|
|
The
DAILY SPOT
|
|
30th June 2004 Boy born from 21-year-old sperm, drinks beer A British woman who gave birth to a baby boy using sperm from her husband that was frozen 21 years earlier is now at the center of an international controversy after she and her son entered a local pub and consumed a total of six pints of Guinness following his birth at a nearby hospital. Dr. Elizabeth Pease, a consultant in reproductive medicine at St. Mary's Hospital in Manchester where the baby was born, said she believed the age of the sperm made the case a record. That, she said, and the fact that because of a little known English law, the one-year-old infant was born with the right to vote, drink and smoke tobacco. “In the eyes of Parliament and the Queen, this child is, in fact, a 21-year-old adult with all the rights, responsibilities and entitlements thereof,” said House of Commons legislator Donald Wentingsworth. When asked for comment on being born an adult, the baby could only make rudimentary “cooing” sounds while blowing bubbles with his saliva. It was not immediately known if the condition was the result of his inability to comprehend human speech or the alcohol he had consumed earlier. The name of the child has not yet been released, although members of the press core have fondly taken to calling the 8-lb., 6 oz. newborn “Baby Budweiser.” Baby Bud’s eyes remained closed throughout most of the press conference, something that Pease attributed to the newborn’s sensitive eyes or his .076 BAC. “Yes, that BAC is quite high even for a 21-year-old, but I mean come on, did you see the size of that pint? It was as big as the little bugger’s entire head,” Pease said. “Besides, there’s no danger to the community - he’s not tall enough to drive yet.” Doctors in the cryogenic field are hailing the birth as breakthrough for both the medical and beer consuming communities. “Not only does this prove frozen sperm can create life, it proves that infants can consume at least 6 pints of alcohol before the loss of motor functions,” said Greg Horne, the senior embryologist at St. Mary's Hospital. “I’m preparing a draft for Parliament asking that the drinking age in the United Kingdom be lowered to ‘newborn’ status immediately.” As of press time, the identity of the proud new parents remained a mystery. Pease said the father had five vials of his sperm "cryopreserved" at the age of 17; before treatment for testicular cancer that left him sterile, but after he got the idea from watching Brendan Fraser “kick ass” in the movie Encino Man. “The mother wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ll call her Mary S - no wait, that’s not right…who we’ll call M. Sideman - was ecstatic when the second try was successful,” Pease said. more Britney Spears damn sexy according to scientific study Scientists at Cornell University have uncovered strong evidence indicating that pop-star Britney Spears is a hot, sexy piece of mama flesh. The study, which involved staring at the pop-singer’s breasts for prolonged periods of time under uncontrolled conditions, elicited strong reactions form eleven out of the twelve test subjects chosen at random. “We had them look at photographs and video material,” said Dr. Raymond Nassfester of Cornell’s Advanced Hot Mamas Department. “The test subjects were all male and came from various demographic backgrounds. We locked them in dimly lit cubicles and exposed them to the test material for twelve-hour increments.” According to Dr. Nassfester, 11 of the 12 subjects began drooling profusely after 2 hours of exposure. Seven of the subjects began masturbating furiously within the first five minutes. One test subject fell into a coma near the third day of the test. The one subject who showed not response turned out to be blind. “We are very pleased with the results,” said Nassfester. “Our hypothesis was that Ms. Spears is too damned sexy. However, the results exceeded our expectations. Our results show that she is, in fact, a hot sexy piece of womany mama flesh and should be fondled a lot.” Although various women’s groups have objected to the tests, no one is listening to them. more Heinz blamed for global warming The Heinz corporation has been named in the United Nations as being a major contributor to global warming through its more than a century of marketing its range of baked beans. Since 1882 when the first can of Heinz baked beans was put on the shelves of the food stores of the world, it is estimated that 14,623,862 to the power of 22, cubic metres of ozone depleting gases have been released into the atmosphere from the rear ends of those who have partaken in the product. "This is almost as much as all the harmful gases released by all the coal-fired electricity power generating stations operating in the western hemisphere since 1922", said Herbert Nutcase of the Centre for Clean Air at Washington DC. He added, "The melting of the Antarctic icecap can be directly attributed to the aggressive marketing campaigns of the Heinz Corporation and it is estimated that with India, which has just signed an import deal with Heinz to feed its starving millions with the product, that by 2006, New Zealand will be completely under water, save for Mount Cook which will be just protruding up from the Southern Ocean". Heinz has hired a team of scientists to grapple with the problem and they say that initial tests of their new fart reduced product have proven very encouraging as only extremely gluttonous individuals who have consumed more than 5 or 6 500grm cans per day have become a gas factory. Another major offender to global warming has also been identified. Mr Nutcase has warned that if David Blunkett is allowed to continue with his nonsensical raving at the same degree since he became Home Secretary, we can expect that the carbon dioxide he releases will cause mean temperatures throughout the world to increase 10 degrees by next year. more 'Wish you were here?' determined to be first holiday show into Iraq Producers at ITV's 'Wish you were here?' are desparate to put one over on BBC and Discovery rivals by being the first travel show back into Iraq. We have learned that researchers are scanning past travel guides, news reports and even satellite imagery to establish which ancient sites remain intact in preparation for the show. Even with the possibility of a blanket purge of antiquities the market for terror tourism (Ground Zero is one of the most visited sites in New York) is beleived to be strong enough for the country to establish the first flush of an industry. Assistant producer Karen Richards told a close friend, 'the competition for travel shows is hotter than ever and all of us want to be seen to be at the cutting edge, so the moment we get wind of the first guest house offering banana pancakes we'll be sending someone in there.' more Independent loan sharks being forced out of business by success of debt-consolidation firms The rise of debt-consolidation firms such as Ocean Finance and Purple Loans is forcing traditional loan sharks out of business says a new report. In the last few years there has been an increase in the number of options available to spendthrift idiots with no self-control. Harry Carlton of FT YourMoney told a news conference: "Formerly these idiots would go straight to the sharks when banks refused them more money on the grounds that it would only go on lifestyle accessories. Now they have a safety net and can trade in the otherwise inevitable broken fingers and kidnapped children, for thirty years of further financial penury, augmented by an initial new Armani suit or long weekend." Debt-consolidation firms have proved adept in winning custom from sharks through extensive TV advertising, effectively focused on the target market of gullible daytime TV viewers. Retired shark Jimmy 'The Negotiator' Harris said: "It would be difficult for the sharks to fight back. A shark is an independent businessman who uses his local knowledge and network of contacts to generate business, it's going to be very hard to compete with TV advertising and no threat of bodily violence. And the knock on effects on subsidiary industries like protection and crooked accountancy could see hundreds of dishonest men put out of business." more Checkout rage floors dad-of-two Supermarket giant Asda is re-thinking its queuing system after a vicious outburst of ‘checkout rage’. Dad of two Tom Waterson (45) suffered two black eyes, a fractured cheekbone and three cracked ribs when he was attacked in front of his children by a 23-year-old woman. Hairdresser Charlotte Mercer launched her frenzied assault when she counted the items in Mr Waterson’s basket and discovered he had 11 and yet was standing at the ‘less than 10 items’ checkout. Ms Mercer had to be physically removed from the pole-axed electrician by security staff and, while waving clumps of his hair, screamed obscenities at the semi-conscious shopper and his apparent inability to count. She later claimed she had lost her temper when she realised Mr Waterson was about to ignore the ‘less than 10 items’ sign. “I’m so fed up with this,” she claimed. “We’re all busy people and if the checkout says ‘hand baskets only’ or ’10 items or less’ then everyone should heed that – or take the consequences. “And, I’m pretty ticked off at supermarket staff who ignore their own rules and treat us rule-abiding shoppers like we’re morons. “I say count the items in your neighbour’s basket and, if they’re over the limit, then tell them to move or you’ll make them move.” A spokesman for Asda confirmed that Mr Waterson did, in fact, have 11 pieces in his basket though he said that two of these were a special three for two offer; this, therefore, technically dropped him below the 10-item limit. He added: “This is probably the most violent case we’ve had but it is, by no means, the only one. “We will be looking at our checkout colleagues to take on more of a policing role to weed out those who try to sneak an extra item or two through.” Recovering from his ordeal, Mr Waterson said: “One second I’m unloading my basket and the next this well-coiffured banshee is whacking the bejesus out of me. “It gave me quite a turn, though the kids seemed to think it was funny.” more Sneaky Iranians sneak into UK waters sneakily Immigration and security services swooped on to a Scottish beach yesterday and apprehended four Iranians who had strayed into UK waters. And the lack of cohesive police intelligence has so infuriated Home Secretary David Blunkett that he has called for all Britain’s Chief and Deputy Constables to resign. The Iranians - a man, a woman and “two young activists” - were discovered on the popular sands, less than 5,000 feet away from where Columbia recording artist Bob Dylan was receiving his honorary degree from St Andrews University. They were spotted in dunes, near to where ‘Chariots of Fire’ was filmed, by undercover operatives and a full scale security operation was launched. It is believed the Iranians originally tried to pretend they were on a day-trip from Dundee. After being arrested their equipment was put on show to the national media. The incriminating evidence included • Two inflatable airbeds • Four aluminium chairs, covered in a candy-striped fabric • One thermos flask • A Semtex-like substance, sliced and laced with cheese and pickle • One small hatchback getaway vehicle Mr Blunkett, obviously livid with police complacency, said: “This proves what I’ve been saying all along. You’d have to be blind not to see the sheer incompetence that has seeped into the very top levels of the UK.” The Home Secretary renewed his calls for all for all police forces to invest in the new Satellite People Tracking System (SPTS) which can monitor the movements of 100 million people at the same time, record their conversations and chart their non-verbal communication. Mr Blunkett said he had been told this was now available as an off the shelf package in Woolworth, and other leading outlets, priced £29.99. “Unless the police act now and start taking their responsibilities seriously,” he warned, “I will be forced to take the initiative and initiate a new initiative, or resurrect an earlier initiative that I initially had the initiative to initiate.” This is being viewed as a threat to introduce his personally-designed, giant, rattling, flashing identity cards. At just over three-feet square, using two 12v batteries and weighing 120lbs each, the ID cards have been described by civil rights activists as an “unacceptable intrusion into personal liberty”. These critics, in turn, have been described by Mr Blunkett as "friends of terrorism”. more Police chief to add 50 officers to Soham Investigation In an attempt to stave off the mounting personal criticism, Humberside police chief David Westwood this morning promised an additional 50 police officers to be redirected to the investigation of the murder of schoolgirls Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. Before a confused press pack the chief constable promising to "find the culprit at large" and vowed to "leave no stone unturned." "The officers will be deployed in the Soham village and surrounding area, conducting house to house enquires and forensic tests," he confidently began. "I hope the public will help us in this time such that a speedy and proper end can be reached for what have been several days of heartache for those concerned." Pointing to what he saw as recent developments in the investigation he added, "We have successfully traced a key suspect, known as prisoner B1134 (College Road Junction), who we are holding awaiting charge. They are unable to give a reasonable explanation for being seen in the area at the time and are refusing to speak further without a member of highways maintenance present. Although Mr. Westwood had said at the start of the investigation "We are already closing the net around Soham" this course of action was quickly abandoned after a large number of farm animals and debris became trapped in the 20 mile long net. The news comes after David Blunkett's call for the chief to resign following Sir Michael Bichard's report on police procedures. Speaking this morning Mr. Westwood refused to resign, saying, "We can start laying blame when the situation is over, but what we need to now is find those girls." Mr. Westwood was informed this afternoon by a junior member of staff that Ian Huntley had been arrested and charged and was currently serving a sentence at Wakefield prison. To the relief of motorists in the area, police immediately released prisoner B1134. On receiving a transcript of Mr. Blunkett's parliament speech he said, "As chief constable I would like to welcome his comments regarding the enquiry. Now gentlemen, if you will excuse us we must go and hear the findings of the report." Sorry David, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go. more Thongs - A Health Risk? A new study has proven that wearing thong underwear is hazardous to a woman’s health. Thong panties, particularly combined with tight, low cut jeans can cause the following health risks; vaginal and bacterial infections, hemorrhoids, lacerations of the anus, and even an increase in sexually transmitted diseases among wearers of thongs. “We have found that the majority of women who wear the ‘combination’, especially in drinking establishments, tend to have unsafe sex practices. That leads to the influx in STD transmission.” said Dr. Vondensteinenum of the Institute of Women’s Health. “We have also found, because of the rubbing of the material along the buttocks and the tightness of the said material, that women are more likely to suffer from inflammation, lacerations, infections and even infertility, solely from their panty choice.” “We are currently looking at approaching the Government to start putting warning labels on all thongs’s to state the risks of wearing them. We need to educate the public over this mounting woman’s dilemma. Women wear thongs to be sexy, yet the repercussions are less than sexy, unless you find Yeast Infections and Bacterial Vaginosis a turn-on.” stated Dr. Martha Wrogwright, also from the Institute. “We are especially concerned about the amount of women wearing thongs while pursuing activities in which they sweat, or bounce around a lot. Exercising or horseback riding in a thong is incredibly reckless. Why, you could cut off circulation to your entire vagina! It’s better just to not wear any underwear at all” more Free sex toys for Women Not content with lowering the age of consent to 16 for Gays, Great Britain — or 'Easy England' as it is known to the 1,000's of US men who fly in to sleazy London every week for a quickie — is now prescribing vibrators for women on it's National Health Service. British women suffering from sexual problems, a general lack of desire, or who are just plain horny, can now obtain free dildos from their Doctor. One of Britain's most eminent consultants, Dr Del Doe — the former professor of sexual dysfunction at John Hopkins Hospital, in Boston — has gone one step further and is referring his patients to an exclusive London Brothel for a helping hand in exploring their bodies — or possibly an entire fist. " "Almost three quarters of all British women suffer from some sexual dysfunction, and vibrators are an enormous aid for women who want to get to the bottom of their problems," the charming consultant told us. "Don't you think that's their partner's job?" we asked. "It's their partner's failure to do the job that's half the problem," retorted Dr Doe sharply. "What's the other half?" "There isn't one." "Come again?" "British men are just too damn small. Most of my patients are lucky if they cum at all." Although three out of four British women now own a vibrator — or shop regularly for courgettes and cucumbers — the use of dildos in US medical circles remains controversial. "Vibrators are a completely new concept for us," said Dr Harley Kellogg, a spokesman for the Clinton-Lewinsky Clinic in Woodsville, Kentucky. "We're trying to educate US women about the therapeutic uses of these devices, but it's proving an uphill struggle. Their association with sex shops and porn stars like Britney Spears and Madonna is a tough nut to crack. They prefer the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas, and are frightened of uncomfortable things that look like a cross between a cellphone and a toilet brush." His chief nurse, Sister Mary-Lou Curettage, nodded sympathetically, and added: "We've been showing women tiny, squidgy, pink things that do the same job and have introduced them to all the different sizes and shapes these things come in, but they're just not taking them in." Although vibrators started life as a medical tool back in 1883, Dr Kellogg says that the majority of his patients had never seen a vibrator until they visited England. "I find their lack of knowledge utterly astonishing," he said sadly. 'US women are living in the dark ages." Since the British Government introduced the new scheme last month, US visitor numbers to London have soared by over 3000 percent. "It's something I never dreamed of purchasing before — and I've been in England for 17 years," said Jenna Rossiter, a Produce Manager at a London Supermarket. "Now they're freely available from my Doctor, I've got three and have another one on back order." "Back order?" we asked. "Yeah," replied the slim blond shyly, "it's a twelve-inch, hard plastic deluxe MicroVibe with a jello-lubricated butt plug. My Doctor's having it flown in specially from Walmart, in California!" more Zidane crowned King of Scotland International relations took an unusual turn last night when members of a secret Scottish order invited French striker Zinedine Zidane to be crowned King of Scotland. Fresh from his last minute victory against England in the Euro 2004 Championships, Zidane was at a loss to explain his sudden meteoric rise in popularity with the Scottish people. Although Celtic links between France and Scotland have been long established, it is the first time in history that a French national has been crowned. The Stone of Destiny was stolen by the Order in 1986, and returned to Scone Palace, where it had been used hundreds of years ago to crown the Kings of old. The return of the stone has signified a green card to the Order to crown whomever they choose, although no King had been selected until last night. Overjoyed with his new Royal status, His Majesty Zidane has promised to continue his world class football, while maintaining his Royal duties which mainly consist of knighting other members of the French squad, such as Thiery Henry for "outstanding bravery in the face of pungent adversity". The Secret Order, known as the Order of the Haggis, have insisted that they have not selected their King based solely on his performance in a football match, although sceptics have been quick to point out that previous candidates have included Diego Maradona and Juergen Klinsmann. In a related story, Scottish newspapers are comparing England's clash with the French in Euro 2004 with the Battle of Bannockburn 1314 AD, when, in the words of Mel Gibson: "Patriots of Scotland, starving and out-numbered charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets, they fought like French footballers and won their freedom forever". Until it was sold to English land owners for money and titles, since which, the Scottish have remained belligerent and stubborn about their dislike for English football. more Cell Phone User Contracts Gonorrhea Middlesborough cell phone user Kaye Jackson was devastated yesterday after doctors diagnosed that her painful urination condition combined with the swelling of her genitals was in fact gonorrhea. Having recently read an article 'Wireless Worm Appears' Jackson is convinced that her ailment relates to cell phone use and has pledged to warn others of the possible dangers. “I had a Nokia 3100 for four years and no problem, then I switched to a Motorola with Bluetooth and hey presto, one week later I have the clap. Coincidence? I think not!” Jackson claims that she feels she has the right to sue the phone operator who made no attempt to warn her of the risks. “IT'S SHIT!” claims Jackson, “and it’s making life so much more difficult. I’ve slept with about 12 people since last Tuesday, and the only way to call them and advise them to see a doctor is to use the payphone at the launderette!” more Rabies scare - channel tunnel closed The government has announced that the channel tunnel is to be closed immediately. Amid furious scenes in the House of Commons, Tony Blair made the announcement after The Daily Mail claimed that a previously unknown strain of rabies had reached Britain via the tunnel. The Mail blames this virulent disease - which it has traced to the dog of a black Slovakian Jewish gypsy with a wooden leg - for the breakdown of family values, rampant anti-social behaviour, spiralling crime, binge drinking, and England’s last-minute defeat by France in Euro 2004. more Speed cameras – the unofficial police policy Sign of the fines Britain’s speed camera policy has reached a new level of controversy. A memo now being openly circulated to Chief Constables states: “Everyone nicked means more dosh in the kitty.” And there’s a tally on the anticipated extra fines: 20 convictions – Annual golf club membership 40 convictions – Divisional Christmas party 50 convictions – Divisional Christmas party with lap dancers 70 convictions – Four-day golfing break for senior staff in Eire 90 convictions – Four-day golfing break with lap dancers. The memo urges every Constabulary to adopt the motto ‘The fine is mine’ and points out that 150-plus convictions could mean the Home Office releasing extra funds for one new officer on the beat. Extending the country’s speed camera presence to every 25 yards from John O’ Groats to Land’s End has also had a positive knock-on effect for business. Share prices in Boots, Tesco and Supasnaps have rocketed with an anticipated 23,000,000 rolls of film being handed in for processing every day for the one-hour turnaround service. Royal Mail also predicts dramatic growth but is fearful of the impact the camera policy will have on its own transport fleet. more EU rules... The Germans make the rules, Norway and Britain abide by the rules... the French ignore the rules and the Italians have never heard of them! more Romanian Socialist party sweep to victory in Dover by-election In a result that is being heralded as 'the dawn of a new age in multi-cultural Britain' and derided as 'the inevitable consequence of apathy' Romanian Socialist party candidate Dejan Hagi resoundingly defeated competition from the established British political parties to win the Dover by-election. With a voter turn-out of merely 16% commentators feared a triumph for the BNP, but instead it was the quietly spoken Romanian dentist Hagi, who only arrived in the country in 1999 who will today take up his seat in the mother of all parliaments. Hagi admitted to reporters that many of his parent party's policies would be unnecessary to pursue in Westminster, 'a land dispute with Albania is less vital to Romanians living in Dover' he admitted, 'however my party's core policies of reform of an ageing and under funded health service and a woefully dilapidated public transport infrastructure fit very nicely into UK politics.' Labour's defeated candidate Henry Agyemang hailed the victory as an example to an apathetic indigenous nation of the power of the democratic to stimulate the disenfranchised but also admitted he was disappointed to have lost a safe labour seat to a newly formed party whose policies have little relevance for the rest of the country, privately telling friends that he was 'unsure of his standing at Labour HQ after this setback.' more Asylum Seekers to re-launch live aid song as ‘Yes we know it’s Christmas (suckers)’ A group of asylum seekers have today announced their plans to release a single to say ‘thank you’ to the people of Great Britain for embracing the poor, displaced and persecuted people of the world and providing them with wealth beyond their wildest dreams. “In my home country of Afghanistan I was but a poor goat herder,” said Ahmed, the lead singer of the group, “I owned nothing but the clothes on my back. I came to the UK and now I have a London flat, a car, clothes, Playstation 2, internet, mobile phones for all my family, all the food I can eat. To top it all I get this without ever having to do a day’s work." more Government Obesity Taskforce Head Named After a report by a House of Commons committee, critised government, food manufacturers and advertisers over the startling increase in obesity across the country, the government have named the head of a new obesity taskforce, which will look at ways of promoting healthier eating. The head of the taskforce will be John Prescott and his deputy will be Ian McCartney. The report by the select committee on health says, that if nothing is done to curb obesity, by the year 2030 all doors in public buildings, cinemas, pubs and clubs, will have to be widened at a cost of £15 billion. There are also worries that sports arenas, such as football grounds will have to have their stands strengthened, so as to cope with the extra weight. Furniture manufacturers have also demanded government subsidies for research into stronger sofa and bed springs. There have also been calls to ban the advertising of unhealthy foods, but this has been strongly opposed by groups such as, "The Healthy Monosodium Glutomate Promotion Organisation" and "E Numbers Are Fun". It is now estimated that 25% of the country is now classified as obese, leading to increasing anxiety among scientists over greenhouse gas emissions from these people. One leading scientist has urged the country to stop over eating and become vegetarians. The down side of this will be that, although we will all be healthier, greenhouse gasses will increase enormously, leading to an even bigger hole in the ozone layer. Latest figures suggest that we will all be fried to a crisp within 25 years of everybody becoming vegetarian. more Beckham's press conference yesterday... "We WAS all down. We WAS all upset." Jeez, David seeing as you're the England captain - with all that money - can you not spend a few quid on lessons on how to speak the language? more Now Blair bans our flag Tony Blair is refusing to fly the England flag as the nation's heroes battle it out in Portugal. Not one Government building flew the St George's Cross yesterday. more Becks voodoo hoodoo THE cowering Swiss are pinning hopes on voodoo to beat Becks and his English Lions. Fans are being urged to stick nails, needles and staples into an effigy of the skipper which has been published in a Swiss newspaper. more Two northern men set new ignorance record Patrons of the Intransigent Whippet Working Men's club in Denaby, South Yorks, were celebrating last night when two of its oldest members, Melvyn Hepplethwaite and Tommy Schermeld, broke the world record for the most amount of ignorance articulated in a 30 minute period. The National Ignorance Tournament, now in its fifth year, asks contestants to offer their opinions about a range of topics and awards marks for the lack of knowledge shown. Bonus marks are given for the most convincing tone of voice with which the unawareness is spouted, an area where the two OAP Yorkshiremen destroyed the competition. Both men, neither of whom has ventured further than Hull, were in the zone, discoursing confidently on a wide range of worldly topics that they clearly knew nothing about. Highlights included when Melvyn was asked to discuss the growing HIV problem in Africa. He thought about the question for a moment before replying that "the AIDS" was started by "the Gays" when one of "that lot" got "lost in the jungle" and "bummed a monkey". Tommy, nodding sagely along but, clearly not wanting to be outdone, thought about this for a while before he added that he'd once met "one of them Nig-Nog's". When Tommy was asked if he didn't think his last comment might be construed as racist, he replied "Eh?", receiving yet more bonus points. Also discussed was the problems in the Middle East, which Tommy blamed on a diet of "sheep’s eyes"; global warming, which Melvyn blamed on "young people not having any manners" and the moral dilemma over cloning was summed nicely up by Melvyn when he said that "them scientist fellas shouldn't fuck about with other peoples sheep” more MOVE TO RENAME USA AFTER RONALD REAGAN Believe it or not Grover Norquist, president of the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project says he is tired of so-called "half-measures" to honor Ronald Reagan. "Mount Rushmore was a nice thought" he said, "but it really doesn't do the man justice." "Taking Hamilton off the 10 dollar bill and replacing him with President Reagan seemed like a good idea at first, but we can do better." Norquist says the only fitting tribute to "the greatest president of our lifetime" is to change the name of the country. Norquist says House Speaker Dennis Hastert has agreed to introduce a Constitutional Amendment to rename the country as "The United States of Reagan." Americans would become Reganauts. The national capital would be renamed Reganville, The House of Representatives would be the House of Rons, and the US Senate would be the US Reaganate. more Private Agony Hapless Tommy Anderson was shot in the willy by a bungling hitman, Newcastle Crown Court heard yesterday. more TONY BLAIR TO LIVE "FOREVER Sources close to the Government confirmed today that plans had been put in place to ensure that Tony Blair. The Prime Minister, could lead the Labour Party and the country "for ever and bloody ever, amen." The plans follow on from growing rumours that the Prime Minister did not intend to step down until he had "absolutely trounced" Margaret Thatcher's term of office. Initial plans to lead the country through a third Labour administration were apparently dismissed as "too timid" by Mr Blair as he declared his desire to "go on and on. And on and on and on. And on" more ISRAEL TO "ASSASSINATE EVERYBODY" Israel has extended it plans for "targeted assassinations" of its potential enemies to cover "absolutely everyone in the entire world". The plan has been developed by Ariel Sharon after the recent hostile reaction to Israel's assassination of two Hamas leaders, proposals to pull out of Gaza and musings on the likely fate of Yasser Arafat. Initially Mr Sharon proposed broadening the definition of "potential enemies" to cover all Palestinians. However, Mr Sharon felt that this let a great number of other "shifty-eyed Arab types" off the hook and extended the definition to cover "all peoples of the Middle East". At this moment, his defence secretary, Shaul Mofaz, pointed out that there were also many other Muslim nations throughout Africa and Asia and Mr Sharon agreed to extend the target to cover these two continents. more DAVID COPPERFIELD TO "SAW CYPRUS IN HALF" A final solution to the seemingly intractable division between the Greek and Turkish communities of Cyprus was announced yesterday as David Copperfield confirmed that as a part of his next magic show he would "use the forces of mind control, dextrous hand movements and a 47 inch Stihl power saw" to separate North and South Cyprus. The audacious plan to tear the two halves of the island asunder comes after Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the United Nations, had to be physically restrained from attempting to split the island apart with "a woodman's axe, a splitting wedge and a large sledgehammer." Mr Annan had sneaked into the centre of the Green Line in Nicosia at midnight to vent his frustration after the Greek Cypriots voted against his plans to unify the two island communities. more Shock Survey ResultsA survey has revealed 8% of women get more pleasure bagging a bargain then bedding a bloke. That's probably because they're picking their men up cheaply in the sales. And 46% of women claim shopping helps them fight depression. Ironic, seeing as it really pisses off their husbands. 15% of women say that shopping was the number one thrill in their lives. That's because they've never seen Henrik Larsson score a goal. The poll, by Kwik Save, failed to find out what percentage of people don't trust surveys done by a supermarket that can't spell its own name properly.Tighter Vaginas:There is a growing segment of the plastic surgery industry focused entirely on women's nether regions that includes procedures from the superficial (like labia re-sculpting) to the "functional." The most popular in the latter category is called vaginal rejuvenation: basically, a nip and tuck to give you a tighter cunt. Just as most birth control is designed to alter or confuse the female body and its cycles, the majority of new technologies purported to enhance sex seem to benefit men and cut women open in a disturbing display of misogyny.While men can pop a blue pill to better their bedtime romps, women must opt for local or general anesthesia, and even then, it's not clear how going under the knife improves their sexual function and satisfaction. Vaginal rejuvenation positions vaginal intercourse as the be-all and end-all of heterosexual sex. Yes, this face-lift for the pussy may make for a snugger fit, and more friction may feel good, but the procedure focuses entirely on the vagina, which, while a useful part of our anatomy, is not where the party is happening for most women. How about using all that cash to send fellas to Clit Camp to learn their way around our most sensitive and complex sexual organ? COMMENTS to: cheryl@adultsx.co.uk |
It's A Fact! Peanuts were once given to people in lunatic asylums to stop them wetting the bed... hence the name. CONDOM WARNING Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of my was wearing one and got hit by a bus! True or False? Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is crap at geography. PROSTITUTES When a guy pays a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave! Who exploiting who? When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrassment, when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's a £1 a minute! A nymphomatic woman - a women who is obsessed with sex as much as the average man! You do realise - that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultry, are now extinct! Apparently cooks waste £73 a year by putting too much cheese on their toast - so Tesco is selling fitted slices that don't dribble into the grill pan - you can always count on TESCO! Now Here's A Thought!Is it just me, or does anybody else snigger when they hear the name of America's First Lady - Laura Bush?Imagine Cilla Black saying it! Ya gotta :) |