for thousands of civil servants, mainly as flag holders walking in front of vehicles to govern excess speed, but also in flag production, of which my second cousin, Henry Real-Darling, has put in an extremely competitive tender. Step Three will rationalise all non-essential and frivolous routes. The A303 running through Dorset, Wiltshire and Devon will be reduced to a bus lane. Members of the public must be educated in the use of public transport for holiday travel. The A40 will surrender one side of its carriageway to Heathrow for extra runway space. The other side will become a bus lane. Further roads revisions will be revealed in due time. In step four, my department, that i run, will give my old department that i used to run, The Treasury, a lot of spare motorists' cash. I will clamp down on greedy vehicular operators: making them think twice before setting out in the steel monster. Fuel duty will be increased by introducing a triple-bypass escalator. This will triple the amount of fuel escalation that my ex-department, of which i was the boss, receives. Car tax will be raised to a fair, and some would say prudent limit, never being higher than 20% of the drivers take home pay, or half-banked savings. Whichever is the greater. Step Five will pave the way towards total road nirvana. Toll booths will be set up at every remaining second right-hand turn, where a fee will be extracted. This will prevent criminals from driving without paying, unless they go round in circles. The state-of-the-state booths will be operated by remote satellite controlled robots, which my son has been working on." To tumultuous applause, Darling took his seat, and left with it, heading to the subsidised commons bar where he began telling fellow regular Luddites how he was going to learn the soft southerners. more George Bush and the White House: Maybe It Was Iran, After All The White House admitted today that it may have been mistaken about the fact that Iraq had anything to do with the September 11 Attacks on New York, Washington, D.C. or the downing of United Airlines Flight 93 in Pennsylvania. In addition, the Administration conceded that Iraq did not represent an “ongoing threat” nor did it shelter Al Qaida fighters. They do however offer an explanation for the lapse. An unnamed White House source, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “It was a simple mix-up really. We knew that all the information we gathered, you know, the atomic weapons program, aiding Terrorists, all of that stuff was actually true. We also knew that it was an “I” country, either Iran or Iraq. We took a shot at Iraq, basically because that’s who we wanted it to be. So it was actually Iran, but what the hell. It keeps the old Middle East threat pot bubbling along. And if we make it through to November without getting scalped at the Polls on election day we have four more years to, shall we say, increase our grip in the region?” Just as the Bush Administration was successful at linking Saddam Hussein with the 9/11 attacks in the American people’s imagination, spin doctors in the West Wing are busily creating a scenario that links two of the regions most implacable enemies, Iran and Iraq, as co-conspirators against the United States. The hope is that by proving that Iran posed the greater threat now Washington can legitimise it’s attacking Iraq then, or something like that. The source speaking on the condition of more anonymity continued, “It’s convoluted I know, but hey, you work with what you got. Here’s how it goes: it’s lucky that we were wrong about Iraq and invaded them because now we own Iraq and Afghanistan that means we have two countries that share a thousand miles of border with the real enemy- Iran. Pretty smart of us, huh? Yeah, and it’s the Iranians that are causing all the insurgency trouble we’re having in Iraq so by invading Iran we can make everything all better. Of course, we could also be talking about starting World War III, but we think it’s worth a gamble.” more World Even More Fucked Up Than You Thought, Studies Reveal A scientific analysis of literally thousands of recent government and university studies reveals that the world is even more fucked up than you thought. The studies demonstrate that most people are dishonest, lazy, and have at least one body part in dire need of better hygiene. Just under half of all people are stupid, approximately a quarter suffer from undiagnosed mental illnesses, and roughly four in ten enjoy disgusting sexual fantasies on a daily basis. Organisations fare no better than individuals in the studies, beginning with the world's companies, which squander billions of pounds annually on luxurious perks for executives and Internet porn for everybody else. Governments at all levels waste even more money, primarily on Internet porn-blocking software and worthless studies that are highly critical of comercial companies. Meanwhile, religious organisations waste less money than companies or governments but are responsible for the majority of the world's violence and child molestation. The most disturbing findings, however, center on the world's Internet users, who spend inordinate amounts of time surfing worthless crap on the web while touching themselves inappropriately through their clothing. On the bright side, the studies reveal that business is booming for handbasket manufacturers worldwide and for estate agents in hell. more Tony Blair's Wife Says He's a "Complete Failure" It seems British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has finally cracked under the strain of trying to justify his sexing up of the reasons to invade Iraq by claiming Saddam Hussein could have wiped out the world within 45 minutes, after he was seen leaving a Harley Street psychiatric clinic yesterday. Now that every square inch of Iraq has been scoured for Saddam’s mythical weapons of mass destruction and all that’s been found resembling WMD are the unexploded ordinances of the invading powers, pressure on Blair to vacate what was once a respected office, is now more than even he can combat. Pathetic attempts to justify the invasion of Iraq by claiming, “Well the world is a better place without Saddam and he had missiles which exceeded the UN distance regulation by a few hundred yards, are astounding and poses the question, " Was it OK to have missiles that could only be fired on his own people?" But more bad news for Tony, Cherie Blair has gone public regarding her dissatisfaction with her sex life and threatened that if he doesn’t put in the same effort as he does in satisfying his relationship with George W. Bush, she may be tempted to seek her pleasures elsewhere. She confided in a Daily Mirror reporter, who didn’t want to be named, “I don’t know if the fat salary and gigantic pension benefits Tony and I are getting compensate for the life of chastity I’ve been living since Tony became under the spell of George Bush. Do you know, I’ve been buying sexy negligees, all manner of sex toys and playing romantic music when he eventually comes home at night, all to no avail?”. “It’s terribly frustrating because I daren’t call a male escort agency as it would be all over the papers in no time. I’ve even bared my soul to Jack Straw’s wife and asked her if she gets any more than I do but it was the same story, Jack hadn’t been near her for months”. “It’s not as if I’m an unattractive woman. I always get wolf whistles from the other judges and sometimes from the defendants too when I’m presiding over a court case and I don’t mind saying I feel flattered but if this goes on much longer I’m afraid I’ll go off the rails. more Oxford English Dictionary To Update The Word 'Whitewash' A spokesperson for Oxford English Dictionary has allegedly announced that it is to update the word ‘whitewash’ to that of a more contemporary meaning. The reason expressed for this unprecedented move is because in the wake of outcomes of both the ‘Hutton’ report and the most recent ‘Butler’ report, it had noticed an increase in the use of the ‘w’ word. This use was noted to be predominately made by dissatisfied anti-war parties mainly consisting of dss scrounging socialists, unstable communist dabbling students, blinker eyed far-left wingers old enough to know better and left-wing press, belonging to parties such as CPGB, Liberal Democrats, and R.E.S.P.E.C.T who’s leaders include Saddam sycophant George ‘Sir, I salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability’ Galloway and Tony ‘what’s your favourite colour Saddam’ Ben. The spokesperson speaking from anonymity who wanted to be known only as source ‘A’ commented “we had noticed that these specific people would argue that orange is really black if it was to help them justify why a man responsible for the deaths of 1.26 million Iraqis and other Arabs, and for the creation of 4.54 million refugees should have stayed in power. And how Veto nations should have been allowed to continue striking up oil deals and exporting arms to this man if the sanctions were brought down”. “And it was this that made us feel after a brief thought out discussion that a more contemporary change in the meaning of the word was nothing short of fitting under the present circumstances”. Meanwhile in another relevant development, left-wing protestors holding up ‘Bliar’ and ‘No-war’ placards on a ‘weekday’ outside parliament have called for another enquiry into the enquiry because it did not give them the conclusions that they were all hoping for. A whitewash official for the group said “we will keep calling for enquiries at the tax payers expense for all eternity until we get the result we want, even if that means re-writing history, facts or stamping our feet crossing our arms and dropping our bottom lip”. “The fact that Tony Blair did not even say as much as sorry is most upsetting to us” they waffled on. more New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force So, imagine this: you're sitting quietly in a pub one afternoon, perhaps reading the paper or having a spot of lunch, when suddenly you feel this almighty thud across the back of your skull. Thwack! All the lights go out and it's goodnight Vienna. Next thing you know, you're sitting in a police car by the side of the M5, eating chips out of a bag and listening to the football on the radio. Sound unlikely? Well that's exactly what happened last year to an increasing number unsuspecting civilians throughout the UK who found themselves press-ganged into joining the police force. Of course, the police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment. They have always been able to rely on certain groups within society to produce suitably eager recruits. For instance, the socially or intellectually inept are traditionally enticed into the force by the prospect of exercising the kind of authority that they would be too effete and ineffectual to wield in civilian life. The criminal fraternity are also attracted to the profession, as it offers countless opportunities for extortion, blackmail and fraud without the attendant risks of being on the 'wrong side' of the law. Then there's the boots and the shiny helmets - the very thing for the insecure neo-Nazi who wishes to compensate for his lack of identity by immersing himself within a paramilitary organisation. And let us not forget that the police can also offer opportunities for the many witless retards who are much too slow to secure useful employment in real jobs. more Michael Jackson's Umbrella Holder fired CNN Breaking News -- Kenneth Jenkins of Santa Barbara was officially let go as the official umbrella holder for pop star Michael Jackson. Attorneys for the singer say, "Do not Panic. This move will not harm Mr Jackson in any way. Mr Jackson has multiple redundant umbrella holders in reserve. Mr Jackson will be protected from the sun, the rain and the elements." Reporters spoke with one of the backup holders .. "I hate to see Kenneth go. He was a good umbrella holder, one of the best in the business. They say he even did part-time work for Jack Nicholson during the rainy season. I think he simply made a tragic mistake yesterday, twirling the umbrella clockwise when Mr Jackson was obviously in a counter clockwise sort of mood". Google defines "Umbrella Holder" as .. Your search - "umbrella holder" - did not match any documents. No pages were found containing "umbrella holder". Michael Jackson defines Umbrella Holder as .. "One who holds my umbrella". CNN learned moments ago that Jackson's rose bearers have also been given notices of suspension. Although not visible during public appearances with Jackson, the rose bearers have been an integral, secret part of his life for years. "Basically", Vogue editors say, "rose bearers walk behind Jackson and throw rose petals at his feet in honor of his royal, divine lordship of all that is". Kenneth Jenkins told CNN, "I have no hard feelings. Mr Jackson did what he thought was best for himself and the entire Jackson corporation. He gave me ample severance IOU's and promised he'd look me up if he ever needed a rickshaw puller or a grape feeder. Those folks that feed Mr Jackson grapes make big money I hear. Not as much as the ones that fan him with the giant banana tree leaves but there are so many job opportunities there at the ranch." All major networks promise to interrupt any broadcasts that may be in progress the moment Mr Jackson's new Official Umbrella Holder is selected. more Berry Pickers Face a Price Tag on their Painful Punnets Hospital staff in Scotland are gearing up for their busiest time of the year – berrying. But the hordes who hit the Highland hills now face being hit in the pocket. This historic tradition sees parents, usually with young children, heading into the countryside, armed to the teeth with Tupperware, to be cheerfully ripped to shreds in search of raspberries and brambles. For hundreds of years, Scots have paid this heavy price to gather the fruit for their jam. Blood is always shed, clothes are snared, eyeballs are scratched and sometimes entire families are separated for months by miles of thorn. All for a punnet of berries. Now Scotland’s First Minister, Jack McConnell, has called time on the berry-pickers and is set to impose charges of up to £1,000 for every single one hospitalised. “In areas like Perthshire, August and September can see casualty departments stowed to the gunnels with injured berry pickers,” said Mr McConnell. “They sit there, oozing blood and berry juice all over the floors while ordinary people who have fallen off mountains, or children with their heads stuck in pots, are forced to wait to see a doctor. “This is selfish behaviour and it has to stop; we’re no longer going to pick up the bill for this seasonal epidemic of wanton self-wounding.” Now accident and emergency departments have been briefed to check for soft fruit stains and all admissions will be required to show their tongues before any attempt is made to remove embedded thorns or stitch up gashes or dangly bits of flesh. The victims, if still conscious, will be required to sign a form guaranteeing the full payment of any treatment. But the fines haven’t met with approval everywhere. Ruby McFarlane, Chairwoman of the Fife and Tayside Domestic Jam Industries Circle, said: “Berry picking is as much a tradition as Hogmanay in Scotland and these new penalties reek of someone out of touch with ordinary people. “Generations of Scots have trampled the heather for the fruit and it’s taken its toll – I’ve lost two husbands and a sister to the berrying. "But we all know jam doesn't taste like jam unless there’s some of the bairns’ blood in it.” more Tesco Announces End to Freshness Tesco announced today that from next Monday it will no longer keep up the pretence of selling fresh items. Traditionally, food sold in the UK's largest retailer was no more than 24 hours past its sell-by date - but in a move that is bound to see sparks flying amongst its profit-mongering peers, the company now plans to extend that deadline. A senior spokesmanagement-trainee-cashier, Penelopy Chesthike said: "We feel there is a market out there for stale doughnuts, bread that remains hard no matter how long you microwave it for, and rubbishy mouldy mushrooms. We believe we can lengthen the shelf life of fresh fruit, vegetables, fish, and meat products, by substituting the word 'Fresh' for 'Real'. Our aim is to bring to market real produce, none of which is any more than 72 hours past its original sell date. By extending the date backwards we can advance its life without penalty. We also have plans to extend our world famous 'Value Range'. Currently we sell 'Value Rice' that has been swept up off the floor by our under-age Vietnamese workers; we will be using these same grateful slaves to harvest low-grade pig fat as a butter substitute, and to add more water and remove excess noodles from our Value Pot Noodle range. Value Tea Bags, previously made from a high grade paper-pulp, will now be made from an environmentally friendly cardboard and loose wood chip mix. The tea content will remain the same, but there will be less of it. Value pies will still use the same low-grade gristle and reconstituted bone as before, but contain a special man-made mineral-animal based rubber latex wool. Not only will this help extend the shelf life, it will give the contents less of a smell and be easier to chew." In what is seen as a positive reaction to New Labours pledge to tackle obesity, the food giant says it has plans to single-handedly wean the public off expensive, fattening, and addictively tasty food, by going for expensive, fattening, stale and tasteless food. Ms Chesthike went on, "The overall aim is to increase the value of management share options." Elsewhere things are set to remain the same, with staff instructed to inanely ask customers with a loaf of bread and two cans of beans if they require help packing - when clearly no staff are available as cues remain four deep. more Blair’s Babes say ‘Baby please don’t go’ Tony Blair’s fanatical female following within the Labour Party is begging him to stay on as leader. The so-called ‘Blair’s Babes’, headed by Margaret Hodge (Barking) and Hazel Blears (Stark-Staring), gathered outside Downing Street this morning in a colourful display of patriotic support. Only ‘Grumpy’ Glenda Jackson was missing from the razzamatazz. The mood within the ranks was one of fiery determination that the beleaguered Blair should be protected by the Party faithful as each and every one of them was indebted to him. “Without Tony, we wouldn’t have the strong female representation within Labour’s ranks that we do,” said one. “In fact, without Tony, we wouldn’t have a job. “He has changed the face of British politics and more women than ever are penetrating the now-perfumed portals of Parliament.” Meanwhile, Glenda Jackson appears to have been ostracised by her colleagues for underplaying the role of women and concentrating on such ‘trivia’ as the war in Iraq. Her calls for Blair to resign have sparked accusations that because of her thespian triumphs she doesn’t need the profile, pay or pension that goes with being an MP. “All we hear about is Iraq, Iraq, Iraq,” said one disgruntled female Member. “If it’s not Iraq this or Iraq that, then it is Iraq something else. “I mean, let’s move on. “Tony’s critics are saying he’s the first PM to go to go to war purely on intelligence reports, the first to put a political spin on the reasons for going to war, and the first to actually invent reasons for going to war. “That’s three firsts – that’s not a cause for criticism, that’s a cause for celebration in our books.” more Anal scourge sweeps Britain! An epidemic of buggery is sweeping this country. According to the latest statistics, more than 69% of women admit to having gained their 'brown wings', and three out of ten say they accept regular deliveries via the tradesman's entrance. Gaining your 'brown wings' is now seen as more important to fashionable young women than losing their 'cherries'. But taking a stroll down 'Bourneville Boulevard' is no longer the preserve of the young and dissolute. 'Fudge Packing', it seems, has come out of the closet and entered the bedroom to become the sexual equivalent of designer chocolate; if you're not regularly potting the brown you're snookered. Why are so many British women bending over backwards to take it up the bum? According to Dr Marit Sigmundsdottir, the world-famous Icelandic trisexual therapist, the answer is simple: "Pussy envy. Most men have willies the size of a cocktail sausage and cannot get any satisfaction from using the front door. The position for women is quite different. We do not need to be bowled from the pavilion end to get our rocks off." Dr Sigmundsdottir made her position very clear when she spoke at 'Erotizone 2004' - the 69th World Congress on trisexual therapeutics, held at the exclusive Chinghis Khaan Hotel, in Ulan Bator last week: "If Nature had intended women to accept deliveries via the tradesman's entrance she would have given it a wider door and oiled the hinges. If we do not nip this disgusting practice in the bud, we can expect an epidemic of disease to sweep this country that will make vaginal thrush seem like nappy rash." Recent medical evidence suggests that she may very well be right. British GP's are seeing an unprecedented upsurge in the number of women complaining of chronic constipation, 'chocolate tummy', piles, 'ring sting' and flatulence. One anonymous Doctor told us that the problem has got so bad that many of her patients are afraid to speak out for fear of being branded "chocolate virgins". She went on to say that: "Your Readers should not be in any doubt at the pressure predatory men are putting upon women to stretch to fudge packing." Gloria Von Hinterntür, a leading US feminist, put it even more strongly: "As usual, it is men who are at the bottom of this evil plot to undermine the very foundation of our femininity. Not content with buggering each other, they now want to dock their loathsome schooners in our windward passages! It's all very well for them - after all, the Good Lord did not bless them with their full compliment of orifices - so they have to make the best of a bad job; but we women have an inner sanctum specially designed to admit the votary of Venus. The back door is dirty, cramped and smelly, and designed for putting out the trash - not taking it in." Other sources we consulted painted a grim picture of a country in the grip of an unstoppable tide of 'chocolate speedway riding.' "Everyone's doing it," said Kelly, a seventeen-year-old secretary from Romford. "If you haven't got your brown wings you're, like, so yesterday, know what I mean?" Kay, it hurt a bit the first time my b/f did it and I always cry a lot afterwards; but hey, that's a small price to pay for his love, right?" Sharon, a forty-three-year old mother of five from Chipping Sodbury, was sanguine about her first trip down Chocolate alley: "Gerald gave me a simple choice; either I took it up the bum like a man, as he put it, or he would walk out on me and the kids. The pain wasn't the worst part; it was when he insisted I give him head afterwards. But what can I do? He's my husband and I love him!" Mandy, twenty-nine, from Bowling Hollow, Essex, was bitter about her experience of uphill gardening: "I started regular fudge packing five years ago. Now I have to wear a butt plug all the time to stop myself leaking. I'm so stretched I have terrible gas. What with the thrush and the piles I hardly go out anymore and the doctor says I'll have to wear plastic knickers for the rest of my life. Gaining my chocolate wings has ruined my life completely." Dr Sigmundsdottir told us these experiences are typical of the hundreds of women who have wrecked their health by surfing the marmite highway. The UK Association for Young Mothers is convinced that the male-dominated Porn industry is behind the epidemic that is sweeping the bedrooms and alleyways of this country. "Make no mistake," said Dr Sigmundsdottir, "chocolate speedway riding is the single biggest threat facing women today. If we do not shut the door on this disgusting practice, we are leaving ourselves wide open to a whole range of diseases. Cadbury alley was never intended for fudge packing. The muscles of the chocolate starfish have to be forced open to admit the marmite driller. If the brute then discharges his cannon into your bomb bay, his love juice will attack the delicate lining. The result is ring sting, chronic flatulence and leakage. What's worse, legions of filthy bacteria and viruses will hitch a ride on his odious tool, and invade your body. Women who invite the chocolate chimney sweep into the tradesman's entrance will quickly find themselves at the bottom of a slippery slope that leads to disease, infertility and an early grave." more Fish turning British Men Gay says study The authors of the controversial report, published today by NAFF (National Association of Fish Fanciers), surveyed approximately 151,357 British males between the ages of sixteen and fifty-two who regularly ate fish-based products. Over two thirds of the men exhibited marked female characteristics such as periodic moodiness, low self-esteem and increased sensitivity to personal criticism. 66% admitted to indecisiveness and obsessive concern about their appearance, while more than three-quarters said they were very worried about their weight and broke down in tears if their authority was questioned. The report has been given the seal of approval by the Ministry of Health who admitted that the findings had 'serious implications for future generations because anything more than a moderate change in a man's sexual organs makes it much harder to reproduce.' Their fears were echoed by one anonymous Sales Manager from Romford, who took time out from trying on his wife's underwear to talk to us. "I knew something was up when I started having multiple orgasms every time I turned on the water jets in the Jacuzzi." His tragic story is not unusual. More than a third of the men surveyed had experienced a 57% increase in the size of their breasts, ninety-eight had begun lactating, and 9,463 had bought panty-liners. Of the remainder, over half were involved in long-term homosexual relationships, or had started hanging around in public toilets. "There is sufficient evidence of harm that the Goverment is considering restricting sales of fish and fish-products to women in order to control this devastating threat to male sexuality," commented Dr Andrew Dabb, the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency. The agency, which monitors environmental pollution throughout the UK, said the sex changes were the result of fish being exposed to treated sewage which contained high levels of female hormones as a result of women taking the contraceptive pill. The irony of the situation was not lost on the good doctor who added bitterly: "We invented the fucking pill so we could have a whale of a time shagging women with impunity but now the bloody things are all over the place we're in danger of becoming infertile!" "Sounds like a case of cod moving in a mysterious way to us," we commented. "Very funny," retorted the doctor. "You'll be laughing on the other side of your face when every bloke is hung like a gerbil and can only get it up once a month to fire off a few blanks into his wife's panties."more Hussein attorneys claim he's insane Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity. "I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham." Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84. Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001. But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda." McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people killed. Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times. "This is all theatre. The real criminal is Bush," a defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer. "Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?" concluded the wacky Iraqi madman. more Despite sporting success, Australia remains godforsaken rock in arse end of planet Geographers at the University of Leeds yesterday confirmed that Australia was still in the same place geographically. After extensive research and collaboration with colleagues in the university's physical education department a spokesman stated that the recent success of Australian sportsmen and women in rugby, cricket, athletics and swimming amongst other disciplines had produced nothing which could be deemed a seismic shift in the country's location. "Australia remains a large island in the southern hemisphere" said the spokesman, 'it's position can best be expressed, geographically speaking, as 'miles from anywhere, except New zealand' which pretty much amounts to the same thing. more Footballer's wife wins case The ex-wife of Arsenal and England star footballer has won her legal fight at the Court of Appeal. The ruling guaranteed Karen Parlour a third of his future income. Ms Parlour's lawyer had argued she rescued his career and was entitled to more of his £1.2m-a-year income. In a bizarre twist the judge also appointed Ms Parlour to assistant coach along side Arsenal's current manager Arsene Wenger. The judgement recognised her input into Mr. Parlour's career and has moved to strengthen the ties and ensure Ms. Palour has a say in all future training schedules, match tactics and substitutions. Mr Palour's lawyer described the move as 'moronic and downright stupid'. Ms Parlour's lawyer later described her reaction to the judgement as 'fair, if not a little disappointing'. This is not the first case of a strange sentence being set down by a judge regarding football players. In 2002 England star Paul Gascoinge's wife Cheryl was awared full control over her estranged husband's contract and transfer dealings.. Moving swiftly after the judgement Ms Gascoigne set up the transfer former husband to a minor league club team in the heart of rural China. This case has set a new precedence in British law with many men rushing to their local solicitors to protect themselves against any future settlements. Commentators have warned of a wave of bizarre new rulings being set down by the courts. Professor Edward Clyde of the University of Birmingham warned, 'This is a new age in justice as we know it.' 'It is quite possible that Tony Blair's childhood sweetheart could claim to have been a major contributor in his rise to the top and secure a share of the Prime Ministership.' Gordon Brown is said to be studying the case closely and considering his next move. Ms Parlour's first move as assistant coach at Arsenal was to offer a new lucrative 10 year contract to Mr Parlour. He graciously accepted. more Labour Party reveals a higher calling The Government is attempting to outlaw religious hatred in the UK by making the Labour Party the country’s only legal faith. Home Secretary David Blunkett announced the plans to a stunned House of Commons, claiming it was the only sensible way to heal the divisions in society that have appeared since the US/UK Coalition’s ‘war on terrorism’. While other parties claim it is merely a ploy to revive Labour’s fortunes and ensure another term in office, Mr Blunkett said he was sending a clear message to the British people. “You are either with the Labour Church or a criminal,” he said. “It’s that simple. Become a believer or go to jail.” The new Church will be based loosely around the existing Governmental structure and, in a bid to appease all existing religions, will not commit to any higher divine force but will be united behind Prime Minister Tony Blair’s self-penned slogan: “My faith, your faith, our faith.” The Labour Church hierarchy, likewise, will be neutral. The most bizarre Cabinet reshuffle ever will see Blair adopt the title ‘Grand Warrior for Truth and Enlightenment’. Chancellor Gordon Brown becomes ‘Supermintman’, Blunkett assumes the title ‘Lord Dragoncatcher & Serpentslayer’, Foreign Secretary Jack Straw becomes ‘Emissary of the Force’ and Deputy Prime Minister John ‘Heidi Pies’ Prescott has chosen ‘The Annihilator’ as his preferred title. more Panic buying as Birds Eye cleans up its range Frozen food manufacturer Birds Eye has started a wave of panic buying on the UK’s high streets after revealing that it was embarking on a £4m exercise to remove all additives from its products. Shoppers are loading up their freezers with E-packed burgers and fish fingers in sheer terror at going ‘cold turkey’ and facing additive free meals. While the company is committing £25m to persuade shoppers, at a time when the nation is struggling against declining health and expanding waistlines, that this is a sensible and healthy move, it seems Britain just loves its additives. “They say they are replacing all these things with Rosemary extract,” said mum-of-two Rhona Harrison, of Dagenham. “That’s disgusting. Who the hell is Rosemary?” “We’ve got e-mail, why can’t we have E-burgers?” Mrs Harrison, like hundreds of other housewives, snapped up every Birds Eye product available at her local supermarket. And with sell-by dates well into the next decade, she just hopes she has enough to keep her children satisfied. “I don’t know how the kids will react when they come off the E numbers,” she said. “It’s all they’ve ever known.” If the health benefits are proved, police have confirmed that ‘Captain Birdseye’ could face prosecution for years of enticing healthy children out to sea and to eat additive-laden fish fingers, as well as being party to one of the most annoying advertising jingles in living memory. Footnote: White fish is free from all food-additives when it is landed at UK ports and only contains natural traces of oil pollution, radiation and human sewage. more Government to Ban Snacking The Government today announced measures to ban snacking, a spokesman said, "too many of you lazy people are getting fat and between meals snacking is a prime culprit". Evidence from the Statistical Office suggests that the average Briton eats between 3 and 4 kilo's of junk food a day and a banana every six weeks, five weeks if they're middle class. Combination locks on frige doors and food cupboards will be introduced, and individuals will have to phone a government helpline to get permission to remove a carefully weighed portion of food and the entry code for the doors. A pilot scheme will run from August this year on MP's themselves. In reaction, both Nicholas Soames MP and Boris Johnson MP were too tearful to comment. John Prescott, who last year ate a large pig, followed by 17kg of sherry trifle, seems the only dissenting voice within the Labour benches. more Iraqi WMD may have a cloaking device The PM, Tony Blair, has briefed reporters on the possibility that the, as yet, undiscovered Iraqi weapons of mass destruction may have some kind of effective cloaking device. Mr Blair, who has never given up on the idea that Iraq did have such weapons, told a packed press conference that the US military had been working on cloaking devices and believed they were feasible in the long term. He said: "We have spoken time and again of the dangers posed by Iraqi scientists and the Iraqi military machine, it's perfectly possible that they were in advance of the American's multi-billion dollar teams in this area." Blair also pointed at precedents for cloaking devices in science-fiction and recent James Bond films declaring: "Science fiction, no matter how outlandish it seems, can often become science fact, we should be extra vigilant against all possibilities, we must establish where these WMDs are." When asked by reporters if he could be wrong about Iraq having had WMDs, Tony Blair said: "You know, this is a question that haunts me now and will continue to haunt me until such time as they are found. But let there be no doubt, these weapons did exist, I know they did." When pressed by reporters how he could have been so sure, the PM made an astonishing revelation saying: "Well, since you continue to push me on this issue I can tell you that I have seen them, I saw them in a dream. But let me say this..." He went on: "It was no ordinary dream, it was a clear message from God. Although I am now starting to accept that I am probably the only person in the entire world that believes WMD will be found in Iraq." Blair left journalists with a number of photos, taken at the time of the war, which, he claimed, showed invisible weaponry. more Henman muses career change Crap tennis player Tim Henman today began a City and Guilds course in Plumbing after announcing his retirement from tennis. Long time friend of Cliff Richard and completely useless twat, Henman finally decided to "rest his balls" so to speak after his latest and entirely predictable humiliating defeat at the hands of an unseeded but substantially more able opponent. As he arrived at the Tottenham Centre for Tertiary education he said that he was looking forward to developing new skills and being able to help people instead of emerging into their consciousness once a year only to provide them with bitter disappointment t when his inability to actually play tennis gets in the way of his championship hopes. Marketing executives at the soap powder company who sponsors Henman appear to have moved on already, when asked about whether they would continue to provide financial backing to the abject failure, they simply replied "Who". Billie Jean King was quoted as saying “ If he is as good at plumbing as he is at tennis I don’t ever want that imbecile anywhere near my boiler” when she heard the news. In the quarter finals at Wimbledon this year Henman was beaten in straight sets by a discarded fondue set. more Lipton-ice tea begin biannual failed UK marketing campaign The marketing department of Unilever UK today began the company's biannual drive to establish the Lipton-ice Tea brand in the UK. The drive has previously failed abjectly in 2002, 2000, 1998 and executives in the UK have little confidence that it will succeed this year. Natalie Harris, brand manager of the product told Campaign Magazine, "Lipton Ice Tea is less popular in the UK than Rola Cola but the pig-headed stupidity of corporate marketing demands that a successful soft-drink brand in the US can be made to work everywhere-else in the world. To be honest we've made fuck-all effort with this campaign, the TV ads are breathtakingly poor, to the point of actually having a negative effect on a brand with almost zero sales." Asked if she felt failure to establish Lipton Ice as a UK brand would affect her career, Harris replied, "What career? This product is the kiss of death for any marketeer. If God himself told the Pope to switch Iced Tea for wine in the communion we couldn't shift this piss in Britain." more Fly-on-the-wall documentary based in secondary school forced to go out after watershed Producers of the new BBC show St. Harry's, set in the Croydon comprehensive school of the same name, have lost an appeal to the Broadcasting Standards Commission for the programme to be shown in a prime-time 8pm slot. Director Jerzy Coen said, "It's a great shame that a compelling show like this one, which lifts the lid on what it's like to be a child in today's education system will now be forced to go out to a minority audience." The Commission was not for turning however stating in it's report that the show contained 'numerous references to drugs, images of drug taking, a 'litany' of expletives, some previously unknown to the commission, and a number of graphic sexual scenes.' As such a spokesman for the BSC said: "It is our view that no episode of 'St. Harry's' is suitable for viewing by children." more Gillette Recalls M3 Razors Gillette Corporation has issued a recall of their new 'M3 Power' razor after several mishaps and one major accident. The major accident involved a Nebraska man with an unusually large nose, according to company spokesperson Dwayne Shiddle; "The man had just purchased the M3 razor and was beginning to use it for the first time. The M3 uses a battery in the handle that vibrates the razor in order to lift facial hairs for a smoother, closer shave. Some of the early models have malfunctioned and vibrated at much too high a rate. This particular model did just that, and the resulting vibrations acted as some sort of propulsion, and the razor climbed up the mans nose and shaved his brain. While the man was thankfully not killed, he lost a good portion of his brain function and now can only clap his hands together and bark like a seal. While we at Gillette feel terrible about this, the M3 razor was still functioning when surgeons removed it. I think that says a lot about Gillette Quality!" Several other mishaps have been reported, including dozens by women who may have been using the vibrating razor in an improper manner. "The razor's vibrating handle was designed to be held in one's hand not stuck in places it doesn't belong, and that's as far as I'm going to comment on that," said Shiddle. A major redesign is scheduled for the M3, and word is that the name will be changed to 'M5' with the subsequent addition of two more blades, one more than the Schick Quattro. According to Shiddle: "We have designs for low level nuclear powered razors with up to 25 blades. If Schick wants to play blade one-upsmanship, we at Gillette say 'bring it on'! Additionally, in order to prevent accidental brain shavings, a wider blade and vibration damper control will be part of the new design." "And... last but not least", sighed Shiddle, "we have incorporated a much wider, longer handle with raised pleasure ribs and a special handle lubricant ...for those who continue to insist on misusing the product." more |
It's A Fact! Peanuts were once given to people in lunatic asylums to stop them wetting the bed... hence the name. CONDOM WARNING Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of my was wearing one and got hit by a bus! True or False? Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is crap at geography. PROSTITUTES When a guy pays a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave! Who exploiting who? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's a £1 a minute! A nymphomatic woman - a women who is obsessed with sex as much as the average man! You do realise - that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultry, are now extinct! Apparently cooks waste £73 a year by putting too much cheese on their toast - so Tesco is selling fitted slices that don't dribble into the grill pan - you can always count on TESCO! Now Here's A Thought!Is it just me, or does anybody else snigger when they hear the name of America's First Lady - Laura Bush?Imagine Cilla Black saying it! Ya gotta :) |